Don’ts

2014-05-01 08.59.53A list of Don’ts.

Growing up, my mother gave me Don’ts.  Never Do’s.  So, some of those don’ts are, as I now know, fucking stupid!

1. Don’t go to college.

2. Don’t have friends.

3. Don’t ever get married.

Who in the hell tells their daughter this bullshit?!  I mean, what the fuck kind of messed up thinking gets you to a point where you pass this kind of guidance down to your child?  Yes, guidance mom and dad.  This is what you were supposed to pass down to me, not just your son, the praised one.  And I get it.  If my brother ever reads this, he’ll just roll his eyes and be like whatever, because he’s heard it all before.  But as I sit back, and think about it.  He’s done so much better than I have because of it.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, me and my brother get along fine, always have.  But he was definitely the favored.  He was encouraged to have friends, they could spend the night and he could go out anywhere.  I was encouraged to not have friends but was never guided on how to make my way through life.  That’s something I had to learn on my own and am still working on learning now..

For starters, I am the only offspring from my parents that earned a Bachelor’s in Psychology.  I’ve gone the furthest because I eventually realized that my mom was WRONG.  In order to get anywhere, I needed to work yes, but I needed an education.  See, what no one realized is, I’m a very smart person.  Sometimes, I make stupid decisions, but who doesn’t?  But if I use my past and combine it with my formal education, shit – I’m Iron Man… without the money.  Mom was partially right.  I am currently looking at $60k in student loans from a school that I attended that lost accreditation, never helped me get a job and gave me a piece of paper that currently means nothing because the credits are not transferable.  Aside from getting my B.A., I did start my Master’s Program but I hated it and dropped it.  But with the amount of debt I still owe the government, yep, she was right in one part of that.

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However, if she’d known how to get me help in managing and maybe even avoiding this situation altogether, rather than discouraging me from the start, maybe I’d be in a different place, but whatever.  It is what it is.

My brother, from when I was young (he’s 7 years older than me) til this day has always had a strong social group.  The kind that he has had ups and downs with and still they remain friends, sometimes enter beer tastings together and do other things together.  I never understood how this was.  How was it, I grew up in the same house as him, but had no friends that I could really depend on?  So, I decided, very late in life, that I should have friends.  I don’t know what happened to my mom that made her angry, but it’s not my problem.  I now have a nice little community of friends that I hang out with.  Sometimes, they might judge me, individually, but for the most part, I feel in place.  There are a couple, of course, that I am a little closer with than the others, but nonetheless, we are in fact friends, I think.  🙂

Here’s some of them, not all my friends, but some of them for Game of Thrones night…

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My brother, the first and only offspring to get married.  From what I remember, my mom and dad were both so happy about him getting married.  So, why is it a don’t for me?  Well, whatever that was, it’s gone now.  My parents are dead and all they can do now is watch as I flip my own world upside down trying to find the right path and get my head on straight.  Maybe one day?  But then there’s that nagging itch I feel about having to settle down and never really knowing if I’ll be happy.  My mom, she didn’t seem happy to me.  I don’t want to be her.  Sorry!  But that’s not how I envision my own life.  End of life should be with someone I never want to be without, who knows all my dirty little secrets and I know his, and we still can stand each other at the end of the day.  If I’m lucky and he finds me.

But for now, all I have are a bunch of Don’ts stuck in my head from my mom and my craving for french fries with mustard.  The future only knows what’s in store for me.

To my daughter.

You are a princess.  You are smart, you are beautiful and you can make your way in this world with a smile of gold.  Because of you and your brothers, mommy has a stronger grasp on what she wants in life.  Because of you, mommy wants to consider marriage because you deserve a father who loves you more than life.  I’m sorry your father is an asshole, he always has been and that’s why we got along so well.  He doesn’t matter today but I know you yearn for his presence.  But, because of everything you are going through today with both mommy and daddy, you are going to be so strong and fierce.  I am excited to see you grow up.

Here’s my list of Don’ts for you.

1. Don’t forget to smile!

2. Don’t forget to keep your standards high!

3. Don’t forget to enjoy each day, as if it’s the last of the Earth’s gifts to you!

4. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t!

