Oh no he didn’t do that! – Ways to get kicked to the curb after a 1st date.

I received a message asking What is something a guy might do on a 1st date that would make you not ask him out again?

Well, here is my answer, in long form.

1. 15%

If, on a date, we go to a restaurant and you don’t tip at least 15%, we aren’t going out again. What you may not realize is, the person who is serving us is probably not trying to be a server for the rest of their lives. No, it is not our responsibility to pay for the education or career choice of others, but the alternative choice is, we could have gone to the beach/park – had a picnic or met up for coffee/ice cream or any other amount of rather more creative things but instead we went to the restaurant and had people serve us. Shell out the money dude.

Plus, I’ve learned, generosity can be a nice thing in a man. If I don’t mind him picking food off my plate, he shouldn’t mind me doing the same. It’s the way, the men I know, are and they treat their women real nice like.

2. Goals – Short/Long

This is general. If you don’t know where you are going with your own life, you can’t possibly be in a space where dating would actually lead to helping you figure it out, it would only add to the disaster you will create for yourself by not knowing what you are trying to do.

If you had a goal and haven’t pursued it, we won’t be dating long, I don’t want to be the reason why you decide not to reach your goals.

If your goals are unattainable or childish, again, I see no point in moving forward because I live in reality and reality states, what can go wrong will and since tomorrow isn’t promised, I’m not wasting my present on you.

3. What are you looking for in a partner?

In my vision of the end of life, I see me and my unknown future husband sitting on a porch, sipping iced teas and laughing.We have been through life together and know everything about each other, he’s my best friend and I’m his. Yes, we have other friends and our neighbors know us as generous and fun-loving people, but we are each other’s best friend.

When I ask you what you are looking for in a partner, if it doesn’t match to what I want in a partner, buh bye buddy. Or, when you say, I don’t know yet – I’m not your test dummy – move on. I’ve been enough of a test dummy to know that you aren’t the one for me.

4. Respect

On a date, if you can’t sit with me for more than 15 minutes without looking at your phone, checking out that woman passing by or any kind of visual stimuli besides what I’m talking about or what I’m asking you – you are lacking the general understanding of respect and need to be smacked, or move on.

Reasoning for this one – how can we have a conversation if I can’t even maintain your attention for short periods of time. I’m big on respect.

5. Understanding

Look, I can take a good joke, obviously, just look at my exes. But you have to understand that I have kids, a life before you, work and education. Like all sentient beings, I have a past. A past I’m willing to share with you because it explains who I am and how I got here. Maybe I won’t unleash everything on you all at once, but if you ask, I’ll share, but you should share and be understanding in return. At the end of the day, we can still just be friends if you want.

6. Lexis Manipulation and fornication (Term I just came up with)

Exceptions to this rule are foreign-born wonders. While we speak, if you have a lot of uhs, duhs and ums, we probably need to stop speaking because I’ve probably already counted them and corrected your language the whole time we are talking. No, I’m not stuck up or full of myself, I just want to see that you can communicate in a way that I can understand. Nothing sexier than a man who can speak to my heart by impressing my brain through the manipulation of lexis fornication. Being that I have a BA in Psychology, I may not be the best reader of people, but I do understand the difference between bullshit and the real deal. I’ve had this happen to me a total of 2 times in my life and each time, I have to tell you, it blew me away.

7. Metaphorical Representation of my Conflicted Inner-Self (Titled as such for my buddy Chaz)

Today, I am dressed like a regular gal from the San Fernando Valley, in shorts and a t-shirt. Tomorrow, I may have make-up on and be decked out in a summer dress and next week, I may be rocked out in my fender shirt, blue jeans and platform boots. Whatever I’m feeling on the inside will definitely show on the outside through my wardrobe and attitude. If you come to a date and you are dressed up and I’m dressed out, well, if you can’t deal with it, then move on. I am a woman, my own woman. I need no one’s approval and ask for none. I’m a girl of the 1980s growing up on music from Nirvana, Joan Jett, Motley Crue, Poison, LL Cool J, The Doors, The Real NWA, Too Short, Keith Sweat and a million other innovators of today’s music. I maybe rocking out to Bob Marley all day or jamming to The Green Day but whatever it is, it’ll show. If you don’t have your eyes open from day one, you’ll never see it and you’ll never understand it and more importantly – never enjoy it. Keep your comments, snide remarks or funny glares to yourself. If you are too conservative, you can’t deal with me. I’m a wild child sometimes, and other times, I’m not. I know about a million people who would be surprised to find out what I do some days when they don’t see me.

