Everything

Everything in me wants me to contact you.

Everything in me wants to do something special for you.

Everything in me wants me to keep you.

Everything in me wants me to be near you.

Everything in me wants to see you smile again.

Everything.

I can’t.

Everything in me wants me to be secluded.

Everything in me wants to run the other way.

Everything in me tries to not to remember every word you’ve said.

Everything in me tries to forget your smile.

Everything in me is already hurt.

Here’s a tear, for everything.

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Don’ts

2014-05-01 08.59.53A list of Don’ts.

Growing up, my mother gave me Don’ts.  Never Do’s.  So, some of those don’ts are, as I now know, fucking stupid!

1. Don’t go to college.

2. Don’t have friends.

3. Don’t ever get married.

Who in the hell tells their daughter this bullshit?!  I mean, what the fuck kind of messed up thinking gets you to a point where you pass this kind of guidance down to your child?  Yes, guidance mom and dad.  This is what you were supposed to pass down to me, not just your son, the praised one.  And I get it.  If my brother ever reads this, he’ll just roll his eyes and be like whatever, because he’s heard it all before.  But as I sit back, and think about it.  He’s done so much better than I have because of it.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, me and my brother get along fine, always have.  But he was definitely the favored.  He was encouraged to have friends, they could spend the night and he could go out anywhere.  I was encouraged to not have friends but was never guided on how to make my way through life.  That’s something I had to learn on my own and am still working on learning now..

For starters, I am the only offspring from my parents that earned a Bachelor’s in Psychology.  I’ve gone the furthest because I eventually realized that my mom was WRONG.  In order to get anywhere, I needed to work yes, but I needed an education.  See, what no one realized is, I’m a very smart person.  Sometimes, I make stupid decisions, but who doesn’t?  But if I use my past and combine it with my formal education, shit – I’m Iron Man… without the money.  Mom was partially right.  I am currently looking at $60k in student loans from a school that I attended that lost accreditation, never helped me get a job and gave me a piece of paper that currently means nothing because the credits are not transferable.  Aside from getting my B.A., I did start my Master’s Program but I hated it and dropped it.  But with the amount of debt I still owe the government, yep, she was right in one part of that.

60kcelebration

However, if she’d known how to get me help in managing and maybe even avoiding this situation altogether, rather than discouraging me from the start, maybe I’d be in a different place, but whatever.  It is what it is.

My brother, from when I was young (he’s 7 years older than me) til this day has always had a strong social group.  The kind that he has had ups and downs with and still they remain friends, sometimes enter beer tastings together and do other things together.  I never understood how this was.  How was it, I grew up in the same house as him, but had no friends that I could really depend on?  So, I decided, very late in life, that I should have friends.  I don’t know what happened to my mom that made her angry, but it’s not my problem.  I now have a nice little community of friends that I hang out with.  Sometimes, they might judge me, individually, but for the most part, I feel in place.  There are a couple, of course, that I am a little closer with than the others, but nonetheless, we are in fact friends, I think.  🙂

Here’s some of them, not all my friends, but some of them for Game of Thrones night…

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My brother, the first and only offspring to get married.  From what I remember, my mom and dad were both so happy about him getting married.  So, why is it a don’t for me?  Well, whatever that was, it’s gone now.  My parents are dead and all they can do now is watch as I flip my own world upside down trying to find the right path and get my head on straight.  Maybe one day?  But then there’s that nagging itch I feel about having to settle down and never really knowing if I’ll be happy.  My mom, she didn’t seem happy to me.  I don’t want to be her.  Sorry!  But that’s not how I envision my own life.  End of life should be with someone I never want to be without, who knows all my dirty little secrets and I know his, and we still can stand each other at the end of the day.  If I’m lucky and he finds me.

But for now, all I have are a bunch of Don’ts stuck in my head from my mom and my craving for french fries with mustard.  The future only knows what’s in store for me.

