Clarification: I just want.

(Just some thoughts flowing through my mind and like usual, past conversations interrupt and make theirselves present.)

I don’t want to have sex with you.

I want to wake up in the morning with the ability to stare at your perfection

I want to sit next to you and nestle into your arm for warmth and protection

I want to keep feeling, over and over again, that strong connection

I want to massage your arms and chest into a blissful erection

Medicating you with a completely euphoric projection

Two spirits meditating onto the perfect complexion

Vibrating to the tune of our own affection

These are not things I need to do

because truth be told,

I don’t need you.

I just want you.

young_snuggle_by_glee_chan-d4gibe8

Art Credit: Glee-Chan

Girls like me don’t get that lucky

I was introduced to him.  After he walked away, I said, wow, he’s gorgeous.  My friend agreed.  But there was something about the way he looked at me…

Nope.  Impossible.

Next conversation.  He talked, I listened.  I remember thinking, stop looking.  He’s too wonderful.  Look at the stars I said and thought is he really saying these things and the way he looks at me…

Nope.  Impossible.

What do I know?  Nothing.  He speaks the language of intelligence far beyond my comprehension.  He creates a world of his own slightly out of my reach.  One that I might dare touch and try to always keep his eyes looking at me…

Nope.  Impossible.

Guys like him, they get the perfect world.  Girls like me don’t get that lucky.  But I remember, the way he looked at me.

I’m hurt and I’m a survivor but I’m not invulnerable

I’ve come to the realization today that my feelings are hurt.  I’m hurt more than I ever thought I could be, especially without seeing it coming.  Not because things happened, not because things were said, but more because things are lost.  Lost deep inside the confines of my brain where I cannot retrieve them.  I’m hurt because things weren’t quite my fault and I don’t know how they got here.  But nonetheless,

I’m hurt.

It’s been quite some time since I last posted here.  I thought I was coming to the understanding of knowing something about my life and where I am going with it.  My last post here was November 13, 2012.  Since then I’ve had to come to the realization that my family is who I choose it to be and not who I’m related to.  I’ve realized that we all make mistakes and sometimes forgiving is so much harder when the other person won’t admit the problem.  I’ve lived with people who tried to control me, and I’ve been homeless.  But what gets me the most is,

I DESERVE BETTER!

I’m hurt today.  My feelings are hurt.  I have to remind myself that I do, in fact, have feelings.  It may come as a shock, to some, for me to say this because a lot of people wouldn’t understand.  Shit, most men wouldn’t understand.  I live so shielded by my own hurt and pain that most people see a facade of who I really am.  It was only recently that I saw some people I really enjoy seeing, jumped on them to say hello, and at that point I realized that I was feeling good and really happy to see those people.  Feeling good?  Such an odd thing to feel as a homeless person who has to argue with all the relatives to see her kids and has to figure out where to go every night to catch sleep.  Feeling Good!  But, I do, in fact, have those things they call feelings.  Today,

I feel hurt.

I met this wonderful man.  We had an amazing day together.  He cooked for me, treated me to dinner and never left my side the whole day, and into the night when we went out together, as friends.  When he cooked for me, I was so excited because I’m looking at this beautiful man thinking, gosh, this complete stranger is treating me so well and I can’t even land a boyfriend.  We spent the day chatting about relationships and spending the day in each other’s company.  Every now and then, I let my mind wonder about the possibility of dating such a man.  But I’m not that cute, and I’m definitely older and there’s no possible way that I could possibly appeal to someone like him or anyone, for that matter.  Yes, my self-image is FUCKED!  Plus, why would I bring someone into my world full of homelessness, abandonment and little mini spinning tornadoes of crap.

Last night, we talked and I explained to him that I use the word love very “loosely”.  From that, he felt that I love loosely, which is not the same.  You see, I don’t see love as a word.  I see love as actions.  And if you are trying your hardest to love someone and they just don’t show you that they love you back, then you can still love them, but you have to know to love yourself more to not be addicted to the other person you love.

My feelings are hurt!

You see, what I didn’t realize until today is that, I want to know what it’s like to be in man like that’s arms, in his kiss and in his warmth.  I want to know, and I semi-yearn for it.  I wouldn’t dare to want for so much, because it would be selfish of me to want this or any more than this.  It’s selfish.  I’m a selfish person who wants to take love and remember.  Retrieve the memories from the deep, dark pits of my brain that have been fried from too much alcohol and drugs.  I want to take what I deserve and never look back at the chaos I create behind me, as I always create some sort of chaos.

