Clarification: I just want.

(Just some thoughts flowing through my mind and like usual, past conversations interrupt and make theirselves present.)

I don’t want to have sex with you.

I want to wake up in the morning with the ability to stare at your perfection

I want to sit next to you and nestle into your arm for warmth and protection

I want to keep feeling, over and over again, that strong connection

I want to massage your arms and chest into a blissful erection

Medicating you with a completely euphoric projection

Two spirits meditating onto the perfect complexion

Vibrating to the tune of our own affection

These are not things I need to do

because truth be told,

I don’t need you.

I just want you.

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Art Credit: Glee-Chan

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I’m hurt and I’m a survivor but I’m not invulnerable

I’ve come to the realization today that my feelings are hurt.  I’m hurt more than I ever thought I could be, especially without seeing it coming.  Not because things happened, not because things were said, but more because things are lost.  Lost deep inside the confines of my brain where I cannot retrieve them.  I’m hurt because things weren’t quite my fault and I don’t know how they got here.  But nonetheless,

I’m hurt.

It’s been quite some time since I last posted here.  I thought I was coming to the understanding of knowing something about my life and where I am going with it.  My last post here was November 13, 2012.  Since then I’ve had to come to the realization that my family is who I choose it to be and not who I’m related to.  I’ve realized that we all make mistakes and sometimes forgiving is so much harder when the other person won’t admit the problem.  I’ve lived with people who tried to control me, and I’ve been homeless.  But what gets me the most is,

I DESERVE BETTER!

I’m hurt today.  My feelings are hurt.  I have to remind myself that I do, in fact, have feelings.  It may come as a shock, to some, for me to say this because a lot of people wouldn’t understand.  Shit, most men wouldn’t understand.  I live so shielded by my own hurt and pain that most people see a facade of who I really am.  It was only recently that I saw some people I really enjoy seeing, jumped on them to say hello, and at that point I realized that I was feeling good and really happy to see those people.  Feeling good?  Such an odd thing to feel as a homeless person who has to argue with all the relatives to see her kids and has to figure out where to go every night to catch sleep.  Feeling Good!  But, I do, in fact, have those things they call feelings.  Today,

I feel hurt.

I met this wonderful man.  We had an amazing day together.  He cooked for me, treated me to dinner and never left my side the whole day, and into the night when we went out together, as friends.  When he cooked for me, I was so excited because I’m looking at this beautiful man thinking, gosh, this complete stranger is treating me so well and I can’t even land a boyfriend.  We spent the day chatting about relationships and spending the day in each other’s company.  Every now and then, I let my mind wonder about the possibility of dating such a man.  But I’m not that cute, and I’m definitely older and there’s no possible way that I could possibly appeal to someone like him or anyone, for that matter.  Yes, my self-image is FUCKED!  Plus, why would I bring someone into my world full of homelessness, abandonment and little mini spinning tornadoes of crap.

Last night, we talked and I explained to him that I use the word love very “loosely”.  From that, he felt that I love loosely, which is not the same.  You see, I don’t see love as a word.  I see love as actions.  And if you are trying your hardest to love someone and they just don’t show you that they love you back, then you can still love them, but you have to know to love yourself more to not be addicted to the other person you love.

My feelings are hurt!

You see, what I didn’t realize until today is that, I want to know what it’s like to be in man like that’s arms, in his kiss and in his warmth.  I want to know, and I semi-yearn for it.  I wouldn’t dare to want for so much, because it would be selfish of me to want this or any more than this.  It’s selfish.  I’m a selfish person who wants to take love and remember.  Retrieve the memories from the deep, dark pits of my brain that have been fried from too much alcohol and drugs.  I want to take what I deserve and never look back at the chaos I create behind me, as I always create some sort of chaos.

But then I remember Damien and how good his kiss felt and how he hurt me.  I remember Bryant and how I may have hurt him without meaning to and I realize, I don’t deserve this happiness right now.  I should be hurt.  I need to be hurt.  I need pain like I need air.  I’m a masochistic freak that needs to feel some sort of pain to make it through those things that people call emotions.  Without pain, there is no way I can learn the lessons.  I feel like I would only hurt this man by pressing forward with something that is more of an experiment than it is anything else.  He deserves happiness, and I hope he finds it.  But right now…

My FEELINGS are hurt!

Not from something he did.  I’m intentionally pushing him and my friend together because I honestly think that would work out better than anything I could offer had we had any genuine interest in each other outside of friendship and massive soul-searching talks.

I sit here with a tear in my eye, thinking, remembering and reminding myself that I need work.  I need to work.  But I need work.

There are several men that I’ve met over the past couple of months that I would love to be in a relationship with.  I’m a finicky gal who has both a desire and no desire to settle down and/or have a long-term commitment of any sort.  It’s confusing for me, even more than anyone else.

