Don’ts

2014-05-01 08.59.53A list of Don’ts.

Growing up, my mother gave me Don’ts.  Never Do’s.  So, some of those don’ts are, as I now know, fucking stupid!

1. Don’t go to college.

2. Don’t have friends.

3. Don’t ever get married.

Who in the hell tells their daughter this bullshit?!  I mean, what the fuck kind of messed up thinking gets you to a point where you pass this kind of guidance down to your child?  Yes, guidance mom and dad.  This is what you were supposed to pass down to me, not just your son, the praised one.  And I get it.  If my brother ever reads this, he’ll just roll his eyes and be like whatever, because he’s heard it all before.  But as I sit back, and think about it.  He’s done so much better than I have because of it.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, me and my brother get along fine, always have.  But he was definitely the favored.  He was encouraged to have friends, they could spend the night and he could go out anywhere.  I was encouraged to not have friends but was never guided on how to make my way through life.  That’s something I had to learn on my own and am still working on learning now..

For starters, I am the only offspring from my parents that earned a Bachelor’s in Psychology.  I’ve gone the furthest because I eventually realized that my mom was WRONG.  In order to get anywhere, I needed to work yes, but I needed an education.  See, what no one realized is, I’m a very smart person.  Sometimes, I make stupid decisions, but who doesn’t?  But if I use my past and combine it with my formal education, shit – I’m Iron Man… without the money.  Mom was partially right.  I am currently looking at $60k in student loans from a school that I attended that lost accreditation, never helped me get a job and gave me a piece of paper that currently means nothing because the credits are not transferable.  Aside from getting my B.A., I did start my Master’s Program but I hated it and dropped it.  But with the amount of debt I still owe the government, yep, she was right in one part of that.

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However, if she’d known how to get me help in managing and maybe even avoiding this situation altogether, rather than discouraging me from the start, maybe I’d be in a different place, but whatever.  It is what it is.

My brother, from when I was young (he’s 7 years older than me) til this day has always had a strong social group.  The kind that he has had ups and downs with and still they remain friends, sometimes enter beer tastings together and do other things together.  I never understood how this was.  How was it, I grew up in the same house as him, but had no friends that I could really depend on?  So, I decided, very late in life, that I should have friends.  I don’t know what happened to my mom that made her angry, but it’s not my problem.  I now have a nice little community of friends that I hang out with.  Sometimes, they might judge me, individually, but for the most part, I feel in place.  There are a couple, of course, that I am a little closer with than the others, but nonetheless, we are in fact friends, I think.  🙂

Here’s some of them, not all my friends, but some of them for Game of Thrones night…

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My brother, the first and only offspring to get married.  From what I remember, my mom and dad were both so happy about him getting married.  So, why is it a don’t for me?  Well, whatever that was, it’s gone now.  My parents are dead and all they can do now is watch as I flip my own world upside down trying to find the right path and get my head on straight.  Maybe one day?  But then there’s that nagging itch I feel about having to settle down and never really knowing if I’ll be happy.  My mom, she didn’t seem happy to me.  I don’t want to be her.  Sorry!  But that’s not how I envision my own life.  End of life should be with someone I never want to be without, who knows all my dirty little secrets and I know his, and we still can stand each other at the end of the day.  If I’m lucky and he finds me.

But for now, all I have are a bunch of Don’ts stuck in my head from my mom and my craving for french fries with mustard.  The future only knows what’s in store for me.

To my daughter.

You are a princess.  You are smart, you are beautiful and you can make your way in this world with a smile of gold.  Because of you and your brothers, mommy has a stronger grasp on what she wants in life.  Because of you, mommy wants to consider marriage because you deserve a father who loves you more than life.  I’m sorry your father is an asshole, he always has been and that’s why we got along so well.  He doesn’t matter today but I know you yearn for his presence.  But, because of everything you are going through today with both mommy and daddy, you are going to be so strong and fierce.  I am excited to see you grow up.

Here’s my list of Don’ts for you.

1. Don’t forget to smile!

2. Don’t forget to keep your standards high!

3. Don’t forget to enjoy each day, as if it’s the last of the Earth’s gifts to you!

4. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t!