To my daughter.

You are a princess.  You are smart, you are beautiful and you can make your way in this world with a smile of gold.  Because of you and your brothers, mommy has a stronger grasp on what she wants in life.  Because of you, mommy wants to consider marriage because you deserve a father who loves you more than life.  I’m sorry your father is an asshole, he always has been and that’s why we got along so well.  He doesn’t matter today but I know you yearn for his presence.  But, because of everything you are going through today with both mommy and daddy, you are going to be so strong and fierce.  I am excited to see you grow up.

Here’s my list of Don’ts for you.

1. Don’t forget to smile!

2. Don’t forget to keep your standards high!

3. Don’t forget to enjoy each day, as if it’s the last of the Earth’s gifts to you!

4. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t!

5. Don’t forget to dance like no one’s watching and sing your heart out – Keep singing my little Christina Perri!

6. Don’t forget to be the youiest you you can ever be!

7. And if you ever end up in jail, Don’t forget that mommy will kick your ass!

2014-03-15 10.07.30

Weekly Photo Challenge: Down

Today, I’m submitting 2 photos for this week’s Photo Challenge!  But, before I get to that, I want to explain the significance of what you are seeing.  Yesterday, was a very emotionally draining day.  I went from being in a hurry, trying to get my kid’s ready for school and get them breakfast, to feeling threatened, to being harassed/yelled at/cussed out, to feelings of happiness/excitement/flirtation back to the depths of a crummy day overall.  So, taking a look at that day, here’s how you can go from drowning down in the water….

to taking a few steps

and taking in the view of something beautiful!

Thank you for reading and please visit the website for the short film I produced, which will be screening in April, at Fallback The Movie.

Can I, Should I

I just need to get some thoughts out of my head today.

Bear with me.

It’s been 9 months, 4 days (279 days total) since I had my last feeling of being at-home within another being.  A brief, friendly, 4-day encounter that has haunted me daily.  I don’t think the fault lies on the other party, it’s all mine.  It’s stupid.  I torment myself.

Each encounter since (text message/email) has been initiated by myself, but on a friendly bases.  Each encounter ends with him writing something that drives me completely loopy and has my head spinning with thoughts of what could be.  It affects me for days, if not weeks, I don’t dare say months.  It’s a spark of chemistry that is hard for me to fight, no matter what has been established, a platonic relationship only.

He misleads me unintended, I think.  Emails & text messages end with terms of endearment.   I miss him.  What am I missing?  I don’t even know him.  I only know the feeling he has left me with.

I kissed a random at a party the other night and yet, it held no meaning, other than a game of lion and prey.  There was no flicker or spark of anything half as enticing as how happily miserable I feel contemplating if any of this means anything to him.  Purposefully avoiding any contact for months helped to move my mind elsewhere, however, I saw no interest in any other.  All erased with a wish.

Moving on again, my other treats me so right and I want to forever be treated this way, by someone who is more than just my friend and who I can whisper love to and it’s a deeper and more succulent relationship than this newly established friendship.  Thank you other, for showing me this, you are the best lesson I could have ever have had.

Is it a game I am unaware of?  Do I have to spill my guts and explain myself completely, again?  I can’t hold to the standard.  Can I wait longer to find out what it is?  Should I wait longer?  I don’t have the answers.

I starve myself of emotional contact with the opposite sex easily in anticipation of what could be.  The possibility of a future with…

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I read what I’m writing and my brain is telling me how stupid I am.  We only live life one time and I cannot wait forever.  My torment is my own.  I bear him no ill will.  I’m masochistic to the core of my being and this torment feeds that affliction.

Maybe it’s time to plan out a New Year’s resolution.

The return of… Um, Yeah, ok.

