Don’ts

2014-05-01 08.59.53A list of Don’ts.

Growing up, my mother gave me Don’ts.  Never Do’s.  So, some of those don’ts are, as I now know, fucking stupid!

1. Don’t go to college.

2. Don’t have friends.

3. Don’t ever get married.

Who in the hell tells their daughter this bullshit?!  I mean, what the fuck kind of messed up thinking gets you to a point where you pass this kind of guidance down to your child?  Yes, guidance mom and dad.  This is what you were supposed to pass down to me, not just your son, the praised one.  And I get it.  If my brother ever reads this, he’ll just roll his eyes and be like whatever, because he’s heard it all before.  But as I sit back, and think about it.  He’s done so much better than I have because of it.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, me and my brother get along fine, always have.  But he was definitely the favored.  He was encouraged to have friends, they could spend the night and he could go out anywhere.  I was encouraged to not have friends but was never guided on how to make my way through life.  That’s something I had to learn on my own and am still working on learning now..

For starters, I am the only offspring from my parents that earned a Bachelor’s in Psychology.  I’ve gone the furthest because I eventually realized that my mom was WRONG.  In order to get anywhere, I needed to work yes, but I needed an education.  See, what no one realized is, I’m a very smart person.  Sometimes, I make stupid decisions, but who doesn’t?  But if I use my past and combine it with my formal education, shit – I’m Iron Man… without the money.  Mom was partially right.  I am currently looking at $60k in student loans from a school that I attended that lost accreditation, never helped me get a job and gave me a piece of paper that currently means nothing because the credits are not transferable.  Aside from getting my B.A., I did start my Master’s Program but I hated it and dropped it.  But with the amount of debt I still owe the government, yep, she was right in one part of that.

60kcelebration

However, if she’d known how to get me help in managing and maybe even avoiding this situation altogether, rather than discouraging me from the start, maybe I’d be in a different place, but whatever.  It is what it is.

My brother, from when I was young (he’s 7 years older than me) til this day has always had a strong social group.  The kind that he has had ups and downs with and still they remain friends, sometimes enter beer tastings together and do other things together.  I never understood how this was.  How was it, I grew up in the same house as him, but had no friends that I could really depend on?  So, I decided, very late in life, that I should have friends.  I don’t know what happened to my mom that made her angry, but it’s not my problem.  I now have a nice little community of friends that I hang out with.  Sometimes, they might judge me, individually, but for the most part, I feel in place.  There are a couple, of course, that I am a little closer with than the others, but nonetheless, we are in fact friends, I think.  🙂

Here’s some of them, not all my friends, but some of them for Game of Thrones night…

1554484_10202290788011422_7918909106256274608_n

My brother, the first and only offspring to get married.  From what I remember, my mom and dad were both so happy about him getting married.  So, why is it a don’t for me?  Well, whatever that was, it’s gone now.  My parents are dead and all they can do now is watch as I flip my own world upside down trying to find the right path and get my head on straight.  Maybe one day?  But then there’s that nagging itch I feel about having to settle down and never really knowing if I’ll be happy.  My mom, she didn’t seem happy to me.  I don’t want to be her.  Sorry!  But that’s not how I envision my own life.  End of life should be with someone I never want to be without, who knows all my dirty little secrets and I know his, and we still can stand each other at the end of the day.  If I’m lucky and he finds me.

But for now, all I have are a bunch of Don’ts stuck in my head from my mom and my craving for french fries with mustard.  The future only knows what’s in store for me.

To my daughter.

You are a princess.  You are smart, you are beautiful and you can make your way in this world with a smile of gold.  Because of you and your brothers, mommy has a stronger grasp on what she wants in life.  Because of you, mommy wants to consider marriage because you deserve a father who loves you more than life.  I’m sorry your father is an asshole, he always has been and that’s why we got along so well.  He doesn’t matter today but I know you yearn for his presence.  But, because of everything you are going through today with both mommy and daddy, you are going to be so strong and fierce.  I am excited to see you grow up.

Here’s my list of Don’ts for you.

1. Don’t forget to smile!

2. Don’t forget to keep your standards high!

3. Don’t forget to enjoy each day, as if it’s the last of the Earth’s gifts to you!

4. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t!

