The Day Trump Hurt My Feelings

Somehow, I was deemed, ACCEPTED, by my white neighbors.

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I was born to parents born in El Paso, Texas.  Their parents were legal migrants from Mexico.  As children, Ricardo and Juana, would travel, with their families, from El Paso, Texas to Gilroy, CA for the farming season.  Not meeting each other until later on in their lives when both families decided to move to and settle in San Fernando and Pacoima, CA.

For not being born into privilege, they did well.  Richard, as he was known, retired from the Army life early and became a union brother at General Motors, along with some of his brothers.  Jenny, as she was known, decided to be a stay at home wife, taking care of her 2 children, Deborah, 8, and RJ, 7, when I decided to pop into the picture.

Boom!  I was born right into the middle class.  All 3 of us attended private school and English was our 1st and only language.  When I showed interested in learning Spanish, my mother always discouraged me because we were in America and we are Americans.  I always wondered what made her think this way.  I never really fit in with the Latino crowd because, well simply, I didn’t speak Spanish and I was considered Pocha.  I thought that maybe I fit in with the neighborhood kids because we are all mixed.  Danny and Sandy were Korean American, Tammy’s family was white, Belinda’s family was interracial with both black and white, Cedros’ family were American Indians, Adolf and his family were Jewish, our next door neighbors were white and then there was my family, Mexican American.  (As a side note, we had a lesbian couple on our block along with a gay man, which should have been shocking in the 80s but it was normal for us)  I’ve been lucky.  I lived in a diverse neighborhood that taught us all tolerance and understanding of our fellow Americans.

My mother had trees.  Boy, did she have trees and a flair for making spicy chili (salsa), spicy anything for that matter, to share.  She would make food for the neighbors and they would return the favor in kind.  When we picked fruit from the trees, all the neighbors were invited over to come pick their share of fruits or we would prepare bags of fruits for them and deliver it to their door.  There are a lot of things my mom taught me.  A lot, completely wrong and crazy but the best thing she ever taught me was to love your neighbors and look out for one another, never once pointing out any differences.

My father, on the other hand, well he taught me to laugh at everything and not to take everything so seriously.  Both are gone now.  As an advocate against child abuse and corruption with the government, but even more than that, I’m a burner, a hard worker, an artist, a mother and a human, my biggest fear is that I will not be able to accomplish my goals because, well, at the end of the day, I’m Mexican.

I’ve been living a lie.  For as long as I can remember, I lived with the idea that all of my neighbors accepted me, for me.  That they loved me because I’m a good person inside and that they didn’t look at me as one race or another, but as a person.  The idea that they watched me grow up from a bratty little tyke into the woman that I was yesterday and whoever I will be tomorrow, that they love me, as I love them.  However, I now know how wrong I am.

On June 5th, my world changed and on June 6th, I hadn’t stopped crying.  First off, as an adult, I remained friends with some of my neighbors through Facebook.  One in particular, Drew, I refer to as my brother and his cousin as my cousin.  Well, what started off as another jab at Hillary Clinton from a Donald Trump supporter, my cousin, turned into pain and anger.  After a man made a comment about Trump being God chosen, I simply said, God and politics have nothing to do with each other and if it did, God isn’t hateful and mean-spirited.  My so-called brother jumped in to explain that I don’t know anything about politics because although my dad was a sweet man, he was more than likely illegal and this somehow made me ignorant.  This was somehow, his twisted ideological way of defending me.

Several posts trying to defend himself as right, brought me to this realization.  I was allowed to be a friend to white people because I somehow passed a test when I was born into my family.  My parents, somehow passed a test when they moved in.  Somehow, I was deemed, ACCEPTED, by my white neighbors.  We are not criminals, like other Mexicans.  We aren’t thieves, like other Mexicans.  We are somehow the exception.  I was somehow an exception.  So, as long as Trump keeps out people who aren’t accepted yet, we are good.

Mr. Trump, your hate speech is no longer wanted or appreciated.  You have reignited a whole new generation of racism and sexism that we, as a country, have worked so hard to eliminate and move away from.  It’s a shame.  It’s complete shame that you are allowed to use your celebrity to lie and deceive people on such a grand level that you are turning Americans against Americans.  The people in this beautiful country are not without fault, but you sir, need to get off the mic.  I will be glad when this election is over and are put back into the hole from which you have come out of.