Definition of Appropriate – Suitable or proper in the circumstances
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. - Samuel Jackson

Today, I received the phone call, that I knew would come.  The guy, you know the one with the ring?  Yeap, he called and said he was coming back by.  Upon “racing” to see me, he got pulled over, but of course, he got out of it.  It comes with the territory.  No ring (again) of course.  He was supposed to make it for lunch, but got there much too late for me to go to lunch with him.  No loss there.  No biggie except…

We are sitting there talking and he starts telling me about this girl he has been seeing.  Of course, now I’m wondering, is this besides the wife?  Some guys!  What is the purpose of marriage if not to be with the one you marry?  Obviously, she had to have meant something to you at one point in time for you to go through with the whole blasted thing!  Right?  Don’t get me wrong, I will enjoy the splendors that come with a married man trying to get from me, what he can’t have.  So, he buys me lunch, so what?  If not me, it’ll be someone else.  Someone who won’t see the signs.  Someone who won’t care that he’s married, if she does know.  A female who will give him anything he wants because he thinks he is just that slick to get it and she’s just that dumb to give it.

Focus – he says.  He’s got focus.  Well, I have focus but I have more than that too.  I have intuition.  I knew, that day, when he showed up from out of nowhere.  I knew it and I know it now.  He’s up to no good.  He’s not the first I’ve seen of this type of male.  I’m sure he won’t be the last, unfortunately.

(Some)Ladies – I’m sorry to bust your bubble.  But if your guy is going to school, going on vacations without you and “working” way too much, there is probably something not quite right.  What can you do?  I will tell you.  Quit giving in to everything he wants!  Make him earn it!  Make him suffer!  You have all the power in the world and if you choose to give it away, don’t blame Sancha, blame yourself.  Make him rush home to see you because he doesn’t know how you have been because you have been busy doing things, other than trying to chase his ass down all day.  Make yourself busy with projects, even if there is nothing.  He doesn’t need to know that you are available nor does he need to know exactly how available you are.  If you aren’t married to him, quit giving up the good to any of them.  They don’t “need” it unless they have been clinically diagnosed.  In that case, what are you doing?

I don’t now much, but I know that this guy, ring or not, is on the prowl.  I’ll let him thing he has me in his sights before I prance away leaving no trail behind.  That’s my appropriate.

Don't make promises that you don't intend to keep
Don't make promises that you don't intend to keep

Work for one…

I’ve been sitting on this post, in my head, for a couple of days. Just building up to what I want to say. It’s hard for me because, I have to face a negative. A vice, one I’d rather live without.

FEAR…

Yes, I know we all have fear. However, I’ve never been the type to let it get to me or stop me. Today, it has.  I had the (un)fortunate opportunity, this year, of working in a position that I hadn’t done before.  The arrangement was made so that I would be given everything I needed to learn the position and


try my best at it.  A learning opportunity. I was excited and more than ready to learn. Through some strange events, nit only was I denied the information I needed, I learned nothing of the position and came out being told that they kept talking about replacing me the whole time. I really did try and those familiar to the situation said there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome… I was fucked from thee beginning.  I was blamed for things that were out of my control and kept in the dark on most decisions that affected the whole project.

"Consumer" by Clint Carney

On the bright side, I met a lot of wonderful people and had

a great time filming and seeing the story come to life.

The other day,i saw a posting for the same position.  No pay, which is ok, but I feel like I would do more damage than good. Not fair! I really shouldn’t feel this way!  Worse part is, someone I consider a friend and partner helped to put tho’s doubt in my mind. I can do anything!!! I know I can!  I went to school in 2002,a 26-year-old, single mother. I lived on welfare, part-time work, uncooperative family who told me to quit and work full-time, who kicked me out and made me homeless before I not only graduated from community college with an A.A. in Economics but I went on to graduate from a university with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology! They all said I couldn’t! Since I was 10, I’ve been hearing about how I couldn’t, shouldn’t and wouldn’t. People trying to get into my head and stop me from what I want.

So then why let fear get me now?