I love me.  I am worthy and I am beautiful.  I may not be the thinnest or the prettiest, but when you remove some of the shell into my heart and soul and open the doorway, I am so worth it.

My feelings are hurt because I allow them to be.  I allow things to happen and I grow and change all the time.  These are my truths.

 

Here’s some turtles…

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Memory of the Rocket Man

I sat at a table with 3 of my friends/co-workers at this nice little chicken joint in Hollywood.  I, like usual, faced towards the door by the mirror with one friend to the right of me and the other 2 across the table.  There were plenty of people there, it was packed.  There was a line outside to get in, like usual.  We were laughing and telling jokes and talking about work, nothing unusual for our crowd of geeks.  We had just ran a Windows 95 update on all the computers and I had been busy fixing a bunch of floppy drives while that was going on.  Just the same old boring stuff, you know.

Across the way, the security guard smiled and began to greet this man who walked in the door.  The man greeted the security guard in return, very friendly, they knew each other.  When he turned my way, his good looks and nice smile overwhelmed me.  I needed to know who he was and needed to meet him.  5’9″, dark, clean-cut with a charming demeanor.  As I sat there, trying to not make myself to obvious, I thinking about whether or not I would find a way to meet him.

It was time to leave.  We grabbed the check and headed to pay.  As we stood there, the opportunity arrived when the security walked up.  Calmly and coolly, “Who is that you were talking to,” I say to him, “introduce me, yes?”  The security guard smiles and agrees without hesitation.  Tiger is his name.  We exchange phone numbers and part ways.  Even better, he’s super nice and even cuter up close and personal.

Months later, Tiger calls me over to his house in Los Angeles, CA.  We’ve known each other for a while by now, as friends, so I didn’t see a problem about going over and really wasn’t sure what to expect. He has told me some things about himself, including his work in music.   We went into the room in the backyard, the studio.  As we walked in I was a bit surprised to see Platinum records hanging from the wall, but maintained my cool.  It’s not like I haven’t been around others in that business, but this was a first for me, a studio in someone’s back room.  As we talked about things, here and there, he says, “Butterfly, I want to do something for you.”  He sits me down across from where the mic stand is and says, “be patient.”

He sets up the mic, pushes a button and in the background the track plays, its familiar at first.  As he stands in front of the mic, he starts to sing with a beautiful and perfect voice:

She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
…It’s just my job five days a week
A rocket man, a rocket man

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time…

 

He did this dance with it, while he was singing.  He always sang but this was the first time a man had ever sang to me and it had to be a Tiger… (or a Lion, as he would call himself.  He would also have called me sheep rather than the Butterfly.)  Every time Elton John’s song plays, my mind goes back to that day, in that dark, home studio, where things were peaceful, me and him and him singing Rocket Man.  Where he described things that he thought were true and I argued with him that he was wrong.  Where he laughed and played with me, as friends do sometimes.

It has been a long long time Tiger.  It’s been a long, long time.

Oh no he didn’t do that! – Ways to get kicked to the curb after a 1st date.

I received a message asking What is something a guy might do on a 1st date that would make you not ask him out again?

Well, here is my answer, in long form.

1. 15%

If, on a date, we go to a restaurant and you don’t tip at least 15%, we aren’t going out again. What you may not realize is, the person who is serving us is probably not trying to be a server for the rest of their lives. No, it is not our responsibility to pay for the education or career choice of others, but the alternative choice is, we could have gone to the beach/park – had a picnic or met up for coffee/ice cream or any other amount of rather more creative things but instead we went to the restaurant and had people serve us. Shell out the money dude.

Plus, I’ve learned, generosity can be a nice thing in a man. If I don’t mind him picking food off my plate, he shouldn’t mind me doing the same. It’s the way, the men I know, are and they treat their women real nice like.

2. Goals – Short/Long

This is general. If you don’t know where you are going with your own life, you can’t possibly be in a space where dating would actually lead to helping you figure it out, it would only add to the disaster you will create for yourself by not knowing what you are trying to do.

If you had a goal and haven’t pursued it, we won’t be dating long, I don’t want to be the reason why you decide not to reach your goals.

If your goals are unattainable or childish, again, I see no point in moving forward because I live in reality and reality states, what can go wrong will and since tomorrow isn’t promised, I’m not wasting my present on you.

3. What are you looking for in a partner?

In my vision of the end of life, I see me and my unknown future husband sitting on a porch, sipping iced teas and laughing.We have been through life together and know everything about each other, he’s my best friend and I’m his. Yes, we have other friends and our neighbors know us as generous and fun-loving people, but we are each other’s best friend.

