You let me down

When I needed you the most, you let me down. Now you are trying to come back and I’m not trying to be around.

 

Why is it that whenever we are on our knees (figuratively), begging and pleading for assistance from our so-called friends, they turn their backs?  They say they are too busy, they ignore us.  However, as soon as they have something going wrong, you are the first person they call and you have no issue with helping?  These are the same people who claim to live by a certain faith, religions belief system or moral system, yet they always show you different.


Trust me, I’m not bitter.  I’m just no longer blind, haven’t been for a while.


I will not, however, change being me.  In MMORPGs, I tend to play the cleric.  However, looking through the history of my life, have I not always played a cleric?  My best friend was a kid whose parents were alcoholics, they neglected him.  His uncle, who was the only male role-model he had, was a drug addicted gang-member who eventually took up religion and left my best friend fending for himself at the age of 12 or 13.  Of course, not before introducing my best friend to drugs and the gang lifestyle.  My family always marked my best friend as no-good, but I always saw the best in him and helped him whenever I could.  He was my play brother.


In and out of jail all our lives, as we got into our high school years, he would just disappear for months at a time.  I would hear from him as soon as he was in jail and as soon as he was out, I wouldn’t hear from him again.  At least, until the next jail episode.  


By the time we hit our 20s, he had a baby with a crack-addicted whore and had  introduced his sweet younger brother to crack.  My disappointment, by this time, was unbearable.  I couldn’t help.  I couldn’t fix what was done to him throughout his life.  I couldn’t erase what he did to his brother or what his child was born into.  Why he couldn’t change was beyond me!  The decision to have a child with a crack addict was beyond me.  There is this certain ignorance that surrounds this lifestyle that I have grown out of.  The ignorance of nothing else but these four walls (City limits, jail cells, home) that limits the thinking of the lower-income youth.  I say this because, the youth that has family who travel to places like Europe for the summer or New York for New Years Eve celebration fundamentally understand that these four walls are non-existent.


One day, in July 2008, I’m sitting in the car with my ex, a letter in my hand.  My best friend is back in jail again.  I sat there and told my ex what I wrote to my best friend and what I told to Cousin Eddie and what I’ll tell to you now…


“When I needed you most, you were not there for me.  When I was down on my luck, you weren’t my friend, you were nowhere to be found.  Now, you are down and you want to come around and talk to me.  You need me, you want me in your life.  Well, what about me?  What do I get out of this friendship?  Nothing.  It pains me to see this happen to you, things you could have changed but didn’t.  I hate seeing you addicted to the same drugs that you were doing as we were children.  I don’t want to hear the stories about how are childhood friends are still doing the same drugs and overdosing.  No one helped me when I needed money to put food in my baby’s mouth, no one was there.  No one cared.  I had to figure it out on my own.  I found ways to make money and I have taken care of my kid since day one.  Not you, me.  By myself.  I am a grown up and it’s time to be a grown up.  It’s time for you to grow up too.


I love you, I want you to take care of yourself but I can no longer care for someone who doesn’t care for their own self.”

Sometimes, it’s much harder to let go then it is to stay.  As is the case for my best friend and cousin Eddie.

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My Web Series

I’ve never taken any marketing classes.  Originally, I went to school as a Business major and got my AA in Economics but never took a marketing class.  Yet, here I am.  Trying hard to figure out the best, free ways to market and promote my web series.

I get it that it isn’t the best quality for a first season.  I get it that aside from the other producers on the show, no one understands the time, energy and money it took to complete the 1st season.  But here we are today, with a completed 1st season, we have funding for a 2nd season and I’m stuck.  Click HERE to view the season finale.

Today, the focus will be, marketing research.  If you happen across my blog and have any suggestions, I would love them.

No, I have nothing to say other than this today.  At least for now.  Thank you in advance for stopping by.

Memory of the Rocket Man

I sat at a table with 3 of my friends/co-workers at this nice little chicken joint in Hollywood.  I, like usual, faced towards the door by the mirror with one friend to the right of me and the other 2 across the table.  There were plenty of people there, it was packed.  There was a line outside to get in, like usual.  We were laughing and telling jokes and talking about work, nothing unusual for our crowd of geeks.  We had just ran a Windows 95 update on all the computers and I had been busy fixing a bunch of floppy drives while that was going on.  Just the same old boring stuff, you know.