But then I remember Damien and how good his kiss felt and how he hurt me.  I remember Bryant and how I may have hurt him without meaning to and I realize, I don’t deserve this happiness right now.  I should be hurt.  I need to be hurt.  I need pain like I need air.  I’m a masochistic freak that needs to feel some sort of pain to make it through those things that people call emotions.  Without pain, there is no way I can learn the lessons.  I feel like I would only hurt this man by pressing forward with something that is more of an experiment than it is anything else.  He deserves happiness, and I hope he finds it.  But right now…

My FEELINGS are hurt!

Not from something he did.  I’m intentionally pushing him and my friend together because I honestly think that would work out better than anything I could offer had we had any genuine interest in each other outside of friendship and massive soul-searching talks.

I sit here with a tear in my eye, thinking, remembering and reminding myself that I need work.  I need to work.  But I need work.

There are several men that I’ve met over the past couple of months that I would love to be in a relationship with.  I’m a finicky gal who has both a desire and no desire to settle down and/or have a long-term commitment of any sort.  It’s confusing for me, even more than anyone else.

I love me.  I am worthy and I am beautiful.  I may not be the thinnest or the prettiest, but when you remove some of the shell into my heart and soul and open the doorway, I am so worth it.

My feelings are hurt because I allow them to be.  I allow things to happen and I grow and change all the time.  These are my truths.

 

Here’s some turtles…

2014-04-18 12.38.53

It Happened?

We arrived at his house.  We walk in and walk over to the table to sit down.  He takes off the ring that has always been there on his hand, since the day we met, and places it in front of me on the table.  He says, “I’ll be right back” and walks into the other room.  I am not nervous, but I can’t stop staring at the ring, wondering the significance of its presence there on the table.

He walks back in and sits down on the chair next to me, changed slightly.  He begins, “apparently, you were approved the moment you walked in.”  He pauses.  “My family approves of you.”

I look at him, now I understand.  He looks down at his hand before looking at me and the ring on the table.  He appears to be a little flustered or shy, I can’t tell you what.  He says, “I just don’t know what to do now.”

“I know what,” I say. After I pick up the ring, I place it on my finger and smile.  He watches, smiling and slightly amazed at this feat.  “So, you’ll be my girlfriend?”

I reach over for his hand and pull him towards me.  As he rolls to me, I tell him, “Kiss me.”  He smiles and does.  We both look down and stare at our hands that are intertwined within each other.

I’m his, he’s mine.

Then, I woke up.  He is initiating dreams for me.  Along with feelings I haven’t had for some time.  However, I’m not sure where this is going, outside of my head.

The return of… Um, Yeah, ok.

Definition of Appropriate – Suitable or proper in the circumstances
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. - Samuel Jackson

Today, I received the phone call, that I knew would come.  The guy, you know the one with the ring?  Yeap, he called and said he was coming back by.  Upon “racing” to see me, he got pulled over, but of course, he got out of it.  It comes with the territory.  No ring (again) of course.  He was supposed to make it for lunch, but got there much too late for me to go to lunch with him.  No loss there.  No biggie except…

We are sitting there talking and he starts telling me about this girl he has been seeing.  Of course, now I’m wondering, is this besides the wife?  Some guys!  What is the purpose of marriage if not to be with the one you marry?  Obviously, she had to have meant something to you at one point in time for you to go through with the whole blasted thing!  Right?  Don’t get me wrong, I will enjoy the splendors that come with a married man trying to get from me, what he can’t have.  So, he buys me lunch, so what?  If not me, it’ll be someone else.  Someone who won’t see the signs.  Someone who won’t care that he’s married, if she does know.  A female who will give him anything he wants because he thinks he is just that slick to get it and she’s just that dumb to give it.

Focus – he says.  He’s got focus.  Well, I have focus but I have more than that too.  I have intuition.  I knew, that day, when he showed up from out of nowhere.  I knew it and I know it now.  He’s up to no good.  He’s not the first I’ve seen of this type of male.  I’m sure he won’t be the last, unfortunately.

