Little

He said show me where it hurts

So I showed him my heart

He gently reached out

So I backed away

Just in time

He showed me his heart

And I backed away further

He flew

Flew far away

I watched him

He did the things I dreamt of

He goes places I dreamt

Without his knowledge

Forever he has my heart

He lands

With another girl he lays

Watching me from a distance

I have his heart

With full knowledge

I retreat

Wishing for his happiness

Knowing where his heart lies

Prepared for the consequences

Whiskey can only numb so much

Whiskey can only suppress so much

At the bottom of a bottle

Drowning

Marinating maybe

Darkness lives

Cuz I’m all fucked up

Only his love can save me

But I’ll remain quiet

Subdued, if you will

Let him fly

Ley him soar

Because he deserves so much more

He deserves the success

He deserves the love

But most of all

He deserves the best

Much better than me

Much better than the best

Forever will my heart fly with him

Watching over his beautiful soul

Caressing him in happiness

Providing solitude in loneliness

For I am his

Regardless

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Running

I’ve been

Can’t stand it longer

There’s a way out

The pull is too strong

It’s miserable

Missing the warmth of your smile

Pulling me in close

Kissing me through the day

Inviting me to play through the night

I hear you calling me back

A stranger here

Bored

I feel stuck

It’s depressing

My expectations were too high

The let down is greater

Release

Show me nothing

Tell me he doesn’t exist

A figment of my imagine

That’s all

Let the search bar fail

The name deleted from all books

Let me live out the day

Forgetful

Blissful

Please go away

The name trolls in my head

Clouded thoughts

Faint memories

Pulling me back

Shall I run away

Far

Maybe I’ll forget everything

Maybe this pain will disappear

But how can it

He pops in my head

Like a bothersome noise

Something I want to never hear again

And always hear

I can’t bare the silence

Running away isn’t working

What do I do

Cry

Alone

Sitting on cement

Hiding my tears from all others

Why must my brain torment me in such a way

Does he not understand this torture

Do any of them

I find no relief in the arms of others

There is only this hallow shell in any of them

Nothing that can fill the void

What a foolish person I am

I beg for release

Fate

A four lettered word that can mean absolutely everything to one and absolutely nothing to another. A word that can lead to meaningful experiences or missed opportunities. To me, fate is a fickle temptress who leads me to both happiness and sadness. Fate leads me down long corridors to the unknown, surprising me with gifts unexpected.

As fate would have it, one night, i chose to stay behind. As i sat on the stairs, wondering what to do, a man appeared from the darkness. Had he known I’ve been running away? Had anyone known? Doubt it. Everyone was too busy thinking about themselves to see me. I offered a seat, he offered friendship. We walked, we played with magical sand, played in hammocks and he even helped strap me Into a contraption that rolled me, head over feet, down the A, threatening to leave me upside down, before we parted ways. I thought I’d never see him again because the city is so big and the chances of seeing your friends is so small. But alas, on the 3rd visit, we’ve yet to separate. He’s bossy, argumentative and annoying as fuck! He’s also very caring, so worried about me, and a great companion to be on this journey with.

I’ve returned from the burn, maybe? I was supposed to leave the burn, go to Lake Tahoe, stop off in San Francisco before heading back to Los Angeles. But here I am, in Reno, with this asshole Joe that I refer to as my Playa hubby without the benefits. We are working with another camp right now before heading to Colorado. And, if all things go wrong and my life turns to shit, I want you all to know that this part of the burn was worth it.

I miss my kids, I miss my friends, but being on an adventure where I don’t know what tomorrow will bring with a companion who has the same mindset, for me, is today’s definition of perfect.

It’s 9:35p and Joe just popped in to tell me that he’s got the bikes ready for us to go for a ride.

This is part of that finicky thing I call fate.

Love you all!

Artist Agreement

Let’s agree. 

They sprinkle us throughout the world and tell us we’re different, weird and odd. It’s about making us feel unwanted, unloved and unappreciated. Until someone validates us and says oh cool, look at them, they’re special. Then they applaud, pay money for a fancy closeup and act like we’ve always been the favorite. As though, behind closed doors, they were rooting for us all along.  
I’m going to smile and pretend I didn’t have to prove myself to you. I’m going to sit back and forget all the loneliness, all the struggle and all the doubt that was inspired by you.  The table that lied empty of nourishment and a refrigerator full of left over pizza, is all but forgotten. I’m rooting for me too!

Thank you for your patronage. 

ARTIST

Black and White

I asked him, “yes or no?”

He said,  “not everything is black and white. ”

I said, “everything’s black and white. It’s the consequences from your choices that aren’t.”

Be brave and step through the void of freedom.  You can stop yourself every chance you get, but ultimately, yes and no questions are black and white and the grey area is all the consequences that you can’t foresee. 

Yesterday, you had a choice. Today and tomorrow, you now only have the consequences. 

Choose wisely.