Across the way, the security guard smiled and began to greet this man who walked in the door.  The man greeted the security guard in return, very friendly, they knew each other.  When he turned my way, his good looks and nice smile overwhelmed me.  I needed to know who he was and needed to meet him.  5’9″, dark, clean-cut with a charming demeanor.  As I sat there, trying to not make myself to obvious, I thinking about whether or not I would find a way to meet him.

It was time to leave.  We grabbed the check and headed to pay.  As we stood there, the opportunity arrived when the security walked up.  Calmly and coolly, “Who is that you were talking to,” I say to him, “introduce me, yes?”  The security guard smiles and agrees without hesitation.  Tiger is his name.  We exchange phone numbers and part ways.  Even better, he’s super nice and even cuter up close and personal.

Months later, Tiger calls me over to his house in Los Angeles, CA.  We’ve known each other for a while by now, as friends, so I didn’t see a problem about going over and really wasn’t sure what to expect. He has told me some things about himself, including his work in music.   We went into the room in the backyard, the studio.  As we walked in I was a bit surprised to see Platinum records hanging from the wall, but maintained my cool.  It’s not like I haven’t been around others in that business, but this was a first for me, a studio in someone’s back room.  As we talked about things, here and there, he says, “Butterfly, I want to do something for you.”  He sits me down across from where the mic stand is and says, “be patient.”

He sets up the mic, pushes a button and in the background the track plays, its familiar at first.  As he stands in front of the mic, he starts to sing with a beautiful and perfect voice:

She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
…It’s just my job five days a week
A rocket man, a rocket man

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time…

 

He did this dance with it, while he was singing.  He always sang but this was the first time a man had ever sang to me and it had to be a Tiger… (or a Lion, as he would call himself.  He would also have called me sheep rather than the Butterfly.)  Every time Elton John’s song plays, my mind goes back to that day, in that dark, home studio, where things were peaceful, me and him and him singing Rocket Man.  Where he described things that he thought were true and I argued with him that he was wrong.  Where he laughed and played with me, as friends do sometimes.

It has been a long long time Tiger.  It’s been a long, long time.

How I do what to my ex?

My sister, from another family and is a single mother of one, sends a message telling me that this guy posed the most interesting question to her.  Now, since I am here to help myself, her and anyone who wants to read this crazy blog, I told her, Yeap, that’s going on there.

So, the question she received from this guy she was talking to is this:

How do you satisfy your ex mentally, physically, etc?

First… WHAT?????

(and after the initial shock…) Second, I think the answer to his question is obvious.  If he had been satisfied mentally, physically and so on, he wouldn’t be an “ex”, he’d be a current and possibly a hubby.  As long as he was helping to return the satisfaction.

It occurs to me that this individual (referred to as weirdo) feels as though, after a break-up, it is customary for ex anythings to still keep an intimate relationship, of some sort, in able to coexist.  Especially those who have children with each other.  I respectfully disagree.  However, the people we are talking about are in their early to mid twenties and I am a strong mid-thirty.  It’s a difference in times and in mind sets.  My sister was shocked because she has the wisdom of experience and knows that having an intimate relationship with someone she is clearly not in love with or in an actual relationship with is not the best choice for herself or her child and does not set a great example for her daughter.

Let’s think for a moment of the millions of children out there that are growing up thinking, this is ok.  With a society who starts having unprotected sex as early as 9 years old, parents who started having children far too early in life and the ability to turn to any channel or download anything from the internet that is completely inappropriate, it is very important that as soon as they can start understanding basic concepts, that we tell our children that promiscuity is not the path you want to walk down.  I’ve been talking with my teenage son for years now about sex and what happens if you do not protect yourself and what type of girl he should consider dating, instead of dating every girl.  Has he heard me, yes.  Does he listen?  No idea.  I cannot be there every moment of his life and I cannot make the decisions for him, but I can inform him and prepare him to be a man.  That’s my job as a single mom.  That’s my job as his mother.  Even more importantly, that is my job as a responsible citizen and adult.