(Some)Ladies – I’m sorry to bust your bubble.  But if your guy is going to school, going on vacations without you and “working” way too much, there is probably something not quite right.  What can you do?  I will tell you.  Quit giving in to everything he wants!  Make him earn it!  Make him suffer!  You have all the power in the world and if you choose to give it away, don’t blame Sancha, blame yourself.  Make him rush home to see you because he doesn’t know how you have been because you have been busy doing things, other than trying to chase his ass down all day.  Make yourself busy with projects, even if there is nothing.  He doesn’t need to know that you are available nor does he need to know exactly how available you are.  If you aren’t married to him, quit giving up the good to any of them.  They don’t “need” it unless they have been clinically diagnosed.  In that case, what are you doing?

I don’t now much, but I know that this guy, ring or not, is on the prowl.  I’ll let him thing he has me in his sights before I prance away leaving no trail behind.  That’s my appropriate.

Don't make promises that you don't intend to keep
Don't make promises that you don't intend to keep

And so now what?

It occurs to me that people change. Well, not just people, time and well, everything changes. Whether it is because we change our view on things or because they physically change, things do change. For instance, when we were children, a rock was an interesting object on the floor. We picked it up, played with it, imagined it as our friend and pretended it could take us places.  Some of us even tried to taste it.  By experimentation, observation and questioning, we found that rock can be painful, smooth, bumpy, different colors and can be used for different reasons. Our parents’ definition of the rock forms our basic beliefs of what the rock is and at school, we learn that that rock was formed by the earth. We end up loving that little rock as children, grow up forgetting about the rock and then as adults, we fight to save the rock.

Like I said, things change.

However things change, it is at its core, the most important part of life that we have to pay attention to and analyze so that we walk away with the lesson that we are supposed to learn.  Unconsciously, we understand each lesson during the process of learning. We seem to fight it, but we know it.  We subconsciously prepare for it from the moment we start experiencing it.  There are people who fight it, tooth and nail.  There are those who fight and then eventually realize it’s time to let go (me).  Then there are those who seem to not care because they are lost or floating through life blaming everyone else for their own mistakes.

So, why are we so hurt by some change that it can take years to recover from? Why is it so much easier for some people to walk away, changing the course of a path without taking into consideration what the consequences for another person may be?  How can someone do something that is so outrageous in your mind but have no remorse to the people they hurt?

For me, I can only answer by saying each individual has essential foundation in which life provides the building blocks for.  These are moral foundations and beliefs that will be reinforced and built upon throughout each person’s life.  For instance, I was baptized a Catholic.  However, throughout my parents separating from each other (not their marriage) and several things that I was told through life, I started to sway from the Catholic church.  I then become educated, took up religious studies and started forming my own belief system in which I use as a moral code for life.  Others may not have even had a foundation to even build upon.  How can my ex have a child with me (lying about a vasectomy) after having 3 children with someone else, another child with someone else and another child with someone else?  After being married 2 times and now trying to move on to a 3rd marriage, if no one else thinks this guy’s moral foundation is screwed, I don’t know what else to say?  Honestly, I can’t believe that he feels very good about himself and I don’t think he has for a very long time.  However, I don’t know what went wrong with him.  I don’t think his sister and brother live by the same morals as he does.  All I can say right now is, there is something seriously missing from this man’s life and he is this weird form of a leech.

However, does he not have any remorse for tricking me into a pregnancy?  For cheating on a wife or 2?  For not taking care of all of his children?  For hiding his money so no one will get child support?  Does he have a moral compass?  Which direction does it point?  Maybe its pointing south all the time?

Does a man/boy, who has child/children with a woman while he is dating another woman have remorse?  Did he not care what he was doing at the time, to both woman?  When he then married the one who doesn’t have his child/children, did he have remorse?  Did he feel guilty?  Does he feel anything?  Does he even care about his child/children?  When he causes drama between both females, is that for his benefit only or what is the purpose?  It’s like a divide and conquer type tactic, right?

I don’t have the answers.  My moral compass doesn’t always point due north all the time, but it sure they heck ain’t always pointing south.  I don’t have the answers, I can’t learn this lesson because it is not mine to bear.  But what I can do is try to figure out my reaction to all their actions and move forward.  I hope you can too.