Work for one…

I’ve been sitting on this post, in my head, for a couple of days. Just building up to what I want to say. It’s hard for me because, I have to face a negative. A vice, one I’d rather live without.

FEAR…

Yes, I know we all have fear. However, I’ve never been the type to let it get to me or stop me. Today, it has.  I had the (un)fortunate opportunity, this year, of working in a position that I hadn’t done before.  The arrangement was made so that I would be given everything I needed to learn the position and


try my best at it.  A learning opportunity. I was excited and more than ready to learn. Through some strange events, nit only was I denied the information I needed, I learned nothing of the position and came out being told that they kept talking about replacing me the whole time. I really did try and those familiar to the situation said there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome… I was fucked from thee beginning.  I was blamed for things that were out of my control and kept in the dark on most decisions that affected the whole project.

"Consumer" by Clint Carney

On the bright side, I met a lot of wonderful people and had

a great time filming and seeing the story come to life.

The other day,i saw a posting for the same position.  No pay, which is ok, but I feel like I would do more damage than good. Not fair! I really shouldn’t feel this way!  Worse part is, someone I consider a friend and partner helped to put tho’s doubt in my mind. I can do anything!!! I know I can!  I went to school in 2002,a 26-year-old, single mother. I lived on welfare, part-time work, uncooperative family who told me to quit and work full-time, who kicked me out and made me homeless before I not only graduated from community college with an A.A. in Economics but I went on to graduate from a university with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology! They all said I couldn’t! Since I was 10, I’ve been hearing about how I couldn’t, shouldn’t and wouldn’t. People trying to get into my head and stop me from what I want.

So then why let fear get me now?

I know exactly why. It’s because I’m now a 35-year-old single mother. My benefits at the job I don’t enjoy are so good, i’m afraid of losing them. Because I know how crappy welfare and medi-cal can be and how the doctors think less of you. Since I have little to no help from any of my exes, I’m scared of losing everything.

I do realize that I’m on the verge of losing everything anyways. In order to experience the changes that are inevitably coming, I’ll have to lose everything.  They say, when a woman cuts her hair, big changes are about to come. I haven’t cut my hair yet, but I feel the urge coming on.

Today, when I’m done with everything, I’ll sit down, do my homework and then read the book. Preparation will be the key to make myself and family happy.  Thank you for reading.

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And so now what?

It occurs to me that people change. Well, not just people, time and well, everything changes. Whether it is because we change our view on things or because they physically change, things do change. For instance, when we were children, a rock was an interesting object on the floor. We picked it up, played with it, imagined it as our friend and pretended it could take us places.  Some of us even tried to taste it.  By experimentation, observation and questioning, we found that rock can be painful, smooth, bumpy, different colors and can be used for different reasons. Our parents’ definition of the rock forms our basic beliefs of what the rock is and at school, we learn that that rock was formed by the earth. We end up loving that little rock as children, grow up forgetting about the rock and then as adults, we fight to save the rock.

Like I said, things change.

However things change, it is at its core, the most important part of life that we have to pay attention to and analyze so that we walk away with the lesson that we are supposed to learn.  Unconsciously, we understand each lesson during the process of learning. We seem to fight it, but we know it.  We subconsciously prepare for it from the moment we start experiencing it.  There are people who fight it, tooth and nail.  There are those who fight and then eventually realize it’s time to let go (me).  Then there are those who seem to not care because they are lost or floating through life blaming everyone else for their own mistakes.

So, why are we so hurt by some change that it can take years to recover from? Why is it so much easier for some people to walk away, changing the course of a path without taking into consideration what the consequences for another person may be?  How can someone do something that is so outrageous in your mind but have no remorse to the people they hurt?

For me, I can only answer by saying each individual has essential foundation in which life provides the building blocks for.  These are moral foundations and beliefs that will be reinforced and built upon throughout each person’s life.  For instance, I was baptized a Catholic.  However, throughout my parents separating from each other (not their marriage) and several things that I was told through life, I started to sway from the Catholic church.  I then become educated, took up religious studies and started forming my own belief system in which I use as a moral code for life.  Others may not have even had a foundation to even build upon.  How can my ex have a child with me (lying about a vasectomy) after having 3 children with someone else, another child with someone else and another child with someone else?  After being married 2 times and now trying to move on to a 3rd marriage, if no one else thinks this guy’s moral foundation is screwed, I don’t know what else to say?  Honestly, I can’t believe that he feels very good about himself and I don’t think he has for a very long time.  However, I don’t know what went wrong with him.  I don’t think his sister and brother live by the same morals as he does.  All I can say right now is, there is something seriously missing from this man’s life and he is this weird form of a leech.

