Midnight ramblings of Insomnia

When you’ve written it down on paper but are silenced at the very thought. The moment you open your lips to speak the words and realize how wound up this insomnia got. The hour where all the dark collides with the wakening of your dreams and daylight has you thoroughly busting at the seams. The minute you show it to the stranger but fail to hide yourself in its anger. The second your secrets are hidden until that someone else starts reading.

I’ve once again realized that my book has been left unguarded and it’s been thrown into the fire’s flame to punish me cold-hearted.  Unperturbed are the memories that rest upon each page but unread are the feelings that now go up in flames. Smell the fire feel the smoke as the book lies silently burning. Because the moment it’s been written down was almost certainly it’s undoing.

Goodbye book, Goodbye pages, Goodbye memories of the night.

Goodbye peace, Goodbye dreams, hello insomnia of the night.

(Written at 1 am this morning as I lay on the couchbed wishing for sleep but daydreaming of a life unrealized.)

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Lost in the Feeling

He says I’m a romantic

As I stare into his blue eyes

He says I’m a romantic

As his girlfriend sleeps alone

He says I’m fucking him good

As he worries about his girl at home


There’s no reason to tell lies

The words you say right now hurt no one

Look deep into my eyes

Getting lost in this empty feeling until Dawn


He wants to play games

As I lay thinking of another guy

He says I’m scared to name names

Unnamed man in my sky


There’s no reason to tell lies

My heart belongs with no one

Look deeper into my eyes

Let me enjoy this empty feeling until Dawn


He can hit each soft sport

As I beg for him to not stop

He can question my hearts thought

As I…

Imagine the unnamed man in his blue eyes, smiling back at me and enjoying each moment of emptiness with me.

Imagine how he would feel and what we would do when it was down to just us two.

But for now…


He says I’m a romantic

As I stare into his blue eyes

He says I’m scared

As I rest in his arms, compromised.

Clarification: I just want.

(Just some thoughts flowing through my mind and like usual, past conversations interrupt and make theirselves present.)

I don’t want to have sex with you.

I want to wake up in the morning with the ability to stare at your perfection

I want to sit next to you and nestle into your arm for warmth and protection

I want to keep feeling, over and over again, that strong connection

I want to massage your arms and chest into a blissful erection

Medicating you with a completely euphoric projection

Two spirits meditating onto the perfect complexion

Vibrating to the tune of our own affection

These are not things I need to do

because truth be told,

I don’t need you.

I just want you.

young_snuggle_by_glee_chan-d4gibe8

Art Credit: Glee-Chan

Everything

Everything in me wants me to contact you.

Everything in me wants to do something special for you.

Everything in me wants me to keep you.

Everything in me wants me to be near you.

Everything in me wants to see you smile again.

Everything.

I can’t.

Everything in me wants me to be secluded.

Everything in me wants to run the other way.

Everything in me tries to not to remember every word you’ve said.

Everything in me tries to forget your smile.

Everything in me is already hurt.

Here’s a tear, for everything.

I’m hurt and I’m a survivor but I’m not invulnerable

I’ve come to the realization today that my feelings are hurt.  I’m hurt more than I ever thought I could be, especially without seeing it coming.  Not because things happened, not because things were said, but more because things are lost.  Lost deep inside the confines of my brain where I cannot retrieve them.  I’m hurt because things weren’t quite my fault and I don’t know how they got here.  But nonetheless,

I’m hurt.

It’s been quite some time since I last posted here.  I thought I was coming to the understanding of knowing something about my life and where I am going with it.  My last post here was November 13, 2012.  Since then I’ve had to come to the realization that my family is who I choose it to be and not who I’m related to.  I’ve realized that we all make mistakes and sometimes forgiving is so much harder when the other person won’t admit the problem.  I’ve lived with people who tried to control me, and I’ve been homeless.  But what gets me the most is,

I DESERVE BETTER!