It is not appropriate to have sex with your ex.  It isn’t appropriate to give anything of yourself once they (the ex) have given up the rights that every man and woman get once they enter a relationship.  So sister, that is your rebuttal to said weirdo.  This was a test to see if you were still in a relationship with your ex and even more, it was a signal of the type of person this weirdo is.  He is probably still having sex with his ex or thinks it’s ok for himself to go back to an ex.

I made the mistake of being in a relationship with a guy who felt that way.  He felt it ok to call his ex at night to tell her he loved her, to send her emails on Valentine’s day, just to chat and he felt it ok to cheat on me when he was away.  Don’t make those mistakes, read the signs from day one and you will be able to understand what the type of man you want in your life will be like.

Love you sister.

Oh no he didn’t do that! – Ways to get kicked to the curb after a 1st date.

I received a message asking What is something a guy might do on a 1st date that would make you not ask him out again?

Well, here is my answer, in long form.

1. 15%

If, on a date, we go to a restaurant and you don’t tip at least 15%, we aren’t going out again. What you may not realize is, the person who is serving us is probably not trying to be a server for the rest of their lives. No, it is not our responsibility to pay for the education or career choice of others, but the alternative choice is, we could have gone to the beach/park – had a picnic or met up for coffee/ice cream or any other amount of rather more creative things but instead we went to the restaurant and had people serve us. Shell out the money dude.

Plus, I’ve learned, generosity can be a nice thing in a man. If I don’t mind him picking food off my plate, he shouldn’t mind me doing the same. It’s the way, the men I know, are and they treat their women real nice like.

2. Goals – Short/Long

This is general. If you don’t know where you are going with your own life, you can’t possibly be in a space where dating would actually lead to helping you figure it out, it would only add to the disaster you will create for yourself by not knowing what you are trying to do.

If you had a goal and haven’t pursued it, we won’t be dating long, I don’t want to be the reason why you decide not to reach your goals.

If your goals are unattainable or childish, again, I see no point in moving forward because I live in reality and reality states, what can go wrong will and since tomorrow isn’t promised, I’m not wasting my present on you.

3. What are you looking for in a partner?

In my vision of the end of life, I see me and my unknown future husband sitting on a porch, sipping iced teas and laughing.We have been through life together and know everything about each other, he’s my best friend and I’m his. Yes, we have other friends and our neighbors know us as generous and fun-loving people, but we are each other’s best friend.

When I ask you what you are looking for in a partner, if it doesn’t match to what I want in a partner, buh bye buddy. Or, when you say, I don’t know yet – I’m not your test dummy – move on. I’ve been enough of a test dummy to know that you aren’t the one for me.

4. Respect

On a date, if you can’t sit with me for more than 15 minutes without looking at your phone, checking out that woman passing by or any kind of visual stimuli besides what I’m talking about or what I’m asking you – you are lacking the general understanding of respect and need to be smacked, or move on.

Reasoning for this one – how can we have a conversation if I can’t even maintain your attention for short periods of time. I’m big on respect.

5. Understanding

Look, I can take a good joke, obviously, just look at my exes. But you have to understand that I have kids, a life before you, work and education. Like all sentient beings, I have a past. A past I’m willing to share with you because it explains who I am and how I got here. Maybe I won’t unleash everything on you all at once, but if you ask, I’ll share, but you should share and be understanding in return. At the end of the day, we can still just be friends if you want.

6. Lexis Manipulation and fornication (Term I just came up with)

Exceptions to this rule are foreign-born wonders. While we speak, if you have a lot of uhs, duhs and ums, we probably need to stop speaking because I’ve probably already counted them and corrected your language the whole time we are talking. No, I’m not stuck up or full of myself, I just want to see that you can communicate in a way that I can understand. Nothing sexier than a man who can speak to my heart by impressing my brain through the manipulation of lexis fornication. Being that I have a BA in Psychology, I may not be the best reader of people, but I do understand the difference between bullshit and the real deal. I’ve had this happen to me a total of 2 times in my life and each time, I have to tell you, it blew me away.