5. Don’t forget to dance like no one’s watching and sing your heart out – Keep singing my little Christina Perri!

6. Don’t forget to be the youiest you you can ever be!

7. And if you ever end up in jail, Don’t forget that mommy will kick your ass!

2014-03-15 10.07.30

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Holding off

In this wonderful game of life, I have all the answers.  They may not all be the correct ones, but I got them.

Wait, I take it back.  If, by chance, you meet someone that you automatically feel so at home with, you wish you’d never had to let then leave… Do you want to see if they’ll come back or do you deal with all the lesser people that should happen to show interest? What if you know that you’ll always compare? 

I value my time and my thoughts, even if no one else does.  However, as much as I think that if two people want something to work out between them bad enough, then that is what should and can happen.  Can I wait?

With all my imperfections laid out on the table, if he wants me bad enough, he should let me know and maybe that’ll extend my wait.

No one can wait forever.

The return of… Um, Yeah, ok.

Definition of Appropriate – Suitable or proper in the circumstances
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. - Samuel Jackson

Today, I received the phone call, that I knew would come.  The guy, you know the one with the ring?  Yeap, he called and said he was coming back by.  Upon “racing” to see me, he got pulled over, but of course, he got out of it.  It comes with the territory.  No ring (again) of course.  He was supposed to make it for lunch, but got there much too late for me to go to lunch with him.  No loss there.  No biggie except…

We are sitting there talking and he starts telling me about this girl he has been seeing.  Of course, now I’m wondering, is this besides the wife?  Some guys!  What is the purpose of marriage if not to be with the one you marry?  Obviously, she had to have meant something to you at one point in time for you to go through with the whole blasted thing!  Right?  Don’t get me wrong, I will enjoy the splendors that come with a married man trying to get from me, what he can’t have.  So, he buys me lunch, so what?  If not me, it’ll be someone else.  Someone who won’t see the signs.  Someone who won’t care that he’s married, if she does know.  A female who will give him anything he wants because he thinks he is just that slick to get it and she’s just that dumb to give it.

Focus – he says.  He’s got focus.  Well, I have focus but I have more than that too.  I have intuition.  I knew, that day, when he showed up from out of nowhere.  I knew it and I know it now.  He’s up to no good.  He’s not the first I’ve seen of this type of male.  I’m sure he won’t be the last, unfortunately.

(Some)Ladies – I’m sorry to bust your bubble.  But if your guy is going to school, going on vacations without you and “working” way too much, there is probably something not quite right.  What can you do?  I will tell you.  Quit giving in to everything he wants!  Make him earn it!  Make him suffer!  You have all the power in the world and if you choose to give it away, don’t blame Sancha, blame yourself.  Make him rush home to see you because he doesn’t know how you have been because you have been busy doing things, other than trying to chase his ass down all day.  Make yourself busy with projects, even if there is nothing.  He doesn’t need to know that you are available nor does he need to know exactly how available you are.  If you aren’t married to him, quit giving up the good to any of them.  They don’t “need” it unless they have been clinically diagnosed.  In that case, what are you doing?

I don’t now much, but I know that this guy, ring or not, is on the prowl.  I’ll let him thing he has me in his sights before I prance away leaving no trail behind.  That’s my appropriate.

Don't make promises that you don't intend to keep
Don't make promises that you don't intend to keep

And so now what?

It occurs to me that people change. Well, not just people, time and well, everything changes. Whether it is because we change our view on things or because they physically change, things do change. For instance, when we were children, a rock was an interesting object on the floor. We picked it up, played with it, imagined it as our friend and pretended it could take us places.  Some of us even tried to taste it.  By experimentation, observation and questioning, we found that rock can be painful, smooth, bumpy, different colors and can be used for different reasons. Our parents’ definition of the rock forms our basic beliefs of what the rock is and at school, we learn that that rock was formed by the earth. We end up loving that little rock as children, grow up forgetting about the rock and then as adults, we fight to save the rock.

Like I said, things change.

However things change, it is at its core, the most important part of life that we have to pay attention to and analyze so that we walk away with the lesson that we are supposed to learn.  Unconsciously, we understand each lesson during the process of learning. We seem to fight it, but we know it.  We subconsciously prepare for it from the moment we start experiencing it.  There are people who fight it, tooth and nail.  There are those who fight and then eventually realize it’s time to let go (me).  Then there are those who seem to not care because they are lost or floating through life blaming everyone else for their own mistakes.