I’m hurt today.  My feelings are hurt.  I have to remind myself that I do, in fact, have feelings.  It may come as a shock, to some, for me to say this because a lot of people wouldn’t understand.  Shit, most men wouldn’t understand.  I live so shielded by my own hurt and pain that most people see a facade of who I really am.  It was only recently that I saw some people I really enjoy seeing, jumped on them to say hello, and at that point I realized that I was feeling good and really happy to see those people.  Feeling good?  Such an odd thing to feel as a homeless person who has to argue with all the relatives to see her kids and has to figure out where to go every night to catch sleep.  Feeling Good!  But, I do, in fact, have those things they call feelings.  Today,

I feel hurt.

I met this wonderful man.  We had an amazing day together.  He cooked for me, treated me to dinner and never left my side the whole day, and into the night when we went out together, as friends.  When he cooked for me, I was so excited because I’m looking at this beautiful man thinking, gosh, this complete stranger is treating me so well and I can’t even land a boyfriend.  We spent the day chatting about relationships and spending the day in each other’s company.  Every now and then, I let my mind wonder about the possibility of dating such a man.  But I’m not that cute, and I’m definitely older and there’s no possible way that I could possibly appeal to someone like him or anyone, for that matter.  Yes, my self-image is FUCKED!  Plus, why would I bring someone into my world full of homelessness, abandonment and little mini spinning tornadoes of crap.

Last night, we talked and I explained to him that I use the word love very “loosely”.  From that, he felt that I love loosely, which is not the same.  You see, I don’t see love as a word.  I see love as actions.  And if you are trying your hardest to love someone and they just don’t show you that they love you back, then you can still love them, but you have to know to love yourself more to not be addicted to the other person you love.

My feelings are hurt!

You see, what I didn’t realize until today is that, I want to know what it’s like to be in man like that’s arms, in his kiss and in his warmth.  I want to know, and I semi-yearn for it.  I wouldn’t dare to want for so much, because it would be selfish of me to want this or any more than this.  It’s selfish.  I’m a selfish person who wants to take love and remember.  Retrieve the memories from the deep, dark pits of my brain that have been fried from too much alcohol and drugs.  I want to take what I deserve and never look back at the chaos I create behind me, as I always create some sort of chaos.

But then I remember Damien and how good his kiss felt and how he hurt me.  I remember Bryant and how I may have hurt him without meaning to and I realize, I don’t deserve this happiness right now.  I should be hurt.  I need to be hurt.  I need pain like I need air.  I’m a masochistic freak that needs to feel some sort of pain to make it through those things that people call emotions.  Without pain, there is no way I can learn the lessons.  I feel like I would only hurt this man by pressing forward with something that is more of an experiment than it is anything else.  He deserves happiness, and I hope he finds it.  But right now…

My FEELINGS are hurt!

Not from something he did.  I’m intentionally pushing him and my friend together because I honestly think that would work out better than anything I could offer had we had any genuine interest in each other outside of friendship and massive soul-searching talks.

I sit here with a tear in my eye, thinking, remembering and reminding myself that I need work.  I need to work.  But I need work.

There are several men that I’ve met over the past couple of months that I would love to be in a relationship with.  I’m a finicky gal who has both a desire and no desire to settle down and/or have a long-term commitment of any sort.  It’s confusing for me, even more than anyone else.

I love me.  I am worthy and I am beautiful.  I may not be the thinnest or the prettiest, but when you remove some of the shell into my heart and soul and open the doorway, I am so worth it.

My feelings are hurt because I allow them to be.  I allow things to happen and I grow and change all the time.  These are my truths.

 

Here’s some turtles…

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Can I, Should I

I just need to get some thoughts out of my head today.

Bear with me.

It’s been 9 months, 4 days (279 days total) since I had my last feeling of being at-home within another being.  A brief, friendly, 4-day encounter that has haunted me daily.  I don’t think the fault lies on the other party, it’s all mine.  It’s stupid.  I torment myself.