I know exactly why. It’s because I’m now a 35-year-old single mother. My benefits at the job I don’t enjoy are so good, i’m afraid of losing them. Because I know how crappy welfare and medi-cal can be and how the doctors think less of you. Since I have little to no help from any of my exes, I’m scared of losing everything.

I do realize that I’m on the verge of losing everything anyways. In order to experience the changes that are inevitably coming, I’ll have to lose everything.  They say, when a woman cuts her hair, big changes are about to come. I haven’t cut my hair yet, but I feel the urge coming on.

Today, when I’m done with everything, I’ll sit down, do my homework and then read the book. Preparation will be the key to make myself and family happy.  Thank you for reading.

And so now what?

It occurs to me that people change. Well, not just people, time and well, everything changes. Whether it is because we change our view on things or because they physically change, things do change. For instance, when we were children, a rock was an interesting object on the floor. We picked it up, played with it, imagined it as our friend and pretended it could take us places.  Some of us even tried to taste it.  By experimentation, observation and questioning, we found that rock can be painful, smooth, bumpy, different colors and can be used for different reasons. Our parents’ definition of the rock forms our basic beliefs of what the rock is and at school, we learn that that rock was formed by the earth. We end up loving that little rock as children, grow up forgetting about the rock and then as adults, we fight to save the rock.

Like I said, things change.

However things change, it is at its core, the most important part of life that we have to pay attention to and analyze so that we walk away with the lesson that we are supposed to learn.  Unconsciously, we understand each lesson during the process of learning. We seem to fight it, but we know it.  We subconsciously prepare for it from the moment we start experiencing it.  There are people who fight it, tooth and nail.  There are those who fight and then eventually realize it’s time to let go (me).  Then there are those who seem to not care because they are lost or floating through life blaming everyone else for their own mistakes.

So, why are we so hurt by some change that it can take years to recover from? Why is it so much easier for some people to walk away, changing the course of a path without taking into consideration what the consequences for another person may be?  How can someone do something that is so outrageous in your mind but have no remorse to the people they hurt?

For me, I can only answer by saying each individual has essential foundation in which life provides the building blocks for.  These are moral foundations and beliefs that will be reinforced and built upon throughout each person’s life.  For instance, I was baptized a Catholic.  However, throughout my parents separating from each other (not their marriage) and several things that I was told through life, I started to sway from the Catholic church.  I then become educated, took up religious studies and started forming my own belief system in which I use as a moral code for life.  Others may not have even had a foundation to even build upon.  How can my ex have a child with me (lying about a vasectomy) after having 3 children with someone else, another child with someone else and another child with someone else?  After being married 2 times and now trying to move on to a 3rd marriage, if no one else thinks this guy’s moral foundation is screwed, I don’t know what else to say?  Honestly, I can’t believe that he feels very good about himself and I don’t think he has for a very long time.  However, I don’t know what went wrong with him.  I don’t think his sister and brother live by the same morals as he does.  All I can say right now is, there is something seriously missing from this man’s life and he is this weird form of a leech.

However, does he not have any remorse for tricking me into a pregnancy?  For cheating on a wife or 2?  For not taking care of all of his children?  For hiding his money so no one will get child support?  Does he have a moral compass?  Which direction does it point?  Maybe its pointing south all the time?

Does a man/boy, who has child/children with a woman while he is dating another woman have remorse?  Did he not care what he was doing at the time, to both woman?  When he then married the one who doesn’t have his child/children, did he have remorse?  Did he feel guilty?  Does he feel anything?  Does he even care about his child/children?  When he causes drama between both females, is that for his benefit only or what is the purpose?  It’s like a divide and conquer type tactic, right?

I don’t have the answers.  My moral compass doesn’t always point due north all the time, but it sure they heck ain’t always pointing south.  I don’t have the answers, I can’t learn this lesson because it is not mine to bear.  But what I can do is try to figure out my reaction to all their actions and move forward.  I hope you can too.