Wow. What a year 2014 was and what a crazy year 2015 is starting to be. In November, I posted Tornadoes. Well, turns out only 1 was an actual tornado and the other was a victim, like myself. Heroin is a hellavu drug, apparently.
About me. I have, mostly throughout the last couple of months, questioned the hell out of myself.
1. How terrible of a person have I been in my past life?
2. How much do I deserve?
3. What can I have and what is off limits?
4. Who am I?
5. Am I making the right decisions?
6. Will these jobs lead to anything?
7. Will I ever get everything together?
But the worst part, is not the questioning. I do this often. The worst part is what those answers used to be. At the time the tornado was in my life, I had already felt worthless and like a failure. I am a single mom, 3 kids, asking for someone to let me stay on their couch so I don’t have to sleep in my car. No one wants to pay me for working my ass off in this industry, which sucks. Who would want to be me? I had so much self-loathing that it was easy. Manipulate away! Let’s not forget, I have been under the roof of controlling people for the majority of my life so there was the emotional and psychological aftermath of that stuff. Yeah, go ahead. I should have just opened a door, laid a syringe on the table and shot it up her arm myself. It was like I sat there blindly watching it as it happened and convinced myself that she wouldn’t be this way because I’m the one with the adult issues and all you have to do is just enjoy your easy life.
Back-handed insults were handed to me left and right and I fucking swallowed them whole! No argument because of my own self-esteem issues. WHOLE! No questions asked. It wasn’t until I started seeing her jump from guy to guy that I was like, wait, something is not right. If it wasn’t for a certain bunny
entering into my life at the right time and by his own nature just making me feel better about things and being my rock through the hard times, I’m sure I would have gone batshit crazy!
So, the Reinvention of Me answers the one very important question that everyone should know. The Caterpillar asks –
Like Alice, I hardly know sir. I know who I was but, I think, I must have changed.
But I can tell you some things about me. I’m fucking better than most! I’m fucking amazing! If you need references, I fucking have those. So Fuck You!
You know what else? I’m fucking beautiful and I’ve got a great heart and awesome sense of humor. I am so amazed sometimes when people feel like the have the right to judge me based on someone else’s words about me and never once to the moment to fucking get to actually fucking know me! I’m fun! I’m happy! I love to work! I love to create art! I love to listen to music! and most of all… I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF! I’m awesome!
Apparently, sometimes, you just have to yell it out people they just don’t realize it until it’s too fucking late.
Dear Mr. Rabbit,
You’re fucking amazing and I’m glad that you went through this with me. Never did you falter and never did you fail me. You were my constant rock all of these months. Because you have the heart of gold, I know that you will succeed far beyond what you can comprehend at this moment. You deserve all of it so never, ever give up. You will always be my rabbit, in such a way that if you never leave, you will always have someone by your side to push back at you when you are being silly and overestimating your clock. When I need to slow you down and tell you to look at the bright side, I will always do that. When I need to tell you to get off your ass and make it happen, guess what?! You made a huge mistake because, as long as I can, I will be forever your friend and confidante.
This butterfly is super lucky to have you!
(For those of you affected by potential drug abuse, visit http://www.narconon.org. They have plenty of information about all drug usage.)