5. Don’t forget to dance like no one’s watching and sing your heart out – Keep singing my little Christina Perri!

6. Don’t forget to be the youiest you you can ever be!

7. And if you ever end up in jail, Don’t forget that mommy will kick your ass!

2014-03-15 10.07.30

Advertisements

Buddha, travel and letting go

On November 1st, I stopped at the local donut shop for the last donut run of the year with my babies. As they sat down and eat their donuts, I stirred my coffee at the register Area. In the distance, behind the counter, sat Buddha. I stared at Buddha for a moment while stirring. Pulled out a quarter and asked the man to give it to Buddha for me. He said, good luck.

As I sat at work, I told my boss and coworker but misspoke. I said, I hope Buddha comes through for me today. I didn’t mean the today part. However, my coworker then decides to buy me lunch.  Although I’m behind on bills and my cell is disconnected, all the checks I needed for the trip to drop off my baby came through, no hassle.  Although the trip was an emotional roller coaster, my friend and her husband picked us up, took us in, fed us and treated us to a movie. I had enough money on the train to help out the guy who got on with us and the 3 kids he was watching to buy some coffee or treats.When I got back to LA, I had made new friends. Alone on the train, I was never alone. We chatted, drank and caused trouble on board, I heard a lot of stories of people’s life and where they were going and why. It’s amazing how much some people can endure and what some people will do just to do it.

However, back in LA, some of the girls from the train and myself decided to hang out together as they waited for their bus and I waited for the sun to rise. Amanda (my wonder twin from the train) and myself went walking down the street to the gas station. I asked the homeless man on the street if he was hungry and with a yes, I gave him the bag of snacks I had and proceeded to purchase him an orange juice (didn’t want him getting sick).

Turns out, after I left, Amanda ran out of money. A man turned around and gave her $200 to help her out.

Just goes to show you, put out good stuff in the world and it will benefit others. I’m glad I was able to meet these people. Amanda, Bryant, Matt, the kids and myself were all starting life over again while others were getting away from it all or returning from getting away.

Each story is special and unique and although it was the hardest thing for me to send my son away, I wouldn’t change this for the world. He gets new experiences and so do I.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Family

image

image

My entry for this week’s photo challenge is 2 of my 3 kids playing on my lap.  This is my little family.

As long as they are happy (for the most part), I figure I’m doing my job right, as their mother.  Family means so much to some and little to others.  To me, my family is much more than just my kids.  It includes people who I feel like are brothers, sisters and cousins, without the blood relations.  I grew up not knowing a lot of my parents’ family so I created an extended version of my own.  For my children though, we are all here together.

Thanksgiving celebrated the 1 year passing of my mother.  Although she is no longer here, I’m sure she is proud of all my children and I’m happy she no longer suffers.  May all of you enjoy your holidays the best way you see fit and remember, tomorrow is never promised.

Added the rest of my little family.

Work for one…

I’ve been sitting on this post, in my head, for a couple of days. Just building up to what I want to say. It’s hard for me because, I have to face a negative. A vice, one I’d rather live without.

FEAR…

Yes, I know we all have fear. However, I’ve never been the type to let it get to me or stop me. Today, it has.  I had the (un)fortunate opportunity, this year, of working in a position that I hadn’t done before.  The arrangement was made so that I would be given everything I needed to learn the position and


try my best at it.  A learning opportunity. I was excited and more than ready to learn. Through some strange events, nit only was I denied the information I needed, I learned nothing of the position and came out being told that they kept talking about replacing me the whole time. I really did try and those familiar to the situation said there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome… I was fucked from thee beginning.  I was blamed for things that were out of my control and kept in the dark on most decisions that affected the whole project.

"Consumer" by Clint Carney

On the bright side, I met a lot of wonderful people and had

a great time filming and seeing the story come to life.

The other day,i saw a posting for the same position.  No pay, which is ok, but I feel like I would do more damage than good. Not fair! I really shouldn’t feel this way!  Worse part is, someone I consider a friend and partner helped to put tho’s doubt in my mind. I can do anything!!! I know I can!  I went to school in 2002,a 26-year-old, single mother. I lived on welfare, part-time work, uncooperative family who told me to quit and work full-time, who kicked me out and made me homeless before I not only graduated from community college with an A.A. in Economics but I went on to graduate from a university with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology! They all said I couldn’t! Since I was 10, I’ve been hearing about how I couldn’t, shouldn’t and wouldn’t. People trying to get into my head and stop me from what I want.

So then why let fear get me now?