8. Open

A few years ago, I was at work and a now retired lady by the name of Ida spoke to me. Now, I hadn’t seen her a lot and she didn’t really know me, but she asked me a couple of questions about my love life and how I was doing with my kids and stuff. After a minute, she looked at me and said, “you need to OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE.” I looked at her and said, I am open. She says, no you aren’t. She was right. I wasn’t. Years of denial thinking that I loved myself lead me to realize, I didn’t understand what love was. I do now. If you don’t understand it, which is something that will come through with the first 4 – 5 items above, be honest and safe us both time.

I’m sure if I thought long and hard, I could come up with more, but this is it for now.  (All images are borrowed.)

Men First or Women?

Ok, I admit it. I am a little old-fashioned. I didn’t start off this way though. Before, when I was younger and didn’t really understand what I wanted, I would have cared less and just did it myself but now, I’m different. I’ve changed. Over the years, through my previous lessons learned, through self-analysis, and mostly through others’ experiences, I’ve grown to know more or less, that what I want, coincides with my patience, rather than me rushing into things. Now, I understand that if I sit down and just have patience, things will happen.

What is it that I’m waiting for?

My friend posted a question about whether or not the woman or the man should be the first to approach.  Now, in my previous years, I didn’t mind doing the approaching because I was a go-getter and what I wanted, I’d go-agetter him.  Now, I want someone who is going to be the “Man” in the relationship.  He needs to be stronger willed and have the ability to reign me in when I’m off on a tangent.  How in the world can I expect for him to come along if I’m going after all the men that do not appear strong enough to approach me?  I mean, I could be completely wrong, I know that.  If I am, I’m willing to admit my misunderstanding in this whole way of thinking.  Is it so wrong for me to want someone who will work at getting to know me and then dating me before asking me to share his bed?

You be the judge.

Um, yeah, ok….

At work today, everything was good. I had my coffee, I had my bagel & more importantly, I had my cream cheese! Great mood was happening and I knew I had a great class to get to tonight. So, the work phone is ringing like crazy and will not stop. Co-worker, of course, is not at desk during the madness, but it’s ok, nothing can bring me down.

I get a phone call from a guy and tell him that I will help him get the classes he’s looking for, sure, why not! I request for him to send me a certain type of an email and of course, he does it wrong…..

Later on the phone with same male, he tells me that one day, he’s going to come over and hang out with me. By the way, did I mention Jamba Juice was at work today? Oh Yeah Baby! Since I didn’t have money, I asked my friend to buy me one and he does. As we are walking out, I see this person walking towards my job and think… no, it can’t be.

BUTTERFLY! I hear being called out by a male. I turn, “Wait, what? You actually came here?”
“Yes! I have to change something, can you help me?”
“Um, ok, I’m on lunch, I’ll be back, k?”

When I get back, can’t find him. So, I call him and tell him to come back to my office. He asks me to lunch. Sure! Quick look, good-looking, tall, of a decent age, maybe? We go to lunch, we talk and hang out a little. So, the jury is still out but co-worker is in love with his presence. It’s time to go back to work. He leaves to go do something and when he comes back, there it is…..

On the left hand. Sitting there, staring me in my face as he hugs me and thanks me for my assistance.

WHAT in the Hell????

Did he get away or did I?

I was at this event yesterday and all throughout the day, I saw this tremendous amount of young, good-looking men walking around.  Some with children, some without but they were there nonetheless and it got me thinking about things.

Let’s set this off right, first off.  The day started with a man standing in front of me with only a towel on, helping put

something into my car.  You can’t imagine the shock and surprise I was dealing with while thinking, of course not actually saying aloud, you have time to go put shorts on.  He is my friend’s younger brother who’d I’d never met before and apparently on the wonderful path to divorce.  Now, usually, if my head was really in the game, I probably would have had a conversation with him and tried to find a way to be the shoulder for him to cry on, but I was in a rush.  So, while thanking the heaven’s for eyesight and luck, I thanked the gentlemen and went on my way.  But not without sending my friend a message that I was a little embarrassed but thank you for having me look for him.  Of course, my friend figured why I was so embarrassed when he got home later in the day and asked his brother what he was wearing and he told him that I thanked him for it.  Great times!

It took forever to get the event and by this time, I needed a cigarette.  For people who know me, they know for certain that I do not smoke.  I smoked, previously, from the age of 10 to about 28 and quit cold turkey.  Unfortunately, I have another addiction that has been acting up quite ravenously lately, for good reason, and therefore, the cigarettes were the one way to “counteract” that addiction.  So, the 20 or so guys that were sitting next to us (there was less than 20, but I like to exaggerate) were giving me beer and cigarettes, which was great.  Unfortunately, I heard one guy’s disgust for my smoking.  Wouldn’t of matter if I wasn’t totally abashed every time he looked at me, spoke to me or anything my

way.  I’m talking about tattooed from neck to ankle, gauges and the most beautiful piercing blue eyes.  Yeah, not everyone’s type of guy, but from the moment I saw him, I wanted to keep seeing him.  Of course, by the end of the day, I handed him my card, in hope’s that we can do business in the future, and in despite of the smoking, I hope he takes up my offer.  Across the way, there was another one.  Just standing there looking great!  Thank you for him, whoever created him.  🙂  There were several others who should be mentioned for the sheer awesomeness and sexyness combined.  M & D…. my goodness.  They really shouldn’t be allowed to double team anyone with their combo good looks, great smiles and wonderful attitudes.  If I didn’t know better, I would have fallen head over heels for either, if not both of these guys.  Yes, I know, many would ask why I didn’t pursue any and the answer is simple, I was working.

