I’m hurt and I’m a survivor but I’m not invulnerable


I’ve come to the realization today that my feelings are hurt.  I’m hurt more than I ever thought I could be, especially without seeing it coming.  Not because things happened, not because things were said, but more because things are lost.  Lost deep inside the confines of my brain where I cannot retrieve them.  I’m hurt because things weren’t quite my fault and I don’t know how they got here.  But nonetheless,

I’m hurt.

It’s been quite some time since I last posted here.  I thought I was coming to the understanding of knowing something about my life and where I am going with it.  My last post here was November 13, 2012.  Since then I’ve had to come to the realization that my family is who I choose it to be and not who I’m related to.  I’ve realized that we all make mistakes and sometimes forgiving is so much harder when the other person won’t admit the problem.  I’ve lived with people who tried to control me, and I’ve been homeless.  But what gets me the most is,

I DESERVE BETTER!

I’m hurt today.  My feelings are hurt.  I have to remind myself that I do, in fact, have feelings.  It may come as a shock, to some, for me to say this because a lot of people wouldn’t understand.  Shit, most men wouldn’t understand.  I live so shielded by my own hurt and pain that most people see a facade of who I really am.  It was only recently that I saw some people I really enjoy seeing, jumped on them to say hello, and at that point I realized that I was feeling good and really happy to see those people.  Feeling good?  Such an odd thing to feel as a homeless person who has to argue with all the relatives to see her kids and has to figure out where to go every night to catch sleep.  Feeling Good!  But, I do, in fact, have those things they call feelings.  Today,

I feel hurt.

I met this wonderful man.  We had an amazing day together.  He cooked for me, treated me to dinner and never left my side the whole day, and into the night when we went out together, as friends.  When he cooked for me, I was so excited because I’m looking at this beautiful man thinking, gosh, this complete stranger is treating me so well and I can’t even land a boyfriend.  We spent the day chatting about relationships and spending the day in each other’s company.  Every now and then, I let my mind wonder about the possibility of dating such a man.  But I’m not that cute, and I’m definitely older and there’s no possible way that I could possibly appeal to someone like him or anyone, for that matter.  Yes, my self-image is FUCKED!  Plus, why would I bring someone into my world full of homelessness, abandonment and little mini spinning tornadoes of crap.

Last night, we talked and I explained to him that I use the word love very “loosely”.  From that, he felt that I love loosely, which is not the same.  You see, I don’t see love as a word.  I see love as actions.  And if you are trying your hardest to love someone and they just don’t show you that they love you back, then you can still love them, but you have to know to love yourself more to not be addicted to the other person you love.

My feelings are hurt!

You see, what I didn’t realize until today is that, I want to know what it’s like to be in man like that’s arms, in his kiss and in his warmth.  I want to know, and I semi-yearn for it.  I wouldn’t dare to want for so much, because it would be selfish of me to want this or any more than this.  It’s selfish.  I’m a selfish person who wants to take love and remember.  Retrieve the memories from the deep, dark pits of my brain that have been fried from too much alcohol and drugs.  I want to take what I deserve and never look back at the chaos I create behind me, as I always create some sort of chaos.

But then I remember Damien and how good his kiss felt and how he hurt me.  I remember Bryant and how I may have hurt him without meaning to and I realize, I don’t deserve this happiness right now.  I should be hurt.  I need to be hurt.  I need pain like I need air.  I’m a masochistic freak that needs to feel some sort of pain to make it through those things that people call emotions.  Without pain, there is no way I can learn the lessons.  I feel like I would only hurt this man by pressing forward with something that is more of an experiment than it is anything else.  He deserves happiness, and I hope he finds it.  But right now…

My FEELINGS are hurt!

Not from something he did.  I’m intentionally pushing him and my friend together because I honestly think that would work out better than anything I could offer had we had any genuine interest in each other outside of friendship and massive soul-searching talks.

I sit here with a tear in my eye, thinking, remembering and reminding myself that I need work.  I need to work.  But I need work.

There are several men that I’ve met over the past couple of months that I would love to be in a relationship with.  I’m a finicky gal who has both a desire and no desire to settle down and/or have a long-term commitment of any sort.  It’s confusing for me, even more than anyone else.

I love me.  I am worthy and I am beautiful.  I may not be the thinnest or the prettiest, but when you remove some of the shell into my heart and soul and open the doorway, I am so worth it.

My feelings are hurt because I allow them to be.  I allow things to happen and I grow and change all the time.  These are my truths.

 

Here’s some turtles…

2014-04-18 12.38.53

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Author: butterflyafterlife

I'm a Assistant Director and producer for Indy Films/Shows, study as much as possible and love photography. Sometimes, I post about a thought in my head and let it take over from there. I love your support and feedback!

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