I just need to get some thoughts out of my head today.
Bear with me.
It’s been 9 months, 4 days (279 days total) since I had my last feeling of being at-home within another being. A brief, friendly, 4-day encounter that has haunted me daily. I don’t think the fault lies on the other party, it’s all mine. It’s stupid. I torment myself.
Each encounter since (text message/email) has been initiated by myself, but on a friendly bases. Each encounter ends with him writing something that drives me completely loopy and has my head spinning with thoughts of what could be. It affects me for days, if not weeks, I don’t dare say months. It’s a spark of chemistry that is hard for me to fight, no matter what has been established, a platonic relationship only.
He misleads me unintended, I think. Emails & text messages end with terms of endearment. I miss him. What am I missing? I don’t even know him. I only know the feeling he has left me with.
I kissed a random at a party the other night and yet, it held no meaning, other than a game of lion and prey. There was no flicker or spark of anything half as enticing as how happily miserable I feel contemplating if any of this means anything to him. Purposefully avoiding any contact for months helped to move my mind elsewhere, however, I saw no interest in any other. All erased with a wish.
Moving on again, my other treats me so right and I want to forever be treated this way, by someone who is more than just my friend and who I can whisper love to and it’s a deeper and more succulent relationship than this newly established friendship. Thank you other, for showing me this, you are the best lesson I could have ever have had.
Is it a game I am unaware of? Do I have to spill my guts and explain myself completely, again? I can’t hold to the standard. Can I wait longer to find out what it is? Should I wait longer? I don’t have the answers.
I starve myself of emotional contact with the opposite sex easily in anticipation of what could be. The possibility of a future with…
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I read what I’m writing and my brain is telling me how stupid I am. We only live life one time and I cannot wait forever. My torment is my own. I bear him no ill will. I’m masochistic to the core of my being and this torment feeds that affliction.
Maybe it’s time to plan out a New Year’s resolution.