So, on my way home, I call the ex and for once, he is telling me about the drama that experienced that day which gives me lead-way to tell him he’s a dumb ass for dealing with such nonsense.  Luckily for cell phones, otherwise, we’d never communicate, I promise.  So, we got to talking.  I was telling him about brother in towel, tattooed guy and guy across the way.  He’s starts saying to me, something like, it should be easy for me to find a boyfriend.  At this point, being the honest of the 2 of us, I earnestly admit, I haven’t had a boyfriend since him, which about 6 years ago and my last sexual encounter was about 3 years ago (hence the smoking – trying to keep the hormones in check).  And then I got on the subject of 2 guys that I’ve happened across in the past year that have peaked my interest.  The first, I now realize, would never have worked, although witty, charming and undeniably handsome, I’m an Alien and he’s from another world.  The other, well, I’m still not completely sure what happened and there have been several conversations about the situation.  I felt like I was at home with him.  When he spoke, he amazed me by his knowledge and I am not sure that I will find another like him, but I do wonder what he thinks and if he thinks of me as often as I do him.  My ex said that he was even confused by the situation and it made no sense.  I will wonder, until the day our paths cross again, if we still feell the same.

You see… I’m a simple girl and I guess that only works for me, for the time being.  I want a man, no matter if he is tattooed or not, pierced or not, white, mexican, European, or whatever to talk to (sometimes dramatically), make love with (mostly passionately) and hug tightly during the rough times of life.  When he comes home from wherever he goes to make money in his career, I want to be there for him ready to make him happy, even if I’ve had a bad day because I know that he will ask about my day, and when he finds out I’ve had a bad day, he’ll be angry and do everything in his power to make me happy – and that will make me happy.  I want him to love me so much, that he’ll go into a fit of jealousy when his friends flirt with me, grab me up and hug me to tell me that I’m his – that will make me happy.  He will never cease to put in the work required for the both of us to be happy, and this will keep me working just as hard.  He is my best friend, my provider, my protector and my partner in crime.  Although my life is busy and hectic, I would make room for the guy who breaks through my barriers and is willing to provide what my perfect idea of a man is.  Have I met him in any of the guy’s that I’ve met?  Obviously not, otherwise we’d be together now.  I can tell you, I don’t know what he looks like and I don’t know what he does for a living, but when he finds me, I hope he has the courage to tell me.

So, the question that remains is, with any of these guys, did he get away or did I?  I’m going to say it was I who got away!

Heat in my wallet – otherwise, I’m on fire!

So, it’s roughly like 1000 degrees outside and in my parent’s old home, where me and my family live, we have no air conditioner.  We run fans, but the fans blow in heat and well, it really doesn’t help me, you know?  Work, for once, was actually pleasant today.  I spent the majority of the day, by myself, catching up on all the work I haven’t been able to get done in the past several weeks do to illness and irritation.  Me being sick and then getting irritated with people yelling at me at work.  Trust me, if I’d have started this blog about a week ago, you would have heard something quite like a tale from your local bipolar neighbor, or something of the sorts.  Moving on to today, my favorite “co-worker” showed up and smiled his pretty smile at me (I don’t get to see him often) and talked to me for a bit before having to leave again (sigh).  I must have given off the “wrong impression” (or the right one, depending on how you see it) because he believes that me and another co-worker are closer than we really are, so I kinda blew that myth all out of the water, purposefully, even though, I admit, I put that myth there on purpose to see his reaction.

Now, in the grand scheme of things (in my little world of course), there are certain males in the world that I love it when I get to see them because, although each are completely different in looks, style and jobs, they are great to look at.  I see one of them often and he isn’t such a gem to look at unless he smiles at me or says hi, which isn’t often, but it’s nice and makes working where I work, bare-able.  My co-worker, now, when he comes in, I notice now (I didn’t before) that he smiles a little brighter and stays a little longer to talk to me.  I don’t mind.  I just wish I understood what it was all about.  The other guys I enjoy, I rarely see unless very lucky or I decide to cyber stalk, which is not really something I like to do.  Feels too weird. Anyways, my “co-worker” made work worthwhile today and I appreciate it!  Now, if only I can get them to all come by one by one and make me have a great day, I’d be set.