So, why are we so hurt by some change that it can take years to recover from? Why is it so much easier for some people to walk away, changing the course of a path without taking into consideration what the consequences for another person may be?  How can someone do something that is so outrageous in your mind but have no remorse to the people they hurt?

For me, I can only answer by saying each individual has essential foundation in which life provides the building blocks for.  These are moral foundations and beliefs that will be reinforced and built upon throughout each person’s life.  For instance, I was baptized a Catholic.  However, throughout my parents separating from each other (not their marriage) and several things that I was told through life, I started to sway from the Catholic church.  I then become educated, took up religious studies and started forming my own belief system in which I use as a moral code for life.  Others may not have even had a foundation to even build upon.  How can my ex have a child with me (lying about a vasectomy) after having 3 children with someone else, another child with someone else and another child with someone else?  After being married 2 times and now trying to move on to a 3rd marriage, if no one else thinks this guy’s moral foundation is screwed, I don’t know what else to say?  Honestly, I can’t believe that he feels very good about himself and I don’t think he has for a very long time.  However, I don’t know what went wrong with him.  I don’t think his sister and brother live by the same morals as he does.  All I can say right now is, there is something seriously missing from this man’s life and he is this weird form of a leech.

However, does he not have any remorse for tricking me into a pregnancy?  For cheating on a wife or 2?  For not taking care of all of his children?  For hiding his money so no one will get child support?  Does he have a moral compass?  Which direction does it point?  Maybe its pointing south all the time?

Does a man/boy, who has child/children with a woman while he is dating another woman have remorse?  Did he not care what he was doing at the time, to both woman?  When he then married the one who doesn’t have his child/children, did he have remorse?  Did he feel guilty?  Does he feel anything?  Does he even care about his child/children?  When he causes drama between both females, is that for his benefit only or what is the purpose?  It’s like a divide and conquer type tactic, right?

I don’t have the answers.  My moral compass doesn’t always point due north all the time, but it sure they heck ain’t always pointing south.  I don’t have the answers, I can’t learn this lesson because it is not mine to bear.  But what I can do is try to figure out my reaction to all their actions and move forward.  I hope you can too.

How I do what to my ex?

My sister, from another family and is a single mother of one, sends a message telling me that this guy posed the most interesting question to her.  Now, since I am here to help myself, her and anyone who wants to read this crazy blog, I told her, Yeap, that’s going on there.

So, the question she received from this guy she was talking to is this:

How do you satisfy your ex mentally, physically, etc?

First… WHAT?????

(and after the initial shock…) Second, I think the answer to his question is obvious.  If he had been satisfied mentally, physically and so on, he wouldn’t be an “ex”, he’d be a current and possibly a hubby.  As long as he was helping to return the satisfaction.

It occurs to me that this individual (referred to as weirdo) feels as though, after a break-up, it is customary for ex anythings to still keep an intimate relationship, of some sort, in able to coexist.  Especially those who have children with each other.  I respectfully disagree.  However, the people we are talking about are in their early to mid twenties and I am a strong mid-thirty.  It’s a difference in times and in mind sets.  My sister was shocked because she has the wisdom of experience and knows that having an intimate relationship with someone she is clearly not in love with or in an actual relationship with is not the best choice for herself or her child and does not set a great example for her daughter.

Let’s think for a moment of the millions of children out there that are growing up thinking, this is ok.  With a society who starts having unprotected sex as early as 9 years old, parents who started having children far too early in life and the ability to turn to any channel or download anything from the internet that is completely inappropriate, it is very important that as soon as they can start understanding basic concepts, that we tell our children that promiscuity is not the path you want to walk down.  I’ve been talking with my teenage son for years now about sex and what happens if you do not protect yourself and what type of girl he should consider dating, instead of dating every girl.  Has he heard me, yes.  Does he listen?  No idea.  I cannot be there every moment of his life and I cannot make the decisions for him, but I can inform him and prepare him to be a man.  That’s my job as a single mom.  That’s my job as his mother.  Even more importantly, that is my job as a responsible citizen and adult.