I know exactly why. It’s because I’m now a 35-year-old single mother. My benefits at the job I don’t enjoy are so good, i’m afraid of losing them. Because I know how crappy welfare and medi-cal can be and how the doctors think less of you. Since I have little to no help from any of my exes, I’m scared of losing everything.

I do realize that I’m on the verge of losing everything anyways. In order to experience the changes that are inevitably coming, I’ll have to lose everything.  They say, when a woman cuts her hair, big changes are about to come. I haven’t cut my hair yet, but I feel the urge coming on.

Today, when I’m done with everything, I’ll sit down, do my homework and then read the book. Preparation will be the key to make myself and family happy.  Thank you for reading.

And so now what?

It occurs to me that people change. Well, not just people, time and well, everything changes. Whether it is because we change our view on things or because they physically change, things do change. For instance, when we were children, a rock was an interesting object on the floor. We picked it up, played with it, imagined it as our friend and pretended it could take us places.  Some of us even tried to taste it.  By experimentation, observation and questioning, we found that rock can be painful, smooth, bumpy, different colors and can be used for different reasons. Our parents’ definition of the rock forms our basic beliefs of what the rock is and at school, we learn that that rock was formed by the earth. We end up loving that little rock as children, grow up forgetting about the rock and then as adults, we fight to save the rock.

Like I said, things change.

However things change, it is at its core, the most important part of life that we have to pay attention to and analyze so that we walk away with the lesson that we are supposed to learn.  Unconsciously, we understand each lesson during the process of learning. We seem to fight it, but we know it.  We subconsciously prepare for it from the moment we start experiencing it.  There are people who fight it, tooth and nail.  There are those who fight and then eventually realize it’s time to let go (me).  Then there are those who seem to not care because they are lost or floating through life blaming everyone else for their own mistakes.

So, why are we so hurt by some change that it can take years to recover from? Why is it so much easier for some people to walk away, changing the course of a path without taking into consideration what the consequences for another person may be?  How can someone do something that is so outrageous in your mind but have no remorse to the people they hurt?

For me, I can only answer by saying each individual has essential foundation in which life provides the building blocks for.  These are moral foundations and beliefs that will be reinforced and built upon throughout each person’s life.  For instance, I was baptized a Catholic.  However, throughout my parents separating from each other (not their marriage) and several things that I was told through life, I started to sway from the Catholic church.  I then become educated, took up religious studies and started forming my own belief system in which I use as a moral code for life.  Others may not have even had a foundation to even build upon.  How can my ex have a child with me (lying about a vasectomy) after having 3 children with someone else, another child with someone else and another child with someone else?  After being married 2 times and now trying to move on to a 3rd marriage, if no one else thinks this guy’s moral foundation is screwed, I don’t know what else to say?  Honestly, I can’t believe that he feels very good about himself and I don’t think he has for a very long time.  However, I don’t know what went wrong with him.  I don’t think his sister and brother live by the same morals as he does.  All I can say right now is, there is something seriously missing from this man’s life and he is this weird form of a leech.

However, does he not have any remorse for tricking me into a pregnancy?  For cheating on a wife or 2?  For not taking care of all of his children?  For hiding his money so no one will get child support?  Does he have a moral compass?  Which direction does it point?  Maybe its pointing south all the time?

Does a man/boy, who has child/children with a woman while he is dating another woman have remorse?  Did he not care what he was doing at the time, to both woman?  When he then married the one who doesn’t have his child/children, did he have remorse?  Did he feel guilty?  Does he feel anything?  Does he even care about his child/children?  When he causes drama between both females, is that for his benefit only or what is the purpose?  It’s like a divide and conquer type tactic, right?

I don’t have the answers.  My moral compass doesn’t always point due north all the time, but it sure they heck ain’t always pointing south.  I don’t have the answers, I can’t learn this lesson because it is not mine to bear.  But what I can do is try to figure out my reaction to all their actions and move forward.  I hope you can too.

It’s in the art of things.

If I were to say that sometimes you have to lose you can learn how to win, would you understand?  I had to really think about it.  I hadn’t thought about it for a long, long time.  Unfortunately, in order to prepare for the next great thing or the next big step in life, you sometimes have to lose almost everything.  Since November, I’ve lost my mother, my sense of control on the ability to organize things that are not mine, my money, and sometimes my way.  Tomorrow (or later today), I will lose one more thing.