So, back to the original thoughts at the start of this blog (men always throw me off subject), I walked out into the world after work and found it so hot that it reminded me of Florida without the humidity, which I’ll always be thankful for.  Anyways, a couple of years ago, about 4 – 5 years or so now, I took my sons down to Florida to meet the family they never met previously and I spent well over $1500 on that week-long trip where we stayed in the hotel room the majority of the time because there was no one to show us around (no one made time for us) and there was absolutely nothing to do.  (I hate Florida, by the way.)  Today, after I picked up the kids from daycare, I made a quick and decisive decision to go pick up the computer from home and take everyone to Chuck E Cheese’s. The upside, it’s not hot in here and the kids get to run around.  The downside, I used up the rest of my gas to get here, we haven’t eaten yet and I have no money to purchase tokens, food or drinks for the kids.  I do believe that things will start to look up again, just not sure exactly when that all will happen, but it will.  I’m a believer in good things coming to those who keep their eyes, hearts, ears and minds open to receive the good stuff that’s out there for them.  I haven’t yet found my pot of gold, nor have I found the biggest ditch in the world.  Things are not the greatest today but they definitely are not the worst.  My money burns like a candle doused in gasoline; money for food, money for gas, money for new shoes for the kids, money on school supplies and then let’s not forget about the bills… ugh.  However, watching my oldest finally interact with his younger siblings when he knows that we are in a tight spot, is the best money I could have today and that, my friend, is not on fire and cannot be burned away, as long as I take the moments to pay attention, and I am.

Being friends sometimes is enough… or is it?

I saw a twitter post the other day about someone who has a friend, that they like more than a friend and wanted to know that age old question….

Do I tell her I like her more than as a friend or not?

Well buddy, here’s the long version answer to that question.

1. Longevity

The length of time is an important factor.  When you are a child, everyone is your friend.  As a teen, only certain people are your REAL friends and the others are just friend friends.  As a young adult, your circle of friends may tighten a little to include only those people who have gone through thick and thin with you and some people may come in and out of that friend circle, but you know who you really can count on as a friend.  As an adult, you realize that your friends have always been there, have adapted to your current way of life and haven’t really moved on, even though they may have moved away.

With that said, when you call this girl your friend, how well do you know each other as friends?  She may be hiding a whole lot of things from you because she may not even see you as the friend you think she is to you.  Just because you tell her parts about you and she tells you parts about her, doesn’t make her your friend in the adult manner.

However, if you have been friends for a long time, gone through thick and thin and no each other’s bullshit, then I see that strong foundation of friendship there and then it makes sense why you think she’s your friend.

2. Function

Sometimes being friends with people requires a lot of work.  Just like in a personal relationship, of any kind, you need to be able to see whether or not you can openly communicate with the person and they feel as though they can do the same with you.  However, sometimes, even though our friends go through it all with us, they may be just functional friends and not really personal friends.

Functional friends are the ones that you will find will talk to you, be all about you in the moment and then when that moment is over, they will move on and find other friends.  Nothing wrong with this type of friend because they can still be friends of the deepest and truest nature, touch base from time to time, but if you can’t tell if they are your true friends here’s a little test.  Shut up.  No, really, just shut up.  See what happens.

When you shut up, a real friend, who isn’t just about what they can get from you, will ask you about you and want to know what is going on in your life.  They will be genuinely concerned for you, your family and whatever is going on.  A functional friend will ask you about something that will somehow be a gain on their side.  So, if they a functional friend, either move her into the personal friend space or leave it alone.

3. All or none

At the end of the day, the real person you want to be with will possess all the qualities you are looking for in your partner minus the qualities that you can live without.  However, above all else, they should be someone who you can completely divulge everything to.  They know the ins and out of you as a person and they have no criticisms or hang ups on you and vice versa.  They are ultimately your best friend.

 – 4. Reason

If all else is on point, ask yourself one last thing…. what good or bad will come from professing your love for your friend today?

If there is a hurry, then maybe it isn’t exactly what you think it is.  Maybe it’s more like, I like her and really wanna get in her pants and I don’t care if we potentially mess up this friendship we have.  OR… I like her, I want her to be the one for me, but I’m going to take my time, make sure we are compatible and then take it from there.  Not all friendships can withstand the let’s make this happen but it could withstand the possibility of making this happen in the future after I know you better, and after I know myself better.

I hope you make the right choice friend!  Last thing I ever want to see is you getting hurt.

Does anyone else have an opinion on this question?

My 1st Post

So, today, I have finally took the 1st step to creating my blog space and actually created the space!  Yay!  I will be writing semi-anonymously, as to not offend anyone looking to be offended by me.  I have a lot that I want to share and think this might be a great place to do it!  I look forward to everyone’s comments on my writings.

My biggest accomplishment, at the end of this, will hopefully be the book I’ve had in my heart to write but not the time nor the focus to do it!

Here we go….