7. Metaphorical Representation of my Conflicted Inner-Self (Titled as such for my buddy Chaz)

Today, I am dressed like a regular gal from the San Fernando Valley, in shorts and a t-shirt. Tomorrow, I may have make-up on and be decked out in a summer dress and next week, I may be rocked out in my fender shirt, blue jeans and platform boots. Whatever I’m feeling on the inside will definitely show on the outside through my wardrobe and attitude. If you come to a date and you are dressed up and I’m dressed out, well, if you can’t deal with it, then move on. I am a woman, my own woman. I need no one’s approval and ask for none. I’m a girl of the 1980s growing up on music from Nirvana, Joan Jett, Motley Crue, Poison, LL Cool J, The Doors, The Real NWA, Too Short, Keith Sweat and a million other innovators of today’s music. I maybe rocking out to Bob Marley all day or jamming to The Green Day but whatever it is, it’ll show. If you don’t have your eyes open from day one, you’ll never see it and you’ll never understand it and more importantly – never enjoy it. Keep your comments, snide remarks or funny glares to yourself. If you are too conservative, you can’t deal with me. I’m a wild child sometimes, and other times, I’m not. I know about a million people who would be surprised to find out what I do some days when they don’t see me.

8. Open

A few years ago, I was at work and a now retired lady by the name of Ida spoke to me. Now, I hadn’t seen her a lot and she didn’t really know me, but she asked me a couple of questions about my love life and how I was doing with my kids and stuff. After a minute, she looked at me and said, “you need to OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE.” I looked at her and said, I am open. She says, no you aren’t. She was right. I wasn’t. Years of denial thinking that I loved myself lead me to realize, I didn’t understand what love was. I do now. If you don’t understand it, which is something that will come through with the first 4 – 5 items above, be honest and safe us both time.

I’m sure if I thought long and hard, I could come up with more, but this is it for now.  (All images are borrowed.)

Men First or Women?

Ok, I admit it. I am a little old-fashioned. I didn’t start off this way though. Before, when I was younger and didn’t really understand what I wanted, I would have cared less and just did it myself but now, I’m different. I’ve changed. Over the years, through my previous lessons learned, through self-analysis, and mostly through others’ experiences, I’ve grown to know more or less, that what I want, coincides with my patience, rather than me rushing into things. Now, I understand that if I sit down and just have patience, things will happen.

What is it that I’m waiting for?

My friend posted a question about whether or not the woman or the man should be the first to approach.  Now, in my previous years, I didn’t mind doing the approaching because I was a go-getter and what I wanted, I’d go-agetter him.  Now, I want someone who is going to be the “Man” in the relationship.  He needs to be stronger willed and have the ability to reign me in when I’m off on a tangent.  How in the world can I expect for him to come along if I’m going after all the men that do not appear strong enough to approach me?  I mean, I could be completely wrong, I know that.  If I am, I’m willing to admit my misunderstanding in this whole way of thinking.  Is it so wrong for me to want someone who will work at getting to know me and then dating me before asking me to share his bed?

You be the judge.

Um, yeah, ok….

At work today, everything was good. I had my coffee, I had my bagel & more importantly, I had my cream cheese! Great mood was happening and I knew I had a great class to get to tonight. So, the work phone is ringing like crazy and will not stop. Co-worker, of course, is not at desk during the madness, but it’s ok, nothing can bring me down.

I get a phone call from a guy and tell him that I will help him get the classes he’s looking for, sure, why not! I request for him to send me a certain type of an email and of course, he does it wrong…..

Later on the phone with same male, he tells me that one day, he’s going to come over and hang out with me. By the way, did I mention Jamba Juice was at work today? Oh Yeah Baby! Since I didn’t have money, I asked my friend to buy me one and he does. As we are walking out, I see this person walking towards my job and think… no, it can’t be.

BUTTERFLY! I hear being called out by a male. I turn, “Wait, what? You actually came here?”
“Yes! I have to change something, can you help me?”
“Um, ok, I’m on lunch, I’ll be back, k?”

When I get back, can’t find him. So, I call him and tell him to come back to my office. He asks me to lunch. Sure! Quick look, good-looking, tall, of a decent age, maybe? We go to lunch, we talk and hang out a little. So, the jury is still out but co-worker is in love with his presence. It’s time to go back to work. He leaves to go do something and when he comes back, there it is…..

On the left hand. Sitting there, staring me in my face as he hugs me and thanks me for my assistance.

WHAT in the Hell????