I received a phone call today that was a little jarring, but I can’t be too surprised by it.  Considering that the way things have been going, I probably should have seen it coming.  My bank declined a couple of checks.  Most importantly, they declined the check that was paying for my car.  I found this out when the nice lady from the bank called to inform me (No, I didn’t realize I was that far behind).  My first reaction was to go ahead and try to figure out what happened and find money if possible but then I realized something.  It’s actually a good sign.  I know, not many people would think like this, right?  It really is though.  Later today, when i call the lady to let her know that I will go ahead and let her take my car, I’ll do it with these things in mind:

  1. With the repossession of the car, that means I will no longer struggle for gas money.
  2. I won’t have to pay $800 for my registration nor will I get a ticket for not having registration.
  3. My tires are bald and therefore, I don’t need to replace them.  They can do that for me.
  4. That car has served me well for 50k miles and was a great help.
  5. Although I will miss my car, I will find another way to get to work and back.
  6.  It is just a car.  Material item that can be replaced at a later time in life.  Although I love my car, it is just a car.
  7. I still love myself and my kids – that can’t be repossessed, yet.
The important point is, I am only losing a car.  Life has not ended due to a car leaving.  Other cars will come and replace my old friend.  I hope that anyone who reads this can take away that materials things come and go.  Yes, I love to have luxuries, but they are just that, luxuries.  As long as I can still meet my most basic needs of security, shelter, food and love, all else will fall in line.

I took the chance to use up the rest of the gas in the car and went to the offices today to find that someone wants to partner with me on another project. Will this new thing be what helps me become for self-sufficient for me and my kids?  I don’t know.  I can only hope it will and I will think about that and try hard to focus on the positive as all the negative wipes out of my vision and out into the air out there.

Things happen for a reason.  And sometimes, you have to fall before you can rise.  It’s in the art of things.

The Butterfly

How I do what to my ex?

My sister, from another family and is a single mother of one, sends a message telling me that this guy posed the most interesting question to her.  Now, since I am here to help myself, her and anyone who wants to read this crazy blog, I told her, Yeap, that’s going on there.

So, the question she received from this guy she was talking to is this:

How do you satisfy your ex mentally, physically, etc?

First… WHAT?????

(and after the initial shock…) Second, I think the answer to his question is obvious.  If he had been satisfied mentally, physically and so on, he wouldn’t be an “ex”, he’d be a current and possibly a hubby.  As long as he was helping to return the satisfaction.

It occurs to me that this individual (referred to as weirdo) feels as though, after a break-up, it is customary for ex anythings to still keep an intimate relationship, of some sort, in able to coexist.  Especially those who have children with each other.  I respectfully disagree.  However, the people we are talking about are in their early to mid twenties and I am a strong mid-thirty.  It’s a difference in times and in mind sets.  My sister was shocked because she has the wisdom of experience and knows that having an intimate relationship with someone she is clearly not in love with or in an actual relationship with is not the best choice for herself or her child and does not set a great example for her daughter.

Let’s think for a moment of the millions of children out there that are growing up thinking, this is ok.  With a society who starts having unprotected sex as early as 9 years old, parents who started having children far too early in life and the ability to turn to any channel or download anything from the internet that is completely inappropriate, it is very important that as soon as they can start understanding basic concepts, that we tell our children that promiscuity is not the path you want to walk down.  I’ve been talking with my teenage son for years now about sex and what happens if you do not protect yourself and what type of girl he should consider dating, instead of dating every girl.  Has he heard me, yes.  Does he listen?  No idea.  I cannot be there every moment of his life and I cannot make the decisions for him, but I can inform him and prepare him to be a man.  That’s my job as a single mom.  That’s my job as his mother.  Even more importantly, that is my job as a responsible citizen and adult.

It is not appropriate to have sex with your ex.  It isn’t appropriate to give anything of yourself once they (the ex) have given up the rights that every man and woman get once they enter a relationship.  So sister, that is your rebuttal to said weirdo.  This was a test to see if you were still in a relationship with your ex and even more, it was a signal of the type of person this weirdo is.  He is probably still having sex with his ex or thinks it’s ok for himself to go back to an ex.

I made the mistake of being in a relationship with a guy who felt that way.  He felt it ok to call his ex at night to tell her he loved her, to send her emails on Valentine’s day, just to chat and he felt it ok to cheat on me when he was away.  Don’t make those mistakes, read the signs from day one and you will be able to understand what the type of man you want in your life will be like.

Love you sister.