However, does he not have any remorse for tricking me into a pregnancy?  For cheating on a wife or 2?  For not taking care of all of his children?  For hiding his money so no one will get child support?  Does he have a moral compass?  Which direction does it point?  Maybe its pointing south all the time?

Does a man/boy, who has child/children with a woman while he is dating another woman have remorse?  Did he not care what he was doing at the time, to both woman?  When he then married the one who doesn’t have his child/children, did he have remorse?  Did he feel guilty?  Does he feel anything?  Does he even care about his child/children?  When he causes drama between both females, is that for his benefit only or what is the purpose?  It’s like a divide and conquer type tactic, right?

I don’t have the answers.  My moral compass doesn’t always point due north all the time, but it sure they heck ain’t always pointing south.  I don’t have the answers, I can’t learn this lesson because it is not mine to bear.  But what I can do is try to figure out my reaction to all their actions and move forward.  I hope you can too.

How I do what to my ex?

My sister, from another family and is a single mother of one, sends a message telling me that this guy posed the most interesting question to her.  Now, since I am here to help myself, her and anyone who wants to read this crazy blog, I told her, Yeap, that’s going on there.

So, the question she received from this guy she was talking to is this:

How do you satisfy your ex mentally, physically, etc?

First… WHAT?????

(and after the initial shock…) Second, I think the answer to his question is obvious.  If he had been satisfied mentally, physically and so on, he wouldn’t be an “ex”, he’d be a current and possibly a hubby.  As long as he was helping to return the satisfaction.

It occurs to me that this individual (referred to as weirdo) feels as though, after a break-up, it is customary for ex anythings to still keep an intimate relationship, of some sort, in able to coexist.  Especially those who have children with each other.  I respectfully disagree.  However, the people we are talking about are in their early to mid twenties and I am a strong mid-thirty.  It’s a difference in times and in mind sets.  My sister was shocked because she has the wisdom of experience and knows that having an intimate relationship with someone she is clearly not in love with or in an actual relationship with is not the best choice for herself or her child and does not set a great example for her daughter.

Let’s think for a moment of the millions of children out there that are growing up thinking, this is ok.  With a society who starts having unprotected sex as early as 9 years old, parents who started having children far too early in life and the ability to turn to any channel or download anything from the internet that is completely inappropriate, it is very important that as soon as they can start understanding basic concepts, that we tell our children that promiscuity is not the path you want to walk down.  I’ve been talking with my teenage son for years now about sex and what happens if you do not protect yourself and what type of girl he should consider dating, instead of dating every girl.  Has he heard me, yes.  Does he listen?  No idea.  I cannot be there every moment of his life and I cannot make the decisions for him, but I can inform him and prepare him to be a man.  That’s my job as a single mom.  That’s my job as his mother.  Even more importantly, that is my job as a responsible citizen and adult.

It is not appropriate to have sex with your ex.  It isn’t appropriate to give anything of yourself once they (the ex) have given up the rights that every man and woman get once they enter a relationship.  So sister, that is your rebuttal to said weirdo.  This was a test to see if you were still in a relationship with your ex and even more, it was a signal of the type of person this weirdo is.  He is probably still having sex with his ex or thinks it’s ok for himself to go back to an ex.

I made the mistake of being in a relationship with a guy who felt that way.  He felt it ok to call his ex at night to tell her he loved her, to send her emails on Valentine’s day, just to chat and he felt it ok to cheat on me when he was away.  Don’t make those mistakes, read the signs from day one and you will be able to understand what the type of man you want in your life will be like.

Love you sister.

Did he get away or did I?

I was at this event yesterday and all throughout the day, I saw this tremendous amount of young, good-looking men walking around.  Some with children, some without but they were there nonetheless and it got me thinking about things.