5. Don’t forget to dance like no one’s watching and sing your heart out – Keep singing my little Christina Perri!

6. Don’t forget to be the youiest you you can ever be!

7. And if you ever end up in jail, Don’t forget that mommy will kick your ass!

2014-03-15 10.07.30

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Down

Today, I’m submitting 2 photos for this week’s Photo Challenge!  But, before I get to that, I want to explain the significance of what you are seeing.  Yesterday, was a very emotionally draining day.  I went from being in a hurry, trying to get my kid’s ready for school and get them breakfast, to feeling threatened, to being harassed/yelled at/cussed out, to feelings of happiness/excitement/flirtation back to the depths of a crummy day overall.  So, taking a look at that day, here’s how you can go from drowning down in the water….

to taking a few steps

and taking in the view of something beautiful!

Thank you for reading and please visit the website for the short film I produced, which will be screening in April, at Fallback The Movie.

Can I, Should I

I just need to get some thoughts out of my head today.

Bear with me.

It’s been 9 months, 4 days (279 days total) since I had my last feeling of being at-home within another being.  A brief, friendly, 4-day encounter that has haunted me daily.  I don’t think the fault lies on the other party, it’s all mine.  It’s stupid.  I torment myself.

Each encounter since (text message/email) has been initiated by myself, but on a friendly bases.  Each encounter ends with him writing something that drives me completely loopy and has my head spinning with thoughts of what could be.  It affects me for days, if not weeks, I don’t dare say months.  It’s a spark of chemistry that is hard for me to fight, no matter what has been established, a platonic relationship only.

He misleads me unintended, I think.  Emails & text messages end with terms of endearment.   I miss him.  What am I missing?  I don’t even know him.  I only know the feeling he has left me with.

I kissed a random at a party the other night and yet, it held no meaning, other than a game of lion and prey.  There was no flicker or spark of anything half as enticing as how happily miserable I feel contemplating if any of this means anything to him.  Purposefully avoiding any contact for months helped to move my mind elsewhere, however, I saw no interest in any other.  All erased with a wish.

Moving on again, my other treats me so right and I want to forever be treated this way, by someone who is more than just my friend and who I can whisper love to and it’s a deeper and more succulent relationship than this newly established friendship.  Thank you other, for showing me this, you are the best lesson I could have ever have had.

Is it a game I am unaware of?  Do I have to spill my guts and explain myself completely, again?  I can’t hold to the standard.  Can I wait longer to find out what it is?  Should I wait longer?  I don’t have the answers.

I starve myself of emotional contact with the opposite sex easily in anticipation of what could be.  The possibility of a future with…

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I read what I’m writing and my brain is telling me how stupid I am.  We only live life one time and I cannot wait forever.  My torment is my own.  I bear him no ill will.  I’m masochistic to the core of my being and this torment feeds that affliction.

Maybe it’s time to plan out a New Year’s resolution.

And so now what?

It occurs to me that people change. Well, not just people, time and well, everything changes. Whether it is because we change our view on things or because they physically change, things do change. For instance, when we were children, a rock was an interesting object on the floor. We picked it up, played with it, imagined it as our friend and pretended it could take us places.  Some of us even tried to taste it.  By experimentation, observation and questioning, we found that rock can be painful, smooth, bumpy, different colors and can be used for different reasons. Our parents’ definition of the rock forms our basic beliefs of what the rock is and at school, we learn that that rock was formed by the earth. We end up loving that little rock as children, grow up forgetting about the rock and then as adults, we fight to save the rock.

Like I said, things change.

However things change, it is at its core, the most important part of life that we have to pay attention to and analyze so that we walk away with the lesson that we are supposed to learn.  Unconsciously, we understand each lesson during the process of learning. We seem to fight it, but we know it.  We subconsciously prepare for it from the moment we start experiencing it.  There are people who fight it, tooth and nail.  There are those who fight and then eventually realize it’s time to let go (me).  Then there are those who seem to not care because they are lost or floating through life blaming everyone else for their own mistakes.

So, why are we so hurt by some change that it can take years to recover from? Why is it so much easier for some people to walk away, changing the course of a path without taking into consideration what the consequences for another person may be?  How can someone do something that is so outrageous in your mind but have no remorse to the people they hurt?

