I received a message asking What is something a guy might do on a 1st date that would make you not ask him out again?
Well, here is my answer, in long form.
If, on a date, we go to a restaurant and you don’t tip at least 15%, we aren’t going out again. What you may not realize is, the person who is serving us is probably not trying to be a server for the rest of their lives. No, it is not our responsibility to pay for the education or career choice of others, but the alternative choice is, we could have gone to the beach/park – had a picnic or met up for coffee/ice cream or any other amount of rather more creative things but instead we went to the restaurant and had people serve us. Shell out the money dude.
Plus, I’ve learned, generosity can be a nice thing in a man. If I don’t mind him picking food off my plate, he shouldn’t mind me doing the same. It’s the way, the men I know, are and they treat their women real nice like.
2. Goals – Short/Long
This is general. If you don’t know where you are going with your own life, you can’t possibly be in a space where dating would actually lead to helping you figure it out, it would only add to the disaster you will create for yourself by not knowing what you are trying to do.
If you had a goal and haven’t pursued it, we won’t be dating long, I don’t want to be the reason why you decide not to reach your goals.
If your goals are unattainable or childish, again, I see no point in moving forward because I live in reality and reality states, what can go wrong will and since tomorrow isn’t promised, I’m not wasting my present on you.
3. What are you looking for in a partner?
In my vision of the end of life, I see me and my unknown future husband sitting on a porch, sipping iced teas and laughing.We have been through life together and know everything about each other, he’s my best friend and I’m his. Yes, we have other friends and our neighbors know us as generous and fun-loving people, but we are each other’s best friend.
When I ask you what you are looking for in a partner, if it doesn’t match to what I want in a partner, buh bye buddy. Or, when you say, I don’t know yet – I’m not your test dummy – move on. I’ve been enough of a test dummy to know that you aren’t the one for me.
On a date, if you can’t sit with me for more than 15 minutes without looking at your phone, checking out that woman passing by or any kind of visual stimuli besides what I’m talking about or what I’m asking you – you are lacking the general understanding of respect and need to be smacked, or move on.
Reasoning for this one – how can we have a conversation if I can’t even maintain your attention for short periods of time. I’m big on respect.
Look, I can take a good joke, obviously, just look at my exes. But you have to understand that I have kids, a life before you, work and education. Like all sentient beings, I have a past. A past I’m willing to share with you because it explains who I am and how I got here. Maybe I won’t unleash everything on you all at once, but if you ask, I’ll share, but you should share and be understanding in return. At the end of the day, we can still just be friends if you want.
6. Lexis Manipulation and fornication (Term I just came up with)
Exceptions to this rule are foreign-born wonders. While we speak, if you have a lot of uhs, duhs and ums, we probably need to stop speaking because I’ve probably already counted them and corrected your language the whole time we are talking. No, I’m not stuck up or full of myself, I just want to see that you can communicate in a way that I can understand. Nothing sexier than a man who can speak to my heart by impressing my brain through the manipulation of lexis fornication. Being that I have a BA in Psychology, I may not be the best reader of people, but I do understand the difference between bullshit and the real deal. I’ve had this happen to me a total of 2 times in my life and each time, I have to tell you, it blew me away.
7. Metaphorical Representation of my Conflicted Inner-Self (Titled as such for my buddy Chaz)
Today, I am dressed like a regular gal from the San Fernando Valley, in shorts and a t-shirt. Tomorrow, I may have make-up on and be decked out in a summer dress and next week, I may be rocked out in my fender shirt, blue jeans and platform boots. Whatever I’m feeling on the inside will definitely show on the outside through my wardrobe and attitude. If you come to a date and you are dressed up and I’m dressed out, well, if you can’t deal with it, then move on. I am a woman, my own woman. I need no one’s approval and ask for none. I’m a girl of the 1980s growing up on music from Nirvana, Joan Jett, Motley Crue, Poison, LL Cool J, The Doors, The Real NWA, Too Short, Keith Sweat and a million other innovators of today’s music. I maybe rocking out to Bob Marley all day or jamming to The Green Day but whatever it is, it’ll show. If you don’t have your eyes open from day one, you’ll never see it and you’ll never understand it and more importantly – never enjoy it. Keep your comments, snide remarks or funny glares to yourself. If you are too conservative, you can’t deal with me. I’m a wild child sometimes, and other times, I’m not. I know about a million people who would be surprised to find out what I do some days when they don’t see me.
A few years ago, I was at work and a now retired lady by the name of Ida spoke to me. Now, I hadn’t seen her a lot and she didn’t really know me, but she asked me a couple of questions about my love life and how I was doing with my kids and stuff. After a minute, she looked at me and said, “you need to OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE.” I looked at her and said, I am open. She says, no you aren’t. She was right. I wasn’t. Years of denial thinking that I loved myself lead me to realize, I didn’t understand what love was. I do now. If you don’t understand it, which is something that will come through with the first 4 – 5 items above, be honest and safe us both time.
I’m sure if I thought long and hard, I could come up with more, but this is it for now. (All images are borrowed.)