When I ask you what you are looking for in a partner, if it doesn’t match to what I want in a partner, buh bye buddy. Or, when you say, I don’t know yet – I’m not your test dummy – move on. I’ve been enough of a test dummy to know that you aren’t the one for me.

4. Respect

On a date, if you can’t sit with me for more than 15 minutes without looking at your phone, checking out that woman passing by or any kind of visual stimuli besides what I’m talking about or what I’m asking you – you are lacking the general understanding of respect and need to be smacked, or move on.

Reasoning for this one – how can we have a conversation if I can’t even maintain your attention for short periods of time. I’m big on respect.

5. Understanding

Look, I can take a good joke, obviously, just look at my exes. But you have to understand that I have kids, a life before you, work and education. Like all sentient beings, I have a past. A past I’m willing to share with you because it explains who I am and how I got here. Maybe I won’t unleash everything on you all at once, but if you ask, I’ll share, but you should share and be understanding in return. At the end of the day, we can still just be friends if you want.

6. Lexis Manipulation and fornication (Term I just came up with)

Exceptions to this rule are foreign-born wonders. While we speak, if you have a lot of uhs, duhs and ums, we probably need to stop speaking because I’ve probably already counted them and corrected your language the whole time we are talking. No, I’m not stuck up or full of myself, I just want to see that you can communicate in a way that I can understand. Nothing sexier than a man who can speak to my heart by impressing my brain through the manipulation of lexis fornication. Being that I have a BA in Psychology, I may not be the best reader of people, but I do understand the difference between bullshit and the real deal. I’ve had this happen to me a total of 2 times in my life and each time, I have to tell you, it blew me away.

7. Metaphorical Representation of my Conflicted Inner-Self (Titled as such for my buddy Chaz)

Today, I am dressed like a regular gal from the San Fernando Valley, in shorts and a t-shirt. Tomorrow, I may have make-up on and be decked out in a summer dress and next week, I may be rocked out in my fender shirt, blue jeans and platform boots. Whatever I’m feeling on the inside will definitely show on the outside through my wardrobe and attitude. If you come to a date and you are dressed up and I’m dressed out, well, if you can’t deal with it, then move on. I am a woman, my own woman. I need no one’s approval and ask for none. I’m a girl of the 1980s growing up on music from Nirvana, Joan Jett, Motley Crue, Poison, LL Cool J, The Doors, The Real NWA, Too Short, Keith Sweat and a million other innovators of today’s music. I maybe rocking out to Bob Marley all day or jamming to The Green Day but whatever it is, it’ll show. If you don’t have your eyes open from day one, you’ll never see it and you’ll never understand it and more importantly – never enjoy it. Keep your comments, snide remarks or funny glares to yourself. If you are too conservative, you can’t deal with me. I’m a wild child sometimes, and other times, I’m not. I know about a million people who would be surprised to find out what I do some days when they don’t see me.

8. Open

A few years ago, I was at work and a now retired lady by the name of Ida spoke to me. Now, I hadn’t seen her a lot and she didn’t really know me, but she asked me a couple of questions about my love life and how I was doing with my kids and stuff. After a minute, she looked at me and said, “you need to OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE.” I looked at her and said, I am open. She says, no you aren’t. She was right. I wasn’t. Years of denial thinking that I loved myself lead me to realize, I didn’t understand what love was. I do now. If you don’t understand it, which is something that will come through with the first 4 – 5 items above, be honest and safe us both time.

I’m sure if I thought long and hard, I could come up with more, but this is it for now.  (All images are borrowed.)

Men First or Women?

Ok, I admit it. I am a little old-fashioned. I didn’t start off this way though. Before, when I was younger and didn’t really understand what I wanted, I would have cared less and just did it myself but now, I’m different. I’ve changed. Over the years, through my previous lessons learned, through self-analysis, and mostly through others’ experiences, I’ve grown to know more or less, that what I want, coincides with my patience, rather than me rushing into things. Now, I understand that if I sit down and just have patience, things will happen.

What is it that I’m waiting for?

My friend posted a question about whether or not the woman or the man should be the first to approach.  Now, in my previous years, I didn’t mind doing the approaching because I was a go-getter and what I wanted, I’d go-agetter him.  Now, I want someone who is going to be the “Man” in the relationship.  He needs to be stronger willed and have the ability to reign me in when I’m off on a tangent.  How in the world can I expect for him to come along if I’m going after all the men that do not appear strong enough to approach me?  I mean, I could be completely wrong, I know that.  If I am, I’m willing to admit my misunderstanding in this whole way of thinking.  Is it so wrong for me to want someone who will work at getting to know me and then dating me before asking me to share his bed?

You be the judge.

Did he get away or did I?

I was at this event yesterday and all throughout the day, I saw this tremendous amount of young, good-looking men walking around.  Some with children, some without but they were there nonetheless and it got me thinking about things.

