Muse

Will you be my muse for life?

Will you allow me to use your smile to create words?

Allow me to use your words to create photos?

Allow me to use your generousity to create a world perfect for us?

Will you be mine and in return use me in the same?

Create poetry with my eyes.

Create music with our soul.

Create everything with the love we share.

I cannot promise everything will be easy but if we create a world together, our shield of love will be unpentratable.

Will you be my muse for life?

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Today, Tonight, Tomorrow

Today would be a great day

to forget his face

to forget his smile

and to forget his existence

Tonight would be an amazing night

while I’m in another’s arms

while I’m filled with hope

while I’m writhing in pain

Tomorrow would be a great time

for him to forgive me

for him to think of me

for him to let me be

Last night would have been perfect

if he didn’t look at me

if he didn’t notice me

if he didn’t worry

Last year would have been unforgettable

if I never looked his way

if I never paid attention

if I never let my heart wander

Next year will be amazing

if I stop hurting

if I stop feeling

if I stop hoping

But tonight, I just want to lie in the arms of another

Share the night with my thoughts

Pretend that we are together

Knowing that this is all that I’ve got

Pretend that there was no door

Imagine that there is nothing stopping me

To unleash this pent up feeling

To let the rage take over me

To revel in the redemption of that face

Knowing the secret hiding in his eyes

Preparing to spread my wings

Freeing myself from the cocoon of his arms

Indulging in the spirit of his energy

Like a drug that I didn’t know I was addicted to

While his hands and arms wrap around me

Massaging my mind into euphoria

Whispering nothing louder than silence

Allowing myself to slip away

Forgetting that he’s not him

Touching him softly

Wondering

Caressing him with my mind and body

Thinking of how best to create

He fades out of my mind and your image takes form

And as you lay there, not a word from your mouth

All I can think of, how sweet this melody will be

These moments I taste your energy and spirit inside of me

I can feel it even now

as I type these words

the connection that we have

was so haphazardly formed

I suffer

I writhe

I yearn

I cry

Nothing but your final touch will ever satisfy

As I lay my hands on you

Massaging the kinks out of your neck

My teeth ready for a bite

Skin so close for a lick

My body wants nothing more than to join with yours

My soul reaches out just to try to get a taste

But alas, it is not you

And returns un satiated

And all these words that I write

Can never compare to the sound

Of the energy going through my body

And how it will feel once the two have finally bound

One hand on my face

The other in my hair

But I’ll stay here

In the arms of another

Pretending

Siphoning what I can

Remembering who I am

Reminding him of me

Not thinking of what could be

Settling

Because a year and a day ago was the perfectly wrong time

To meet him

To know him

To fall in love

Tomorrow will be a great reminder of

 

Love.

2015-12-26 16.38.37

Weekly Photo Challenge: Peaceful

It’s not just a time of peace for him, but for me too!  Now, I only have to get the little one to sleep and I’ll have peace all around, at least for a couple of hours…

 

Don’t forget to check out http://www.facebook.com/EllenArtShow and click like.  Thanks!

Can I, Should I

I just need to get some thoughts out of my head today.

Bear with me.

It’s been 9 months, 4 days (279 days total) since I had my last feeling of being at-home within another being.  A brief, friendly, 4-day encounter that has haunted me daily.  I don’t think the fault lies on the other party, it’s all mine.  It’s stupid.  I torment myself.

Each encounter since (text message/email) has been initiated by myself, but on a friendly bases.  Each encounter ends with him writing something that drives me completely loopy and has my head spinning with thoughts of what could be.  It affects me for days, if not weeks, I don’t dare say months.  It’s a spark of chemistry that is hard for me to fight, no matter what has been established, a platonic relationship only.

He misleads me unintended, I think.  Emails & text messages end with terms of endearment.   I miss him.  What am I missing?  I don’t even know him.  I only know the feeling he has left me with.

I kissed a random at a party the other night and yet, it held no meaning, other than a game of lion and prey.  There was no flicker or spark of anything half as enticing as how happily miserable I feel contemplating if any of this means anything to him.  Purposefully avoiding any contact for months helped to move my mind elsewhere, however, I saw no interest in any other.  All erased with a wish.

Moving on again, my other treats me so right and I want to forever be treated this way, by someone who is more than just my friend and who I can whisper love to and it’s a deeper and more succulent relationship than this newly established friendship.  Thank you other, for showing me this, you are the best lesson I could have ever have had.

Is it a game I am unaware of?  Do I have to spill my guts and explain myself completely, again?  I can’t hold to the standard.  Can I wait longer to find out what it is?  Should I wait longer?  I don’t have the answers.

I starve myself of emotional contact with the opposite sex easily in anticipation of what could be.  The possibility of a future with…

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I read what I’m writing and my brain is telling me how stupid I am.  We only live life one time and I cannot wait forever.  My torment is my own.  I bear him no ill will.  I’m masochistic to the core of my being and this torment feeds that affliction.

Maybe it’s time to plan out a New Year’s resolution.

Work for one…

I’ve been sitting on this post, in my head, for a couple of days. Just building up to what I want to say. It’s hard for me because, I have to face a negative. A vice, one I’d rather live without.