For me, I can only answer by saying each individual has essential foundation in which life provides the building blocks for.  These are moral foundations and beliefs that will be reinforced and built upon throughout each person’s life.  For instance, I was baptized a Catholic.  However, throughout my parents separating from each other (not their marriage) and several things that I was told through life, I started to sway from the Catholic church.  I then become educated, took up religious studies and started forming my own belief system in which I use as a moral code for life.  Others may not have even had a foundation to even build upon.  How can my ex have a child with me (lying about a vasectomy) after having 3 children with someone else, another child with someone else and another child with someone else?  After being married 2 times and now trying to move on to a 3rd marriage, if no one else thinks this guy’s moral foundation is screwed, I don’t know what else to say?  Honestly, I can’t believe that he feels very good about himself and I don’t think he has for a very long time.  However, I don’t know what went wrong with him.  I don’t think his sister and brother live by the same morals as he does.  All I can say right now is, there is something seriously missing from this man’s life and he is this weird form of a leech.

However, does he not have any remorse for tricking me into a pregnancy?  For cheating on a wife or 2?  For not taking care of all of his children?  For hiding his money so no one will get child support?  Does he have a moral compass?  Which direction does it point?  Maybe its pointing south all the time?

Does a man/boy, who has child/children with a woman while he is dating another woman have remorse?  Did he not care what he was doing at the time, to both woman?  When he then married the one who doesn’t have his child/children, did he have remorse?  Did he feel guilty?  Does he feel anything?  Does he even care about his child/children?  When he causes drama between both females, is that for his benefit only or what is the purpose?  It’s like a divide and conquer type tactic, right?

I don’t have the answers.  My moral compass doesn’t always point due north all the time, but it sure they heck ain’t always pointing south.  I don’t have the answers, I can’t learn this lesson because it is not mine to bear.  But what I can do is try to figure out my reaction to all their actions and move forward.  I hope you can too.

Oh no he didn’t do that! – Ways to get kicked to the curb after a 1st date.

I received a message asking What is something a guy might do on a 1st date that would make you not ask him out again?

Well, here is my answer, in long form.

1. 15%

If, on a date, we go to a restaurant and you don’t tip at least 15%, we aren’t going out again. What you may not realize is, the person who is serving us is probably not trying to be a server for the rest of their lives. No, it is not our responsibility to pay for the education or career choice of others, but the alternative choice is, we could have gone to the beach/park – had a picnic or met up for coffee/ice cream or any other amount of rather more creative things but instead we went to the restaurant and had people serve us. Shell out the money dude.

Plus, I’ve learned, generosity can be a nice thing in a man. If I don’t mind him picking food off my plate, he shouldn’t mind me doing the same. It’s the way, the men I know, are and they treat their women real nice like.

2. Goals – Short/Long

This is general. If you don’t know where you are going with your own life, you can’t possibly be in a space where dating would actually lead to helping you figure it out, it would only add to the disaster you will create for yourself by not knowing what you are trying to do.

If you had a goal and haven’t pursued it, we won’t be dating long, I don’t want to be the reason why you decide not to reach your goals.

If your goals are unattainable or childish, again, I see no point in moving forward because I live in reality and reality states, what can go wrong will and since tomorrow isn’t promised, I’m not wasting my present on you.

3. What are you looking for in a partner?

In my vision of the end of life, I see me and my unknown future husband sitting on a porch, sipping iced teas and laughing.We have been through life together and know everything about each other, he’s my best friend and I’m his. Yes, we have other friends and our neighbors know us as generous and fun-loving people, but we are each other’s best friend.

When I ask you what you are looking for in a partner, if it doesn’t match to what I want in a partner, buh bye buddy. Or, when you say, I don’t know yet – I’m not your test dummy – move on. I’ve been enough of a test dummy to know that you aren’t the one for me.

4. Respect

On a date, if you can’t sit with me for more than 15 minutes without looking at your phone, checking out that woman passing by or any kind of visual stimuli besides what I’m talking about or what I’m asking you – you are lacking the general understanding of respect and need to be smacked, or move on.

Reasoning for this one – how can we have a conversation if I can’t even maintain your attention for short periods of time. I’m big on respect.

5. Understanding

Look, I can take a good joke, obviously, just look at my exes. But you have to understand that I have kids, a life before you, work and education. Like all sentient beings, I have a past. A past I’m willing to share with you because it explains who I am and how I got here. Maybe I won’t unleash everything on you all at once, but if you ask, I’ll share, but you should share and be understanding in return. At the end of the day, we can still just be friends if you want.