It is not appropriate to have sex with your ex.  It isn’t appropriate to give anything of yourself once they (the ex) have given up the rights that every man and woman get once they enter a relationship.  So sister, that is your rebuttal to said weirdo.  This was a test to see if you were still in a relationship with your ex and even more, it was a signal of the type of person this weirdo is.  He is probably still having sex with his ex or thinks it’s ok for himself to go back to an ex.

I made the mistake of being in a relationship with a guy who felt that way.  He felt it ok to call his ex at night to tell her he loved her, to send her emails on Valentine’s day, just to chat and he felt it ok to cheat on me when he was away.  Don’t make those mistakes, read the signs from day one and you will be able to understand what the type of man you want in your life will be like.

Love you sister.

Being friends sometimes is enough… or is it?

I saw a twitter post the other day about someone who has a friend, that they like more than a friend and wanted to know that age old question….

Do I tell her I like her more than as a friend or not?

Well buddy, here’s the long version answer to that question.

1. Longevity

The length of time is an important factor.  When you are a child, everyone is your friend.  As a teen, only certain people are your REAL friends and the others are just friend friends.  As a young adult, your circle of friends may tighten a little to include only those people who have gone through thick and thin with you and some people may come in and out of that friend circle, but you know who you really can count on as a friend.  As an adult, you realize that your friends have always been there, have adapted to your current way of life and haven’t really moved on, even though they may have moved away.

With that said, when you call this girl your friend, how well do you know each other as friends?  She may be hiding a whole lot of things from you because she may not even see you as the friend you think she is to you.  Just because you tell her parts about you and she tells you parts about her, doesn’t make her your friend in the adult manner.

However, if you have been friends for a long time, gone through thick and thin and no each other’s bullshit, then I see that strong foundation of friendship there and then it makes sense why you think she’s your friend.

2. Function

Sometimes being friends with people requires a lot of work.  Just like in a personal relationship, of any kind, you need to be able to see whether or not you can openly communicate with the person and they feel as though they can do the same with you.  However, sometimes, even though our friends go through it all with us, they may be just functional friends and not really personal friends.

Functional friends are the ones that you will find will talk to you, be all about you in the moment and then when that moment is over, they will move on and find other friends.  Nothing wrong with this type of friend because they can still be friends of the deepest and truest nature, touch base from time to time, but if you can’t tell if they are your true friends here’s a little test.  Shut up.  No, really, just shut up.  See what happens.

When you shut up, a real friend, who isn’t just about what they can get from you, will ask you about you and want to know what is going on in your life.  They will be genuinely concerned for you, your family and whatever is going on.  A functional friend will ask you about something that will somehow be a gain on their side.  So, if they a functional friend, either move her into the personal friend space or leave it alone.

3. All or none

At the end of the day, the real person you want to be with will possess all the qualities you are looking for in your partner minus the qualities that you can live without.  However, above all else, they should be someone who you can completely divulge everything to.  They know the ins and out of you as a person and they have no criticisms or hang ups on you and vice versa.  They are ultimately your best friend.

 – 4. Reason

If all else is on point, ask yourself one last thing…. what good or bad will come from professing your love for your friend today?

If there is a hurry, then maybe it isn’t exactly what you think it is.  Maybe it’s more like, I like her and really wanna get in her pants and I don’t care if we potentially mess up this friendship we have.  OR… I like her, I want her to be the one for me, but I’m going to take my time, make sure we are compatible and then take it from there.  Not all friendships can withstand the let’s make this happen but it could withstand the possibility of making this happen in the future after I know you better, and after I know myself better.

I hope you make the right choice friend!  Last thing I ever want to see is you getting hurt.

Does anyone else have an opinion on this question?

My 1st Post

So, today, I have finally took the 1st step to creating my blog space and actually created the space!  Yay!  I will be writing semi-anonymously, as to not offend anyone looking to be offended by me.  I have a lot that I want to share and think this might be a great place to do it!  I look forward to everyone’s comments on my writings.

My biggest accomplishment, at the end of this, will hopefully be the book I’ve had in my heart to write but not the time nor the focus to do it!

Here we go….