FEAR…

Yes, I know we all have fear. However, I’ve never been the type to let it get to me or stop me. Today, it has.  I had the (un)fortunate opportunity, this year, of working in a position that I hadn’t done before.  The arrangement was made so that I would be given everything I needed to learn the position and


try my best at it.  A learning opportunity. I was excited and more than ready to learn. Through some strange events, nit only was I denied the information I needed, I learned nothing of the position and came out being told that they kept talking about replacing me the whole time. I really did try and those familiar to the situation said there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome… I was fucked from thee beginning.  I was blamed for things that were out of my control and kept in the dark on most decisions that affected the whole project.

"Consumer" by Clint Carney

On the bright side, I met a lot of wonderful people and had

a great time filming and seeing the story come to life.

The other day,i saw a posting for the same position.  No pay, which is ok, but I feel like I would do more damage than good. Not fair! I really shouldn’t feel this way!  Worse part is, someone I consider a friend and partner helped to put tho’s doubt in my mind. I can do anything!!! I know I can!  I went to school in 2002,a 26-year-old, single mother. I lived on welfare, part-time work, uncooperative family who told me to quit and work full-time, who kicked me out and made me homeless before I not only graduated from community college with an A.A. in Economics but I went on to graduate from a university with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology! They all said I couldn’t! Since I was 10, I’ve been hearing about how I couldn’t, shouldn’t and wouldn’t. People trying to get into my head and stop me from what I want.

So then why let fear get me now?

I know exactly why. It’s because I’m now a 35-year-old single mother. My benefits at the job I don’t enjoy are so good, i’m afraid of losing them. Because I know how crappy welfare and medi-cal can be and how the doctors think less of you. Since I have little to no help from any of my exes, I’m scared of losing everything.

I do realize that I’m on the verge of losing everything anyways. In order to experience the changes that are inevitably coming, I’ll have to lose everything.  They say, when a woman cuts her hair, big changes are about to come. I haven’t cut my hair yet, but I feel the urge coming on.

Today, when I’m done with everything, I’ll sit down, do my homework and then read the book. Preparation will be the key to make myself and family happy.  Thank you for reading.

And so now what?

It occurs to me that people change. Well, not just people, time and well, everything changes. Whether it is because we change our view on things or because they physically change, things do change. For instance, when we were children, a rock was an interesting object on the floor. We picked it up, played with it, imagined it as our friend and pretended it could take us places.  Some of us even tried to taste it.  By experimentation, observation and questioning, we found that rock can be painful, smooth, bumpy, different colors and can be used for different reasons. Our parents’ definition of the rock forms our basic beliefs of what the rock is and at school, we learn that that rock was formed by the earth. We end up loving that little rock as children, grow up forgetting about the rock and then as adults, we fight to save the rock.

Like I said, things change.

However things change, it is at its core, the most important part of life that we have to pay attention to and analyze so that we walk away with the lesson that we are supposed to learn.  Unconsciously, we understand each lesson during the process of learning. We seem to fight it, but we know it.  We subconsciously prepare for it from the moment we start experiencing it.  There are people who fight it, tooth and nail.  There are those who fight and then eventually realize it’s time to let go (me).  Then there are those who seem to not care because they are lost or floating through life blaming everyone else for their own mistakes.

So, why are we so hurt by some change that it can take years to recover from? Why is it so much easier for some people to walk away, changing the course of a path without taking into consideration what the consequences for another person may be?  How can someone do something that is so outrageous in your mind but have no remorse to the people they hurt?

For me, I can only answer by saying each individual has essential foundation in which life provides the building blocks for.  These are moral foundations and beliefs that will be reinforced and built upon throughout each person’s life.  For instance, I was baptized a Catholic.  However, throughout my parents separating from each other (not their marriage) and several things that I was told through life, I started to sway from the Catholic church.  I then become educated, took up religious studies and started forming my own belief system in which I use as a moral code for life.  Others may not have even had a foundation to even build upon.  How can my ex have a child with me (lying about a vasectomy) after having 3 children with someone else, another child with someone else and another child with someone else?  After being married 2 times and now trying to move on to a 3rd marriage, if no one else thinks this guy’s moral foundation is screwed, I don’t know what else to say?  Honestly, I can’t believe that he feels very good about himself and I don’t think he has for a very long time.  However, I don’t know what went wrong with him.  I don’t think his sister and brother live by the same morals as he does.  All I can say right now is, there is something seriously missing from this man’s life and he is this weird form of a leech.

However, does he not have any remorse for tricking me into a pregnancy?  For cheating on a wife or 2?  For not taking care of all of his children?  For hiding his money so no one will get child support?  Does he have a moral compass?  Which direction does it point?  Maybe its pointing south all the time?

Does a man/boy, who has child/children with a woman while he is dating another woman have remorse?  Did he not care what he was doing at the time, to both woman?  When he then married the one who doesn’t have his child/children, did he have remorse?  Did he feel guilty?  Does he feel anything?  Does he even care about his child/children?  When he causes drama between both females, is that for his benefit only or what is the purpose?  It’s like a divide and conquer type tactic, right?

I don’t have the answers.  My moral compass doesn’t always point due north all the time, but it sure they heck ain’t always pointing south.  I don’t have the answers, I can’t learn this lesson because it is not mine to bear.  But what I can do is try to figure out my reaction to all their actions and move forward.  I hope you can too.