6. Lexis Manipulation and fornication (Term I just came up with)

Exceptions to this rule are foreign-born wonders. While we speak, if you have a lot of uhs, duhs and ums, we probably need to stop speaking because I’ve probably already counted them and corrected your language the whole time we are talking. No, I’m not stuck up or full of myself, I just want to see that you can communicate in a way that I can understand. Nothing sexier than a man who can speak to my heart by impressing my brain through the manipulation of lexis fornication. Being that I have a BA in Psychology, I may not be the best reader of people, but I do understand the difference between bullshit and the real deal. I’ve had this happen to me a total of 2 times in my life and each time, I have to tell you, it blew me away.

7. Metaphorical Representation of my Conflicted Inner-Self (Titled as such for my buddy Chaz)

Today, I am dressed like a regular gal from the San Fernando Valley, in shorts and a t-shirt. Tomorrow, I may have make-up on and be decked out in a summer dress and next week, I may be rocked out in my fender shirt, blue jeans and platform boots. Whatever I’m feeling on the inside will definitely show on the outside through my wardrobe and attitude. If you come to a date and you are dressed up and I’m dressed out, well, if you can’t deal with it, then move on. I am a woman, my own woman. I need no one’s approval and ask for none. I’m a girl of the 1980s growing up on music from Nirvana, Joan Jett, Motley Crue, Poison, LL Cool J, The Doors, The Real NWA, Too Short, Keith Sweat and a million other innovators of today’s music. I maybe rocking out to Bob Marley all day or jamming to The Green Day but whatever it is, it’ll show. If you don’t have your eyes open from day one, you’ll never see it and you’ll never understand it and more importantly – never enjoy it. Keep your comments, snide remarks or funny glares to yourself. If you are too conservative, you can’t deal with me. I’m a wild child sometimes, and other times, I’m not. I know about a million people who would be surprised to find out what I do some days when they don’t see me.

8. Open

A few years ago, I was at work and a now retired lady by the name of Ida spoke to me. Now, I hadn’t seen her a lot and she didn’t really know me, but she asked me a couple of questions about my love life and how I was doing with my kids and stuff. After a minute, she looked at me and said, “you need to OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE.” I looked at her and said, I am open. She says, no you aren’t. She was right. I wasn’t. Years of denial thinking that I loved myself lead me to realize, I didn’t understand what love was. I do now. If you don’t understand it, which is something that will come through with the first 4 – 5 items above, be honest and safe us both time.

I’m sure if I thought long and hard, I could come up with more, but this is it for now.  (All images are borrowed.)

Um, yeah, ok….

At work today, everything was good. I had my coffee, I had my bagel & more importantly, I had my cream cheese! Great mood was happening and I knew I had a great class to get to tonight. So, the work phone is ringing like crazy and will not stop. Co-worker, of course, is not at desk during the madness, but it’s ok, nothing can bring me down.

I get a phone call from a guy and tell him that I will help him get the classes he’s looking for, sure, why not! I request for him to send me a certain type of an email and of course, he does it wrong…..

Later on the phone with same male, he tells me that one day, he’s going to come over and hang out with me. By the way, did I mention Jamba Juice was at work today? Oh Yeah Baby! Since I didn’t have money, I asked my friend to buy me one and he does. As we are walking out, I see this person walking towards my job and think… no, it can’t be.

BUTTERFLY! I hear being called out by a male. I turn, “Wait, what? You actually came here?”
“Yes! I have to change something, can you help me?”
“Um, ok, I’m on lunch, I’ll be back, k?”

When I get back, can’t find him. So, I call him and tell him to come back to my office. He asks me to lunch. Sure! Quick look, good-looking, tall, of a decent age, maybe? We go to lunch, we talk and hang out a little. So, the jury is still out but co-worker is in love with his presence. It’s time to go back to work. He leaves to go do something and when he comes back, there it is…..

On the left hand. Sitting there, staring me in my face as he hugs me and thanks me for my assistance.

WHAT in the Hell????

Did he get away or did I?

I was at this event yesterday and all throughout the day, I saw this tremendous amount of young, good-looking men walking around.  Some with children, some without but they were there nonetheless and it got me thinking about things.