Let’s set this off right, first off.  The day started with a man standing in front of me with only a towel on, helping put

something into my car.  You can’t imagine the shock and surprise I was dealing with while thinking, of course not actually saying aloud, you have time to go put shorts on.  He is my friend’s younger brother who’d I’d never met before and apparently on the wonderful path to divorce.  Now, usually, if my head was really in the game, I probably would have had a conversation with him and tried to find a way to be the shoulder for him to cry on, but I was in a rush.  So, while thanking the heaven’s for eyesight and luck, I thanked the gentlemen and went on my way.  But not without sending my friend a message that I was a little embarrassed but thank you for having me look for him.  Of course, my friend figured why I was so embarrassed when he got home later in the day and asked his brother what he was wearing and he told him that I thanked him for it.  Great times!

It took forever to get the event and by this time, I needed a cigarette.  For people who know me, they know for certain that I do not smoke.  I smoked, previously, from the age of 10 to about 28 and quit cold turkey.  Unfortunately, I have another addiction that has been acting up quite ravenously lately, for good reason, and therefore, the cigarettes were the one way to “counteract” that addiction.  So, the 20 or so guys that were sitting next to us (there was less than 20, but I like to exaggerate) were giving me beer and cigarettes, which was great.  Unfortunately, I heard one guy’s disgust for my smoking.  Wouldn’t of matter if I wasn’t totally abashed every time he looked at me, spoke to me or anything my

way.  I’m talking about tattooed from neck to ankle, gauges and the most beautiful piercing blue eyes.  Yeah, not everyone’s type of guy, but from the moment I saw him, I wanted to keep seeing him.  Of course, by the end of the day, I handed him my card, in hope’s that we can do business in the future, and in despite of the smoking, I hope he takes up my offer.  Across the way, there was another one.  Just standing there looking great!  Thank you for him, whoever created him.  🙂  There were several others who should be mentioned for the sheer awesomeness and sexyness combined.  M & D…. my goodness.  They really shouldn’t be allowed to double team anyone with their combo good looks, great smiles and wonderful attitudes.  If I didn’t know better, I would have fallen head over heels for either, if not both of these guys.  Yes, I know, many would ask why I didn’t pursue any and the answer is simple, I was working.

So, on my way home, I call the ex and for once, he is telling me about the drama that experienced that day which gives me lead-way to tell him he’s a dumb ass for dealing with such nonsense.  Luckily for cell phones, otherwise, we’d never communicate, I promise.  So, we got to talking.  I was telling him about brother in towel, tattooed guy and guy across the way.  He’s starts saying to me, something like, it should be easy for me to find a boyfriend.  At this point, being the honest of the 2 of us, I earnestly admit, I haven’t had a boyfriend since him, which about 6 years ago and my last sexual encounter was about 3 years ago (hence the smoking – trying to keep the hormones in check).  And then I got on the subject of 2 guys that I’ve happened across in the past year that have peaked my interest.  The first, I now realize, would never have worked, although witty, charming and undeniably handsome, I’m an Alien and he’s from another world.  The other, well, I’m still not completely sure what happened and there have been several conversations about the situation.  I felt like I was at home with him.  When he spoke, he amazed me by his knowledge and I am not sure that I will find another like him, but I do wonder what he thinks and if he thinks of me as often as I do him.  My ex said that he was even confused by the situation and it made no sense.  I will wonder, until the day our paths cross again, if we still feell the same.

You see… I’m a simple girl and I guess that only works for me, for the time being.  I want a man, no matter if he is tattooed or not, pierced or not, white, mexican, European, or whatever to talk to (sometimes dramatically), make love with (mostly passionately) and hug tightly during the rough times of life.  When he comes home from wherever he goes to make money in his career, I want to be there for him ready to make him happy, even if I’ve had a bad day because I know that he will ask about my day, and when he finds out I’ve had a bad day, he’ll be angry and do everything in his power to make me happy – and that will make me happy.  I want him to love me so much, that he’ll go into a fit of jealousy when his friends flirt with me, grab me up and hug me to tell me that I’m his – that will make me happy.  He will never cease to put in the work required for the both of us to be happy, and this will keep me working just as hard.  He is my best friend, my provider, my protector and my partner in crime.  Although my life is busy and hectic, I would make room for the guy who breaks through my barriers and is willing to provide what my perfect idea of a man is.  Have I met him in any of the guy’s that I’ve met?  Obviously not, otherwise we’d be together now.  I can tell you, I don’t know what he looks like and I don’t know what he does for a living, but when he finds me, I hope he has the courage to tell me.

So, the question that remains is, with any of these guys, did he get away or did I?  I’m going to say it was I who got away!