Muse

Will you be my muse for life?

Will you allow me to use your smile to create words?

Allow me to use your words to create photos?

Allow me to use your generousity to create a world perfect for us?

Will you be mine and in return use me in the same?

Create poetry with my eyes.

Create music with our soul.

Create everything with the love we share.

I cannot promise everything will be easy but if we create a world together, our shield of love will be unpentratable.

Will you be my muse for life?

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Goodbye sir

We always knew our bodies die

But in this moment let me

Shed love

Your memory stays warm & deep

The love we had I’ll always cherish

You appeared in a moment

Left the same way

Now I’d love to hear you

Until we meet again my friend

Stay with me even though

our time has been stolen

Defined

He defined me.

Selfish, victim and controlling.

I think

I think

I think

He doesn’t know me.

He doesn’t know.

Sacrifices

Heartbreak

Struggle

Fear

He doesn’t know.

Love

Partnership

Friendship

Uncertainty

What he knows.

Scewed

Tainted

Distant

Blurry

What he knows.

Anger

Poverty

Self-loathing

Miniscule

I am not his definition.

I will not be his manipulation.

Everyone has an opinion.

I’m too much this or not enough that.

Everyone has an opinion.

Stupid.

Gullible.

Loving.

Unaware.

Midnight ramblings of Insomnia

When you’ve written it down on paper but are silenced at the very thought. The moment you open your lips to speak the words and realize how wound up this insomnia got. The hour where all the dark collides with the wakening of your dreams and daylight has you thoroughly busting at the seams. The minute you show it to the stranger but fail to hide yourself in its anger. The second your secrets are hidden until that someone else starts reading.

I’ve once again realized that my book has been left unguarded and it’s been thrown into the fire’s flame to punish me cold-hearted.  Unperturbed are the memories that rest upon each page but unread are the feelings that now go up in flames. Smell the fire feel the smoke as the book lies silently burning. Because the moment it’s been written down was almost certainly it’s undoing.

Goodbye book, Goodbye pages, Goodbye memories of the night.

Goodbye peace, Goodbye dreams, hello insomnia of the night.

(Written at 1 am this morning as I lay on the couchbed wishing for sleep but daydreaming of a life unrealized.)

The Reinvention of Me

Wow.  What a year 2014 was and what a crazy year 2015 is starting to be.  In November, I posted Tornadoes.  Well, turns out only 1 was an actual tornado and the other was a victim, like myself.  Heroin is a hellavu drug, apparently.

About me.  I have, mostly throughout the last couple of months, questioned the hell out of myself.

1. How terrible of a person have I been in my past life?

2. How much do I deserve?

3. What can I have and what is off limits?

4. Who am I?

5. Am I making the right decisions?

6. Will these jobs lead to anything?

7. Will I ever get everything together?

But the worst part, is not the questioning.  I do this often.  The worst part is what those answers used to be.  At the time the tornado was in my life, I had already felt worthless and like a failure.  I am a single mom, 3 kids, asking for someone to let me stay on their couch so I don’t have to sleep in my car.  No one wants to pay me for working my ass off in this industry, which sucks.  Who would want to be me?  I had so much self-loathing that it was easy.  Manipulate away!  Let’s not forget, I have been under the roof of controlling people for the majority of my life so there was the emotional and psychological aftermath of that stuff.  Yeah, go ahead.  I should have just opened a door, laid a syringe on the table and shot it up her arm myself.  It was like I sat there blindly watching it as it happened and convinced myself that she wouldn’t be this way because I’m the one with the adult issues and all you have to do is just enjoy your easy life.

WRONG!

Back-handed insults were handed to me left and right and I fucking swallowed them whole!  No argument because of my own self-esteem issues.  WHOLE!  No questions asked.  It wasn’t until I started seeing her jump from guy to guy that I was like, wait, something is not right.  If it wasn’t for a certain bunnybunny

entering into my life at the right time and by his own nature just making me feel better about things and being my rock through the hard times, I’m sure I would have gone batshit crazy!

So, the Reinvention of Me answers the one very important question that everyone should know.  The Caterpillar asks –

catepillarLike Alice, I hardly know sir.  I know who I was but, I think, I must have changed.

But I can tell you some things about me.  I’m fucking better than most!  I’m fucking amazing!  If you need references, I fucking have those.  So Fuck You!