Let’s set this off right, first off.  The day started with a man standing in front of me with only a towel on, helping put

something into my car.  You can’t imagine the shock and surprise I was dealing with while thinking, of course not actually saying aloud, you have time to go put shorts on.  He is my friend’s younger brother who’d I’d never met before and apparently on the wonderful path to divorce.  Now, usually, if my head was really in the game, I probably would have had a conversation with him and tried to find a way to be the shoulder for him to cry on, but I was in a rush.  So, while thanking the heaven’s for eyesight and luck, I thanked the gentlemen and went on my way.  But not without sending my friend a message that I was a little embarrassed but thank you for having me look for him.  Of course, my friend figured why I was so embarrassed when he got home later in the day and asked his brother what he was wearing and he told him that I thanked him for it.  Great times!

It took forever to get the event and by this time, I needed a cigarette.  For people who know me, they know for certain that I do not smoke.  I smoked, previously, from the age of 10 to about 28 and quit cold turkey.  Unfortunately, I have another addiction that has been acting up quite ravenously lately, for good reason, and therefore, the cigarettes were the one way to “counteract” that addiction.  So, the 20 or so guys that were sitting next to us (there was less than 20, but I like to exaggerate) were giving me beer and cigarettes, which was great.  Unfortunately, I heard one guy’s disgust for my smoking.  Wouldn’t of matter if I wasn’t totally abashed every time he looked at me, spoke to me or anything my

way.  I’m talking about tattooed from neck to ankle, gauges and the most beautiful piercing blue eyes.  Yeah, not everyone’s type of guy, but from the moment I saw him, I wanted to keep seeing him.  Of course, by the end of the day, I handed him my card, in hope’s that we can do business in the future, and in despite of the smoking, I hope he takes up my offer.  Across the way, there was another one.  Just standing there looking great!  Thank you for him, whoever created him.  🙂  There were several others who should be mentioned for the sheer awesomeness and sexyness combined.  M & D…. my goodness.  They really shouldn’t be allowed to double team anyone with their combo good looks, great smiles and wonderful attitudes.  If I didn’t know better, I would have fallen head over heels for either, if not both of these guys.  Yes, I know, many would ask why I didn’t pursue any and the answer is simple, I was working.

So, on my way home, I call the ex and for once, he is telling me about the drama that experienced that day which gives me lead-way to tell him he’s a dumb ass for dealing with such nonsense.  Luckily for cell phones, otherwise, we’d never communicate, I promise.  So, we got to talking.  I was telling him about brother in towel, tattooed guy and guy across the way.  He’s starts saying to me, something like, it should be easy for me to find a boyfriend.  At this point, being the honest of the 2 of us, I earnestly admit, I haven’t had a boyfriend since him, which about 6 years ago and my last sexual encounter was about 3 years ago (hence the smoking – trying to keep the hormones in check).  And then I got on the subject of 2 guys that I’ve happened across in the past year that have peaked my interest.  The first, I now realize, would never have worked, although witty, charming and undeniably handsome, I’m an Alien and he’s from another world.  The other, well, I’m still not completely sure what happened and there have been several conversations about the situation.  I felt like I was at home with him.  When he spoke, he amazed me by his knowledge and I am not sure that I will find another like him, but I do wonder what he thinks and if he thinks of me as often as I do him.  My ex said that he was even confused by the situation and it made no sense.  I will wonder, until the day our paths cross again, if we still feell the same.

You see… I’m a simple girl and I guess that only works for me, for the time being.  I want a man, no matter if he is tattooed or not, pierced or not, white, mexican, European, or whatever to talk to (sometimes dramatically), make love with (mostly passionately) and hug tightly during the rough times of life.  When he comes home from wherever he goes to make money in his career, I want to be there for him ready to make him happy, even if I’ve had a bad day because I know that he will ask about my day, and when he finds out I’ve had a bad day, he’ll be angry and do everything in his power to make me happy – and that will make me happy.  I want him to love me so much, that he’ll go into a fit of jealousy when his friends flirt with me, grab me up and hug me to tell me that I’m his – that will make me happy.  He will never cease to put in the work required for the both of us to be happy, and this will keep me working just as hard.  He is my best friend, my provider, my protector and my partner in crime.  Although my life is busy and hectic, I would make room for the guy who breaks through my barriers and is willing to provide what my perfect idea of a man is.  Have I met him in any of the guy’s that I’ve met?  Obviously not, otherwise we’d be together now.  I can tell you, I don’t know what he looks like and I don’t know what he does for a living, but when he finds me, I hope he has the courage to tell me.

So, the question that remains is, with any of these guys, did he get away or did I?  I’m going to say it was I who got away!