When I needed you the most, you let me down. Now you are trying to come back and I’m not trying to be around.
Why is it that whenever we are on our knees (figuratively), begging and pleading for assistance from our so-called friends, they turn their backs? They say they are too busy, they ignore us. However, as soon as they have something going wrong, you are the first person they call and you have no issue with helping? These are the same people who claim to live by a certain faith, religions belief system or moral system, yet they always show you different.
Trust me, I’m not bitter. I’m just no longer blind, haven’t been for a while.
I will not, however, change being me. In MMORPGs, I tend to play the cleric. However, looking through the history of my life, have I not always played a cleric? My best friend was a kid whose parents were alcoholics, they neglected him. His uncle, who was the only male role-model he had, was a drug addicted gang-member who eventually took up religion and left my best friend fending for himself at the age of 12 or 13. Of course, not before introducing my best friend to drugs and the gang lifestyle. My family always marked my best friend as no-good, but I always saw the best in him and helped him whenever I could. He was my play brother.
In and out of jail all our lives, as we got into our high school years, he would just disappear for months at a time. I would hear from him as soon as he was in jail and as soon as he was out, I wouldn’t hear from him again. At least, until the next jail episode.
By the time we hit our 20s, he had a baby with a crack-addicted whore and had introduced his sweet younger brother to crack. My disappointment, by this time, was unbearable. I couldn’t help. I couldn’t fix what was done to him throughout his life. I couldn’t erase what he did to his brother or what his child was born into. Why he couldn’t change was beyond me! The decision to have a child with a crack addict was beyond me. There is this certain ignorance that surrounds this lifestyle that I have grown out of. The ignorance of nothing else but these four walls (City limits, jail cells, home) that limits the thinking of the lower-income youth. I say this because, the youth that has family who travel to places like Europe for the summer or New York for New Years Eve celebration fundamentally understand that these four walls are non-existent.
One day, in July 2008, I’m sitting in the car with my ex, a letter in my hand. My best friend is back in jail again. I sat there and told my ex what I wrote to my best friend and what I told to Cousin Eddie and what I’ll tell to you now…
“When I needed you most, you were not there for me. When I was down on my luck, you weren’t my friend, you were nowhere to be found. Now, you are down and you want to come around and talk to me. You need me, you want me in your life. Well, what about me? What do I get out of this friendship? Nothing. It pains me to see this happen to you, things you could have changed but didn’t. I hate seeing you addicted to the same drugs that you were doing as we were children. I don’t want to hear the stories about how are childhood friends are still doing the same drugs and overdosing. No one helped me when I needed money to put food in my baby’s mouth, no one was there. No one cared. I had to figure it out on my own. I found ways to make money and I have taken care of my kid since day one. Not you, me. By myself. I am a grown up and it’s time to be a grown up. It’s time for you to grow up too.
I love you, I want you to take care of yourself but I can no longer care for someone who doesn’t care for their own self.”
Sometimes, it’s much harder to let go then it is to stay. As is the case for my best friend and cousin Eddie.