You know what else?  I’m fucking beautiful and I’ve got a great heart and awesome sense of humor.  I am so amazed sometimes when people feel like the have the right to judge me based on someone else’s words about me and never once to the moment to fucking get to actually fucking know me!  I’m fun!  I’m happy!  I love to work!  I love to create art!  I love to listen to music!  and most of all…  I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF!  I’m awesome!

Apparently, sometimes, you just have to yell it out people they just don’t realize it until it’s too fucking late.

Dear Mr. Rabbit,

You’re fucking amazing and I’m glad that you went through this with me. Never did you falter and never did you fail me.  You were my constant rock all of these months.  Because you have the heart of gold, I know that you will succeed far beyond what you can comprehend at this moment.  You deserve all of it so never, ever give up.  You will always be my rabbit, in such a way that if you never leave, you will always have someone by your side to push back at you when you are being silly and overestimating your clock.  When I need to slow you down and tell you to look at the bright side, I will always do that.  When I need to tell you to get off your ass and make it happen, guess what?!  You made a huge mistake because, as long as I can, I will be forever your friend and confidante.

WhiteRabbitThis butterfly is super lucky to have you!

(For those of you affected by potential drug abuse, visit http://www.narconon.org.  They have plenty of information about all drug usage.)

Tornado: https://butterflyafterlife.wordpress.com/2014/11/24/tornado/

Clarification: I just want.

(Just some thoughts flowing through my mind and like usual, past conversations interrupt and make theirselves present.)

I don’t want to have sex with you.

I want to wake up in the morning with the ability to stare at your perfection

I want to sit next to you and nestle into your arm for warmth and protection

I want to keep feeling, over and over again, that strong connection

I want to massage your arms and chest into a blissful erection

Medicating you with a completely euphoric projection

Two spirits meditating onto the perfect complexion

Vibrating to the tune of our own affection

These are not things I need to do

because truth be told,

I don’t need you.

I just want you.

young_snuggle_by_glee_chan-d4gibe8

Art Credit: Glee-Chan

Life is short and el tiempo es oro – La carta de Alfonso

Le ruego, no dejes que eso te pasa a ti. No deje que sus seres queridos se van sin ser capaz de decirles lo que sientes.

La vida es corta y el tiempo es oro.

So, a little background.  I’m Mexican-American and I don’t speak a lick of Spanish.  I probably speak more French than I do Spanish.  The following post has been translated into Spanish, I hope.  We all have to come to a point in life where we have these feelings and thoughts about our loved ones that just can’t be expressed.  I hope to express them, as accurately as possible, for the words to be heard over time, space and all boundaries.  Hang in there with me and let me know what you think.

Mi padre amoroso

Te veo.

Te escucho.

Necesito que sepas lo mucho que te amo.

No puedo renunciar a ti, no hoy, ni nunca.

Usted nunca ha renunciado a mi.

Si, los tiempos no siempre fueron faciles.

No siempres tenemos todo lo que queriamos.

Pero tu me ensenaste a ser yo.

Tu eres mi inspriacion y mi modelo de como ser un papa.

No todo el mundo es tan afortunado como yo.

Algunas personas nunca tienen padres o nunca llegan a ver ellos.

Algunos tienen padres que mueren y los extrano tanto, es dificil para ellos recordar por que.

Pero te tengo a ti.

Tengo la suerte de tener este tiempo para decirte que Te amo.

Yo nunca voy a dar para arriba en usted.

Yo nunca te dejare marchar.

Como usted pone alli, escuchame.

Listado de lo que digo.

Lleve con usted, dondequiera que este, todo el amor que tengo.

Siente el amor que tengo y quedarse conmigo hasta que es hora de separarnos.

Pero siempre se, nada volvera realidad separarnos porque yo estoy hecho de la mejor parte de ti.

Esa parte es su corazon.


Queridisima Alfonso,

Lo se.  Es muy dficil dejar de lado las personas que amamos.  No te rindas! Sabemos, sin embargo, que el dia llegara.  Diga adios sabiendo que has dicho todo lo que necesitabas para que nuestros seres queridos sepan que los amamos.  Cuando mi padre murio, yo estaba en el trabajo y me vine a casa y habia un millon de personas alli.  No tuve que decir adios.  Cuando mi madre se estaba muriendo, mi hermana nunca salio de su lado y no a mi ya mis hijos deje de decir adios.

Le ruego, no dejes que eso te pasa a ti.  No deje que sus seres queridos se van sin ser capaz de decirles lo que sientes.

La vida es corta y el tiempo es oro.

Con los mejores deseos y abrazos,

Mariposa

P.S. Mom & Dad – I miss you.