Goodbye sir

We always knew our bodies die

But in this moment let me

Shed love

Your memory stays warm & deep

The love we had I’ll always cherish

You appeared in a moment

Left the same way

Now I’d love to hear you

Until we meet again my friend

Stay with me even though

our time has been stolen

Los Angeles

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Open and wild
Free to act like a child
Bask in the glory
This mountain’s true story
Things heard and seen
Life’s true memory
Alone I sit
Contemplating all of it
They come, they go
Only for moments though
All this time I’ve got
To enjoy life in thought
Serene and peaceful
Los Angeles is beautiful

Circular thoughts

I sent a thought out into the circle and swore I heard you respond

I sent this thought for your energy to find its way to happiness

I sent a thought out into the circle hoping to hear your sound

A rush of calm and love came flooding in, light and fulfilling and I sent it out back to you…

I sent my love for you into the circle and my pain has eased

I sent my heart’s energy into the circle and hope that it’s reached you.

My my my what ifs

This was written on March 8 th,  2015 while I was on the bus heading home. The moment in which I realized,  in written form and mental thought, that I have a greater power that I’ve kept hidden for a long time.  Do you ever feel this way?   What do you think? What would be your answers to your own what ifs?

Original note:

What if, in this world, everyone we meet connects with us on a deeper level that we refuse to pay attention to?  What if we can implant, some stronger than others, a piece of ourselves in the form of energy into each other?

I’ve always believed that with every boyfriend I’ve had, they’ve somehow left a imprint on me.  But what if it’s even wider spread than that. Every time a friend has been pregnant, I’ve felt this to some degree.  What if that’s just their imprint in my soul?  Something I keep, long after they’ve left.  

Pushing forward, when you open up to the energy that someone gives you, whether negative or positive, it is completely possible to feel what they want you to feel. To affect someone so deeply without being near then transcends time and space. To be able to show physical manifestations from that imprint would require an openness that may not be purposeful on either side.  Completely unintentional but rather an auto response of our own energy searching out other energy to taste it or experience it, to learn and grow.  Like the human immune system for your soul.  

What if all this leads to one outcome that cannot be fully granted before death.

My thoughts today,  May 13 th,  2015:

Yes, I do believe. I believe that I’m stronger for it. These ideas always remind me of Robert’s best friend who would come to me in my dreams after he killed himself before I sent him away. I used to say that is unfair to feel these things. I often talk to my friends,  those who will listen,  that I sometimes feel like I’m insane. Can I be the only one in the world who experiences the world in this way?  The answer,  I’ve come to find out,  is no. I enjoy being at one with the world,  the energy in the world and all the gifts that are out there. My acceptance of both the good and the bad is essential and I need to recognize it.

You see,  the fear I have isn’t really being declared insane,  is being declared correct. Because if I am, then that means I need to be careful. That means that there is someone out there who can connect with me so fully that they could possibly destroy me or blow me into oblivion.

As I lay here, feeling and thinking, I don’t try to fix the situation but rather gain knowledge of the unknown and embrace the energy that intrudes on me daily.

Because the “what ifs” are so many, I know that steps need to be made before answers can be reached.

Good night world

Midnight ramblings of Insomnia

When you’ve written it down on paper but are silenced at the very thought. The moment you open your lips to speak the words and realize how wound up this insomnia got. The hour where all the dark collides with the wakening of your dreams and daylight has you thoroughly busting at the seams. The minute you show it to the stranger but fail to hide yourself in its anger. The second your secrets are hidden until that someone else starts reading.

I’ve once again realized that my book has been left unguarded and it’s been thrown into the fire’s flame to punish me cold-hearted.  Unperturbed are the memories that rest upon each page but unread are the feelings that now go up in flames. Smell the fire feel the smoke as the book lies silently burning. Because the moment it’s been written down was almost certainly it’s undoing.

Goodbye book, Goodbye pages, Goodbye memories of the night.

Goodbye peace, Goodbye dreams, hello insomnia of the night.

(Written at 1 am this morning as I lay on the couchbed wishing for sleep but daydreaming of a life unrealized.)

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I’m shaking.

The fear is setting in.

I don’t want to let you go.

But I think I need to push you away.

I feel you inside my heart and soul.

I feel I might have to let go.

How long can I wait?

I’m silent.

I’m aching.

I’m saying goodbye.

It begins my heartbreaking.

My eyes are burning with fear of you.

My fear resides in the thought of losing you.

Let me hold you close inside without losing control.

I can only do so much and take so much of this.

My emotions are overrun by the thoughts.

My heart is overrun by the memory.

No touch could help me now.

I’m loving.

Girls like me don’t get that lucky

I was introduced to him.  After he walked away, I said, wow, he’s gorgeous.  My friend agreed.  But there was something about the way he looked at me…

Nope.  Impossible.

Next conversation.  He talked, I listened.  I remember thinking, stop looking.  He’s too wonderful.  Look at the stars I said and thought is he really saying these things and the way he looks at me…

Nope.  Impossible.

What do I know?  Nothing.  He speaks the language of intelligence far beyond my comprehension.  He creates a world of his own slightly out of my reach.  One that I might dare touch and try to always keep his eyes looking at me…

Nope.  Impossible.

Guys like him, they get the perfect world.  Girls like me don’t get that lucky.  But I remember, the way he looked at me.