Each encounter since (text message/email) has been initiated by myself, but on a friendly bases.  Each encounter ends with him writing something that drives me completely loopy and has my head spinning with thoughts of what could be.  It affects me for days, if not weeks, I don’t dare say months.  It’s a spark of chemistry that is hard for me to fight, no matter what has been established, a platonic relationship only.

He misleads me unintended, I think.  Emails & text messages end with terms of endearment.   I miss him.  What am I missing?  I don’t even know him.  I only know the feeling he has left me with.

I kissed a random at a party the other night and yet, it held no meaning, other than a game of lion and prey.  There was no flicker or spark of anything half as enticing as how happily miserable I feel contemplating if any of this means anything to him.  Purposefully avoiding any contact for months helped to move my mind elsewhere, however, I saw no interest in any other.  All erased with a wish.

Moving on again, my other treats me so right and I want to forever be treated this way, by someone who is more than just my friend and who I can whisper love to and it’s a deeper and more succulent relationship than this newly established friendship.  Thank you other, for showing me this, you are the best lesson I could have ever have had.

Is it a game I am unaware of?  Do I have to spill my guts and explain myself completely, again?  I can’t hold to the standard.  Can I wait longer to find out what it is?  Should I wait longer?  I don’t have the answers.

I starve myself of emotional contact with the opposite sex easily in anticipation of what could be.  The possibility of a future with…

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I read what I’m writing and my brain is telling me how stupid I am.  We only live life one time and I cannot wait forever.  My torment is my own.  I bear him no ill will.  I’m masochistic to the core of my being and this torment feeds that affliction.

Maybe it’s time to plan out a New Year’s resolution.

The return of… Um, Yeah, ok.

Definition of Appropriate – Suitable or proper in the circumstances
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. - Samuel Jackson

Today, I received the phone call, that I knew would come.  The guy, you know the one with the ring?  Yeap, he called and said he was coming back by.  Upon “racing” to see me, he got pulled over, but of course, he got out of it.  It comes with the territory.  No ring (again) of course.  He was supposed to make it for lunch, but got there much too late for me to go to lunch with him.  No loss there.  No biggie except…

We are sitting there talking and he starts telling me about this girl he has been seeing.  Of course, now I’m wondering, is this besides the wife?  Some guys!  What is the purpose of marriage if not to be with the one you marry?  Obviously, she had to have meant something to you at one point in time for you to go through with the whole blasted thing!  Right?  Don’t get me wrong, I will enjoy the splendors that come with a married man trying to get from me, what he can’t have.  So, he buys me lunch, so what?  If not me, it’ll be someone else.  Someone who won’t see the signs.  Someone who won’t care that he’s married, if she does know.  A female who will give him anything he wants because he thinks he is just that slick to get it and she’s just that dumb to give it.

Focus – he says.  He’s got focus.  Well, I have focus but I have more than that too.  I have intuition.  I knew, that day, when he showed up from out of nowhere.  I knew it and I know it now.  He’s up to no good.  He’s not the first I’ve seen of this type of male.  I’m sure he won’t be the last, unfortunately.

(Some)Ladies – I’m sorry to bust your bubble.  But if your guy is going to school, going on vacations without you and “working” way too much, there is probably something not quite right.  What can you do?  I will tell you.  Quit giving in to everything he wants!  Make him earn it!  Make him suffer!  You have all the power in the world and if you choose to give it away, don’t blame Sancha, blame yourself.  Make him rush home to see you because he doesn’t know how you have been because you have been busy doing things, other than trying to chase his ass down all day.  Make yourself busy with projects, even if there is nothing.  He doesn’t need to know that you are available nor does he need to know exactly how available you are.  If you aren’t married to him, quit giving up the good to any of them.  They don’t “need” it unless they have been clinically diagnosed.  In that case, what are you doing?

I don’t now much, but I know that this guy, ring or not, is on the prowl.  I’ll let him thing he has me in his sights before I prance away leaving no trail behind.  That’s my appropriate.

Don't make promises that you don't intend to keep
Don't make promises that you don't intend to keep