Let’s set this off right, first off.  The day started with a man standing in front of me with only a towel on, helping put

something into my car.  You can’t imagine the shock and surprise I was dealing with while thinking, of course not actually saying aloud, you have time to go put shorts on.  He is my friend’s younger brother who’d I’d never met before and apparently on the wonderful path to divorce.  Now, usually, if my head was really in the game, I probably would have had a conversation with him and tried to find a way to be the shoulder for him to cry on, but I was in a rush.  So, while thanking the heaven’s for eyesight and luck, I thanked the gentlemen and went on my way.  But not without sending my friend a message that I was a little embarrassed but thank you for having me look for him.  Of course, my friend figured why I was so embarrassed when he got home later in the day and asked his brother what he was wearing and he told him that I thanked him for it.  Great times!

It took forever to get the event and by this time, I needed a cigarette.  For people who know me, they know for certain that I do not smoke.  I smoked, previously, from the age of 10 to about 28 and quit cold turkey.  Unfortunately, I have another addiction that has been acting up quite ravenously lately, for good reason, and therefore, the cigarettes were the one way to “counteract” that addiction.  So, the 20 or so guys that were sitting next to us (there was less than 20, but I like to exaggerate) were giving me beer and cigarettes, which was great.  Unfortunately, I heard one guy’s disgust for my smoking.  Wouldn’t of matter if I wasn’t totally abashed every time he looked at me, spoke to me or anything my

way.  I’m talking about tattooed from neck to ankle, gauges and the most beautiful piercing blue eyes.  Yeah, not everyone’s type of guy, but from the moment I saw him, I wanted to keep seeing him.  Of course, by the end of the day, I handed him my card, in hope’s that we can do business in the future, and in despite of the smoking, I hope he takes up my offer.  Across the way, there was another one.  Just standing there looking great!  Thank you for him, whoever created him.  🙂  There were several others who should be mentioned for the sheer awesomeness and sexyness combined.  M & D…. my goodness.  They really shouldn’t be allowed to double team anyone with their combo good looks, great smiles and wonderful attitudes.  If I didn’t know better, I would have fallen head over heels for either, if not both of these guys.  Yes, I know, many would ask why I didn’t pursue any and the answer is simple, I was working.

So, on my way home, I call the ex and for once, he is telling me about the drama that experienced that day which gives me lead-way to tell him he’s a dumb ass for dealing with such nonsense.  Luckily for cell phones, otherwise, we’d never communicate, I promise.  So, we got to talking.  I was telling him about brother in towel, tattooed guy and guy across the way.  He’s starts saying to me, something like, it should be easy for me to find a boyfriend.  At this point, being the honest of the 2 of us, I earnestly admit, I haven’t had a boyfriend since him, which about 6 years ago and my last sexual encounter was about 3 years ago (hence the smoking – trying to keep the hormones in check).  And then I got on the subject of 2 guys that I’ve happened across in the past year that have peaked my interest.  The first, I now realize, would never have worked, although witty, charming and undeniably handsome, I’m an Alien and he’s from another world.  The other, well, I’m still not completely sure what happened and there have been several conversations about the situation.  I felt like I was at home with him.  When he spoke, he amazed me by his knowledge and I am not sure that I will find another like him, but I do wonder what he thinks and if he thinks of me as often as I do him.  My ex said that he was even confused by the situation and it made no sense.  I will wonder, until the day our paths cross again, if we still feell the same.

You see… I’m a simple girl and I guess that only works for me, for the time being.  I want a man, no matter if he is tattooed or not, pierced or not, white, mexican, European, or whatever to talk to (sometimes dramatically), make love with (mostly passionately) and hug tightly during the rough times of life.  When he comes home from wherever he goes to make money in his career, I want to be there for him ready to make him happy, even if I’ve had a bad day because I know that he will ask about my day, and when he finds out I’ve had a bad day, he’ll be angry and do everything in his power to make me happy – and that will make me happy.  I want him to love me so much, that he’ll go into a fit of jealousy when his friends flirt with me, grab me up and hug me to tell me that I’m his – that will make me happy.  He will never cease to put in the work required for the both of us to be happy, and this will keep me working just as hard.  He is my best friend, my provider, my protector and my partner in crime.  Although my life is busy and hectic, I would make room for the guy who breaks through my barriers and is willing to provide what my perfect idea of a man is.  Have I met him in any of the guy’s that I’ve met?  Obviously not, otherwise we’d be together now.  I can tell you, I don’t know what he looks like and I don’t know what he does for a living, but when he finds me, I hope he has the courage to tell me.

So, the question that remains is, with any of these guys, did he get away or did I?  I’m going to say it was I who got away!