Muse

Will you be my muse for life?

Will you allow me to use your smile to create words?

Allow me to use your words to create photos?

Allow me to use your generousity to create a world perfect for us?

Will you be mine and in return use me in the same?

Create poetry with my eyes.

Create music with our soul.

Create everything with the love we share.

I cannot promise everything will be easy but if we create a world together, our shield of love will be unpentratable.

Will you be my muse for life?

Goodbye sir

We always knew our bodies die

But in this moment let me

Shed love

Your memory stays warm & deep

The love we had I’ll always cherish

You appeared in a moment

Left the same way

Now I’d love to hear you

Until we meet again my friend

Stay with me even though

our time has been stolen

Arlin on the train

He misses her

waiting to see

remember her touch

Closing his eyes

Pain subsides

All he can see

Is her beautiful eyes

STOP!

FOCUS!

He forces himself to forget

But here she comes

in his heart

He knows she’s better off

Biting his lip

Using the pain to forget

He misses her once again

Feelings – I suck

It’s hard for me to remember
Because of the way I’ve been treated
It’s hard to diagnose
Feelings of the mistreated
No one has taken me
Into consideration
I have all but forgotten
What it is to be in this station

When you don’t bother to check in
You never return a phone call
You don’t ask how I’m doing
Or even care for me at all

I had a reminder
That they all have feelings
Be careful with their hearts
I’m told
They have feelings and thoughts
I’m told

But what about me

When they forget to call
When they forget to write
When they forget to show love
Leaving me alone in the night

But what about me
Do I not have any
These feelings thing you speak of
I feel I may have plenty
It may not be so loud
And it might be slightly concealed
But the worry and the anger
Are all things that I feel

I’m reminded about that time
Where I simply forgot
The appointment on my calendar
And the ringing of my clock
The distance was wide
And I did not despair
For he was acting like they all do
Just like he did not care

Months then pass
And that’s when I realize
His feelings were hurt
His smiling is simply a disguise

They are right to stay away
Because I seem to not have a care
For the feelings of others
Blankly, I’m not aware

Today, Tonight, Tomorrow

Today would be a great day

to forget his face

to forget his smile

and to forget his existence

Tonight would be an amazing night

while I’m in another’s arms

while I’m filled with hope

while I’m writhing in pain

Tomorrow would be a great time

for him to forgive me

for him to think of me

for him to let me be

Last night would have been perfect

if he didn’t look at me

if he didn’t notice me

if he didn’t worry

Last year would have been unforgettable

if I never looked his way

if I never paid attention

if I never let my heart wander

Next year will be amazing

if I stop hurting

if I stop feeling

if I stop hoping

But tonight, I just want to lie in the arms of another

Share the night with my thoughts

Pretend that we are together

Knowing that this is all that I’ve got

Pretend that there was no door

Imagine that there is nothing stopping me

To unleash this pent up feeling

To let the rage take over me

To revel in the redemption of that face

Knowing the secret hiding in his eyes

Preparing to spread my wings

Freeing myself from the cocoon of his arms

Indulging in the spirit of his energy

Like a drug that I didn’t know I was addicted to

While his hands and arms wrap around me

Massaging my mind into euphoria

Whispering nothing louder than silence

Allowing myself to slip away

Forgetting that he’s not him

Touching him softly

Wondering

Caressing him with my mind and body

Thinking of how best to create

He fades out of my mind and your image takes form

And as you lay there, not a word from your mouth

All I can think of, how sweet this melody will be

These moments I taste your energy and spirit inside of me

I can feel it even now

as I type these words

the connection that we have

was so haphazardly formed

I suffer

I writhe

I yearn

I cry

Nothing but your final touch will ever satisfy

As I lay my hands on you

Massaging the kinks out of your neck

My teeth ready for a bite

Skin so close for a lick

My body wants nothing more than to join with yours

My soul reaches out just to try to get a taste

But alas, it is not you

And returns un satiated

And all these words that I write

Can never compare to the sound

Of the energy going through my body

And how it will feel once the two have finally bound

One hand on my face

The other in my hair

But I’ll stay here

In the arms of another

Pretending

Siphoning what I can

Remembering who I am

Reminding him of me

Not thinking of what could be

Settling

Because a year and a day ago was the perfectly wrong time

To meet him

To know him

To fall in love

Tomorrow will be a great reminder of

 

Love.

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